What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

Child B has already had 100k from parents. She's out. Trust for disabled child. Small percentage for grandchild (if you so wish) then split equally

This is the most sensible and generous response to the issue. Your mum doesn’t even need to know that you have done it. Then everyone’s wishes are addressed

Equally.

D is youngest, might still have kids, may have children with complex needs meaning both can't work, might suffer any level of illness, disability or loss that significantly changes their life. But they don't deserve considering because at present they're doing well?
Not to mention B's parents brought her home and helped C with theirs so not like they've not had extra help when needed

Share equally, otherwise it could cause resentment between the recipients, also you don’t really know what financial situation each is in, it might look like some are in a better situation and may not need the money so much, but they may not be.

Having read your update I'm still with the equal split camp.

Purely as a mother myself it just wouldn't sit right with me not sharing equally between my DC.

Personally if I were D I think in this situation I would take the money and probably put it in a trust fund for the disabled child. The reality of their situation is that they will never be independent and when their parents are no longer here it will not be an easy life for them. Any Trust needs to be set up properly sos as not to impact negatively on their benefits etc and managed to their benefit for the long term. I can't see that ABC would have an issue with that to be honest.

I agree with this.

Glad you're ok Op & not upset in any way.

Never, ever penalise a child just because they have made something of themselves financially. That is the very opposite of the direction in which society should be travelling. At least parent 2 sounds like they have a sensible head on their shoulders.

This is trite and oversimplistic.

And, given all the details given, the insistence that giving even more to B and C is ‘equitable’ and morally right is driven by a kind of envy and tall poppy syndrome rather than any meaningful idea of fairness. People have just decided that D is rich so must be undeserving by default.

@JonahAndTheMinnow you're kind of damned if you do, and damned if you don't now, eh.

Let your mum have her way. You can see why from this thread, that she's essentially got the right attitude about what should be done. But dad has put a spanner in the works, so to speak. So, have your portion. Then decide what you're going to do. This stops mum being furious and actually doesn't change the end result you want anyway.

I appreciate you say that your siblings won't like a gift from you too well, so this is what you and dad need to discuss. Where you think your share should go, distributed by you, and the most diplomatic way to do that.

@JonahAndTheMinnow im sorry your dad has put you in this situation. He’s behaving manipulatively and it’s not very nice.

I also think that you should take the money. If you don’t need or want it, then put it in trust for your nieces/nephews or something.

Remember that £75k is a significant amount for your siblings to get out of nowhere. And they almost certainly do not want to feel like ‘charity cases’ within the family.

As D I think you should take the money. If you remain child free you can set up something in your own will to pass the money back to your nieces and nephews in the future. Or gift it to them later down the line.

depending on your own financial position in the future you could reach out to your siblings that you want to support with university costs. I’d be fairly open about this with both parents and hope that the fact that you are taking the money, but look to pay it forward in a few years would appease both parents. After all, you could pay down the mortgage and that would set you in a better position to help nieces and nephews should you so choose in the future.

Split it equal. Why would you think of punishing D for working hard and not breeding. That would be very unfair. Equal is fair.

Equal shares to all of course

Equally anything else is unfair

Split it equally. I do everything for my parents as my sibling lives on the other side of the world. My Step siblings never visit or have any input, however, they will all get the same eventually. TBH, I'd much rather have my parents than the money.

I think you've done the right thing and you sound like a lovely sibling OP. Your mum is probably right to be a bit peeved that your dad spoke to you before agreeing something with her first, but I'm sure she'll get over it.

Parent 2's way is the only way to do it fairly.

These were the things that jumped out to me:

B - ... live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents)

Child C - ... ... thanks to generous gifts from parents

Exactly how much have Parent.1 & 2 lavished on each of ABCD over the years, were these earlier gifts equally distributed?

Do you yourself not have children? If so just pop the £75k in bank accounts for them for when they’re older

I think you should give your share to A.

Parent 2 is right... or they could just give all the money to a good cause: me.

Didn’t even read past the first two circumstances.
Equal.

Personally I don't think personal circumstances come into it and you are all your parents children and anything like this not split equally just asks for trouble.

Think of it another way, if 4 people were working the same job, would you pay people differently depending on their house situation, number of dependents, etc? You wouldn't. You would pay them for their job role end of. Life turns out differently for different people, luck can change, but parents should always treat equally.

Parent 2: