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AIBU?

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Original poster

What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

840 replies

JonahAndTheMinnow · 16/10/2023 19:34

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

OP posts:
pineapplecrushed · 17/10/2023 21:05

Parent 2 is right. All 4 kids to get their share.

ellyeth · 17/10/2023 21:07

I would say leave a significantly smaller amount to child D (and perhaps bequeath an item of special value to her) and split equally the remainder of the money between A B and C. I agree with the poster who said treating people fairly is not the same as treating them equally.

I do, however, think it is vital that this is discussed with D - and the reasons for it given. Hopefully, D will understand that, given her much better financial situation, it would be fair to leave the bulk of the money to those that need it the most. I think children can often be really upset in this sort of situation when such matters haven't been discussed with them.

Sophie89j · 17/10/2023 21:10

I think a-c all need it more so maybe discuss it with child d and see if they are willing to forgo their part for their siblings?

Underestimated4 · 17/10/2023 21:17

All children should be treated equally, nobody knows what the future holds there’s no point predicting someone’s financial future. What if one you have the money and not the other comes into a great financially windfall and then is financially better off than No 4?

Shantayyoustaysashayaway · 17/10/2023 21:20

It has to be an equal share, no ifs or buts. My parents split when me & my dsis was little & df remarried. Dsc aways had loads of stuff that me & my dsis didn't get. Because of that I have a real thing about spending the same on my dds, dsd & dgc.
If I go after my DH all 3 dds will get a quarter share each regardless of circumstances with the remaining quarter to be split between any dgd.

Nononsensemumsy · 17/10/2023 21:24

Equally always

Lolaandbehold · 17/10/2023 21:28

I’m very late to the party but personally I didn’t need any of the detail about the children’s situations. Everything should be split equally between children.

Rugbyballhead · 17/10/2023 21:28

If I was parent one, I'd speak to the high earning child and tell them my thoughts on the money. I'd ask the child if they would be upset and offended at the idea. The high earner may well be willing to forgo their share.
If they would be upset about it then I guess there would be no choice, it would have to be split equally.

LaurieStrode · 17/10/2023 21:38

Equal split.

If I were D and got punished for my success, I'd be making it clear that no eldercare would be forthcoming from my household. It's not the money, it's the thought process.

Feellikeafailurenow · 17/10/2023 21:48

Parent 2 is right. Presumably they all had a “fair” chance at life and were treated the same as children? C is obviously unlucky and has a lot of additional needs with their child but that isn’t Ds fault who must have worked hard whilst having more “luck” than c. A&b sound fairly average and even if D doesn’t need the money you don’t leave one child out - £75k is still a fair whack each for the other 3

IncomingTraffic · 17/10/2023 21:57

Rugbyballhead · 17/10/2023 21:28

If I was parent one, I'd speak to the high earning child and tell them my thoughts on the money. I'd ask the child if they would be upset and offended at the idea. The high earner may well be willing to forgo their share.
If they would be upset about it then I guess there would be no choice, it would have to be split equally.

There’s no way to have that conversation without emotionally manipulating them into saving they’ll forego their share.

Mother87 · 17/10/2023 21:59

Parent 2 is right

Onabench · 17/10/2023 22:05

75k each. 75k is still a life changing amount for a b and c.

I do think b having a house bought for them is significant though, I am not sure why you are downplaying it. In “todays Money” I live in a house worth under 100k. That still feels significant to me.

WibblyWobblyWabberWonk · 17/10/2023 22:14

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/10/2023 19:37

I'd say talk to child D and explain your reservations. I'd like to think in those circumstances I'd want to give my share to my needier siblings. Id be wary of child B's situation and want to make sure the money was legally protected from her low earning partner should they split.

This. All of this.

YankeeDad · 17/10/2023 22:19

Money is not the same as love. Maybe naming it can help all involved parties to see that.

