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AIBU?

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Original poster

What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

840 replies

JonahAndTheMinnow · 16/10/2023 19:34

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 18/10/2023 21:44

I've read the reveal and feel equal is still fair
Anything can happen. Keep it in the bank for your future and if you don't have kids you can make plans for nieces and nephews when you need.to.

PosterBoy · 18/10/2023 21:50

Your dad is being ridiculous and, I'm sorry, it would really alter my view of a parent who did this.

YankeeDad · 18/10/2023 22:09

I think it is sad that the father is being labelled by so many here as manipulative, when he is clearly trying to do what he feels is the right thing. Child D, who may yet receive less money than the others, also feels that this would be the right thing.

Many people posting here feel that equal shares is the only ethically sound course of action. I disagree, and I think that in fact sometimes there is a dilemma in deciding whether it is fairer to be equal, or fairer to be equitable. I think the answer is, it depends.

The reason for this whole post by OP seems to be that the mother is trying to impose one particular definition of “fair” upon the father, even though apparently the money comes from the father’s side of the family in the first place. Child D has gotten caught up in the middle of it and is at risk of receiving their mother’s wrath if the father does not do what the mother wants the father to do with the money. THAT is the only thing in this whole conversation that seems, to me, to be genuinely unfair.

PointlessAddiction · 18/10/2023 22:26

Intersting that you are child D OP, and great to see that you would like to see your siblings having money you dont need in the same way as them. Your siblings are lucky.
I was going to suggest earlier but deleted it, but now I know you are sibling D and have that mindset feel I can.
How about either you suggesting that the disabled niece/nephew gets your share put into a high interest investment to be used to support them in years to come when their parents are no longer around? Or if they decide to split equally leaving it to them in trust?

Deedee779 · 18/10/2023 22:31

Parent two - all siblings should be treated equally no matter what.

Deedee779 · 18/10/2023 22:32

Parent two

laladoodoo · 18/10/2023 22:33

Parent 2 in my opinion

literalviolence · 18/10/2023 22:45

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/10/2023 19:39

Split it into quarters, if sibling D wants to gift their share to their siblings they can but I don’t think parents should ever split money anything but equally between children.

This.

DreamTheMoors · 18/10/2023 22:58

ilovemydogmore · 18/10/2023 08:46

It's fair and equal. But it's not equitable.
Equitable means to provide people with something based on their situation. Parent A is going for equitable. Parent B is going for equal.

Edited
Show quote history

Equitable:

What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?
tiktokontheclock · 18/10/2023 22:59

Split it equally.

This shit winds me up.

Can you imagine leaving one child out? Split it equally.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 19/10/2023 00:37

JonahAndTheMinnow · 18/10/2023 16:40

I’m going to don my hard hat now.

I’m child D.

A is about to turn 49, B and C are twins and 47. I’m 35 and there’s obviously a big gap between me and them in terms of age.

Parent 1 is my father. As I mentioned, he grew up in poverty but was very academic and managed to get a great education and profession. Mum grew up much more comfortably off and has a more blasé attitude towards money whereas Dad is quite money-orientated and there’s probably an element of anxiety for him around ensuring everyone has enough. They’re both incredibly generous and just the loveliest parents.

My dad loves me very much, I have no doubt about that. I know several people have said he obviously hates me but that’s not true- I know he’s proud of me and we’re close. Of his four children, I’m probably the one he’s closest to.

The post about favourites was kind of tongue-in-cheek. I think it’s normal that siblings feel another is preferred, for whatever reason. In my case, my father was able to be much more present in my life as he he wasn’t traveling as much for work as he was for the older children. I think he was probably more laid back by the time I came along too as they were under less financial stress than when they had three children under two.

The reason I started this thread is that my father has taken me aside, explained that he wants to split the money and has asked me how I feel about just the other three being included. I’ve said I’m fine with it, but now my mum is very upset. Dad hadn’t told her he was going to speak to me, and she’s very angry. She thinks I’ve been put on the spot and is now saying that she doesn’t want money going to anyone unless it’s all equal. I’ve spoken to her but she’s not happy and is incredibly upset at my father a) putting me on the spot, and b) not telling her.

From my perspective, as nice as £75k extra in the bank would be for anyone, it’s not money I need. I would genuinely prefer to see my siblings have it. I think my parents did a lot for their children when needed over the years and, if my financial situation was different, they would help me if needed too.

My siblings don’t know that this money is earmarked for them/us. My mum is an incredible woman but she’s horrifically stubborn and I think she should deal with my dad separately to the money issue- my siblings could do with it and I’d like to see them have it asap.

I think there may also be an element of Mum thinking that Dad sees this as his money- the money came from the sale of his late brother’s house. I’m very annoyed that my father has put me in this position. It should have been a joint decision between him and Mum.

I’ve told both my parents that I don’t want or need the money and don’t want to get involved so it’s up to them to figure it out now.

I know taking the money and then gifting it to my siblings is an option but it will mean going against Mum’s wishes again, plus I think my siblings will be very hesitant in “taking” money from me.

Thanks everyone for your input- lots of food for thought.

I see your point and agree with it. I'm in a similar situation as in I was substantially more than my siblings and will gladly let them have the money to help them.

To avoid issues between your parents if she continues to insist on equal share, maybe tell them to divide it into 4 and then you decide on your own to give it to your siblings when the time comes.

And I agree with you, I found it really weird how people interpret it as your father doesn't love you, that makes absolutely no sense and I'm glad you recognize that you're father not only loves you but is very proud of you.

I see it as recognizing that you're blessed and using that opportunity to help your siblings.

Blueink · 19/10/2023 00:39

PointlessAddiction · 18/10/2023 22:26

Intersting that you are child D OP, and great to see that you would like to see your siblings having money you dont need in the same way as them. Your siblings are lucky.
I was going to suggest earlier but deleted it, but now I know you are sibling D and have that mindset feel I can.
How about either you suggesting that the disabled niece/nephew gets your share put into a high interest investment to be used to support them in years to come when their parents are no longer around? Or if they decide to split equally leaving it to them in trust?

I think this is a good suggestion about the DGC.

You seem very thoughtful OP, hopefully if you take charge of the redistribution, both parents will be content.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 19/10/2023 00:43

tiktokontheclock · 18/10/2023 22:59

Split it equally.

This shit winds me up.

Can you imagine leaving one child out? Split it equally.

It's not leaving one child out, it's having a mature discussion with your child who hopefully is a compassionate person which thankfully OP is based on her update.

And this narrative of her father must not love OP because of this is absolute rubbish. And I'm so glad OP recognizes and confirms that she knows her father loves her and is proud of her and her accomplishments. Her father's love is not tied to a share of inheritance.

Firethehorse · 19/10/2023 02:28

It’s interesting you are child D, although a few other posters guessed this. So lovely to hear you have a great family dynamic.
I totally understand where your mum is coming from and if the post were from her ‘saying my husband has just gone behind my back and decided we are not a team after-all’ I think most people would be outraged, I would.
Even following your update, I still think the money should be split four ways. You never know what the future holds so don’t be too hasty yet. I’ve just been on a will planning course and the leader had some heartbreaking tales from her own clients as she has been over 20 years in the business. One suggestion could be to keep the money in a separate longer term high interest pot but in your own name. Stipulate in your will this is for the disabled child if he/she outlives you. You then have the flexibility to change this should circumstances alter and give the money to whoever needs it most in the future.
No hard hat required for you!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 19/10/2023 02:42

Firethehorse · 19/10/2023 02:28

It’s interesting you are child D, although a few other posters guessed this. So lovely to hear you have a great family dynamic.
I totally understand where your mum is coming from and if the post were from her ‘saying my husband has just gone behind my back and decided we are not a team after-all’ I think most people would be outraged, I would.
Even following your update, I still think the money should be split four ways. You never know what the future holds so don’t be too hasty yet. I’ve just been on a will planning course and the leader had some heartbreaking tales from her own clients as she has been over 20 years in the business. One suggestion could be to keep the money in a separate longer term high interest pot but in your own name. Stipulate in your will this is for the disabled child if he/she outlives you. You then have the flexibility to change this should circumstances alter and give the money to whoever needs it most in the future.
No hard hat required for you!

I'm sorry but I don't agree with keeping it in an interest account for potentially 20 years before giving it to the disabled child when it will make a difference to the child's life sooner all based on she doesn't know what the future holds.

That's no sacrifice at all, and OP has options in the event she needs then (fingers crosses she doesn't and is fine). She can sell rental property, she can sell holiday home, she can downsize her primary home to a cheaper house, and i'm sure she has other investments and savings if she is a high income earner so to then still need the £75k that she clearly doesn't need just in case makes no sense.

If this was everyone's mindset there will be no charitable giving in the world because everyone will keep their money.... Just in case.

I do agree with you about her father not being on the same page with her mother before speaking to her, though he may have tried and she insisted on dividing into 4 so he tried to go directly to her.