I am not in the situation myself, but if it were me I might say something like this to D: ‘I have £300k to share amongst the four of you.I am aware that you probably need an extra £75k less than your siblings A,B,C, partly because you made some good choices and partly due to luck. At the same time, though, the MOST important thing for me is to make sure you all feel loved equally. So I am thinking I should probably share the money equally among all of you. I would like to know what you think and how you feel about this. I am only asking you, not your siblings, because you seem to have the best financial skills in the family, so I only want your advice. I will make the decision myself afterwards and I will own my decision.’

Then, whatever their answer, I would thank them for opening up to me and sharing how they feel. Then, I would give four equal shares EXCEPT if I felt very sure, after listening to D, that they would not feel less loved even if the shares were unequal and based on need.

SoupDragon · 17/10/2023 22:22

I don't think it is at all fair to try and put the decision onto D.

YankeeDad · 17/10/2023 22:24

OR - another option might be to tell D: I have these £300k to give to my children, and was planning to definitely give equal shares each of you because I love each of you equally, but I also know that you may have so much that £75k might mean less to you, so first I wanted to ask: is there anything you have always wanted me to give you or do for you that would mean more to you than £75k? Then I would hear them out and if it were a thing or experience unlikely to cause conflict, I might offer that and split the money 3 ways.

YankeeDad · 17/10/2023 22:26

I say this as a person with only 2 siblings, myself in a position more like D’s, where I have pushed my parents to give much more to the others because I really don’t need it. I had to reassure them that I would not feel less loved.

Legendairy · 17/10/2023 22:27

YankeeDad · 17/10/2023 22:24

OR - another option might be to tell D: I have these £300k to give to my children, and was planning to definitely give equal shares each of you because I love each of you equally, but I also know that you may have so much that £75k might mean less to you, so first I wanted to ask: is there anything you have always wanted me to give you or do for you that would mean more to you than £75k? Then I would hear them out and if it were a thing or experience unlikely to cause conflict, I might offer that and split the money 3 ways.

I think this is a great way to have that discussion.

LaurieStrode · 17/10/2023 22:52

YankeeDad · 17/10/2023 22:19

Money is not the same as love. Maybe naming it can help all involved parties to see that.

I am not in the situation myself, but if it were me I might say something like this to D: ‘I have £300k to share amongst the four of you.I am aware that you probably need an extra £75k less than your siblings A,B,C, partly because you made some good choices and partly due to luck. At the same time, though, the MOST important thing for me is to make sure you all feel loved equally. So I am thinking I should probably share the money equally among all of you. I would like to know what you think and how you feel about this. I am only asking you, not your siblings, because you seem to have the best financial skills in the family, so I only want your advice. I will make the decision myself afterwards and I will own my decision.’

Then, whatever their answer, I would thank them for opening up to me and sharing how they feel. Then, I would give four equal shares EXCEPT if I felt very sure, after listening to D, that they would not feel less loved even if the shares were unequal and based on need.

No. Super-manipulative, guilt-tripping and unfair.

Four kids, four shares. D is always free to help the others if he/she chooses to do so.

PosterBoy · 17/10/2023 23:04

god some of you like to lay on the emotional manipulation don't you!

Heaven forbid you allow D to make their own choice to be generous if they want to

Bunnylove19 · 17/10/2023 23:35

Equal shares.
Also, be aware situations change, and you may also not be aware of all of your children’s financial or personal information.

YankeeDad · 17/10/2023 23:49

i am genuinely not understanding how this is emotional manipulation. Loving a person means trying to meet some of their needs. Different people have different levels of need and different kinds of need.

if child 1 had just eaten and had a full freezer of their favourite dishes, and child 2 was very hungry with fast metabolism and an empty freezer, and there was a tray of lasagne available, I genuinely don’t understand why asking child 1 whether child 2 could have it would be emotional manipulation.

I realise money can be different if it is life changing. But … in this case it is not at all life changing for D given the amounts involved!

fulawitt · 18/10/2023 00:53

parent 2

Blueink · 18/10/2023 00:56

Even split

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