Ponderingwindow · 19/10/2023 04:49

I would support your mother on this. The only fair way to split the money is equally between all siblings.

i don’t understand why people say that extra money shouldn’t towards families that had more children. Inheritance should go evenly through each branch of the family tree. It may get subdivided more or less in some branches, but you don’t give more money to one child’s branch just because there are more grandchildren.

there is one other way to distribute the money, but I wouldn’t split it. There was mention of a grandchild who will never live independently. Setting aside the entire 300k solely for that child’s care needs might also be fair because of the level of need.

IncomingTraffic · 19/10/2023 06:31

I think it is sad that the father is being labelled by so many here as manipulative, when he is clearly trying to do what he feels is the right thing.

He intended to undermine his wife - who he knew disagreed with him. Rather than talk to his wife he decided to manipulate the situation by talking to the OP about her mother and siblings.

He decided he knew best and would manipulate the situation to get the outcome he wanted.

It’s actually a bit worrying you see this as ‘doing the right thing’.

FlitterBug · 19/10/2023 07:05

I agree you need to split It equally or put in a trust for grandchildren.

carduelis · 19/10/2023 07:44

Ilovelifeverymuch · 19/10/2023 00:43

It's not leaving one child out, it's having a mature discussion with your child who hopefully is a compassionate person which thankfully OP is based on her update.

And this narrative of her father must not love OP because of this is absolute rubbish. And I'm so glad OP recognizes and confirms that she knows her father loves her and is proud of her and her accomplishments. Her father's love is not tied to a share of inheritance.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree - clearly lots of people think money = love, but on the contrary it says a lot about OP’s relationship with her father that he thought she was magnanimous enough to see his viewpoint. I don’t necessarily think he did the right thing - though I think OP’s point about her father’s anxiety about everyone having enough makes it more understandable - but it sounds like there’s a lot of love and generosity in this family.

carduelis · 19/10/2023 07:57

IncomingTraffic · 19/10/2023 06:31

I think it is sad that the father is being labelled by so many here as manipulative, when he is clearly trying to do what he feels is the right thing.

He intended to undermine his wife - who he knew disagreed with him. Rather than talk to his wife he decided to manipulate the situation by talking to the OP about her mother and siblings.

He decided he knew best and would manipulate the situation to get the outcome he wanted.

It’s actually a bit worrying you see this as ‘doing the right thing’.

“Trying to do what he feels is the right thing” is not the same as “doing the right thing” at all though. I don’t think OP’s father did the right thing but I also think that, in a rather short-sighted and careless way that ended up upsetting both OP and her mother, he was trying to do what he thought was right. He seems really misguided rather than deliberately manipulative to me.

YankeeDad · 19/10/2023 09:17

IncomingTraffic · 19/10/2023 06:31

I think it is sad that the father is being labelled by so many here as manipulative, when he is clearly trying to do what he feels is the right thing.

He intended to undermine his wife - who he knew disagreed with him. Rather than talk to his wife he decided to manipulate the situation by talking to the OP about her mother and siblings.

He decided he knew best and would manipulate the situation to get the outcome he wanted.

It’s actually a bit worrying you see this as ‘doing the right thing’.

Does this mean you feel that the only "right thing to do" for the father would have been: talk to her, tell her his point of view, and then if she still insisted on an equal split, to follow her wishes without saying anything else to his children?

If yes, then why do you think the mother's preference should trump the father's?`

If that is not what you are saying, then what would you propose that the father should have done if, after speaking with his wife, he still had one point of view (share money according to perceived need) and she still had a different point of view (share money equally)?

IncomingTraffic · 19/10/2023 09:24

He needed to find a way to agree a course of action with his wife. And then communicate that decision to their children.

What he definitely shouldn’t have done is taking the manipulative route of talking to one child to just get around his wife and ensure he gets his way.

IncomingTraffic · 19/10/2023 09:26

That doesn’t mean the wife’s view is the only one that matters. what a weird interpretation.

If it were the other way round and the wife was enlisting the children to ensure she gets her way, it would be equally crappy behaviour.

Devora13 · 19/10/2023 09:27

Sounds from what's written that some of 'children' have already received parental help, so splitting evenly would seem the most balanced overall, taking into account good relationships etc. £100k may well be 'life changing' but then so would £75k.

JustAMinutePleass · 19/10/2023 09:34

I’m child D in my family too. It seems my DP are always using my siblings’ poor decisions against me. Nobody told them to get married and have kids when they were too young to support them, or take / stay in low paid jobs for a chilled life while DP gave them all the free childcare possible (often at my expense). Dad used to beg them to save / invest money and they never did. While I did everything right and DP are now talking about cutting me out ‘as I don’t need the money’. It makes me so angry.