What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

You can’t just ‘give’ away £300k tax free anyway!
If you’re talking about a WILL then it should be that all assets are split equally… if the richer child decides they want to gift their inheritance to their siblings then that’s their choice to make. The parents shouldn’t make that decision in the behalf of child 4

We’re born with nothing we die with nothing. It should be shared equally between the 4. It makes no odds what cards anyone was dealt. In fact any one of those could be you put yourself in each child’s shoe. You have to just be fair. Appreciate you have loved ones around you and your happy and healthy x

I'm all about every one getting an equal share regardless of income BUT 2 siblings have already gained in the way of 1 basically got a house and the other received financial contributions so they can afford their house.

I say give a bigger share to the 2 that haven't gained previously. Why should 2 of them already be receiving financial assistance and still get an equal share?

Parent 2 is probably the mother. If they do it equally between all 4 then there will be no fallout
The solution is to ask 4 that spliting between 3 is what you would like to do. Get number 4 to give up his share willingly
Then 4 wont feel hurt by not being included and he then gets the attention for being fare an generous
problem solved !

Anything other than an equal split of the money will cause some disharmony. No one deserves any more or less because of their personal circumstances. Equity vs equality is a political way of thinking, used for determining distribution of government funding to large groups of the population, not familial inheritance.

There is no way that D would come out of any conversation without some feeling of resentment and for A, B, C 75K is just as good as 100K in their circumstances, in which they will feel very grateful for.

I would first give child A, and D the same as what I gave B and C towards their houses...if I did give anything?

That sorted, with what is left, I would give each child a similar amount in consideration of their ages though.
They are aged from 35 to 48 years - that is quite a difference.
I would give the oldest child the most and the youngest child the least. My reasoning is that it is more advantageous to receive a windfall at a younger age. I would seek advice from an accountant to work out the fair difference.

To continue .. So, after giving A and D an amount similar to 75,000 each (and assuming an accountant works out if these two get exactly the same or different due to their age at receipt) that would leave 150 left to split up.
(This also assumes that the extra, in excess of 75,000, given to C to cope with a child with extra needs is fair because the other siblings don't mind and it's to the kid)

150,000 left ..
Say their ages were 48, 44, 40 and 35 that makes 163 years so about 920 per year of age each...
It would be worked out accurately but approx ..
44200 + 75,000 to A
40500 to B
36800 to C
32200 + 75,000 to D

Equal spilt and don't put child d in the situation of asking them, as it puts the expectation on them to turn it down.

You don't know what will happen in the future for one thing, and if you split it unequally you will down the seeds for family problems further down the line.

The parents have already distributed unequally (house purchase help) so this money is one way to equal things up a bit for the oldest child and youngest child who have had no handouts as yet.

Your family are very lucky to have parents who are loving and willing and able to provide financial help.
Money is always difficult because it’s impossible to completely isolate it from emotions when it’s close family. What strikes me is that you have already (for very sincere reasons) given differing amounts to two of your children so it can never be completely evenly distributed if this is not taken into account. I am not saying it should be, just that you must bear this in mind. For instance has that topic ever been discussed with your four children? How they all feel about that might provide valuable insight into what you plan next.
Also it sounds as though your youngest child is only now at an age of thinking about children so why are you distributing to grandchildren already?
Leaving money to grandchildren knowing full well there could be more is very problematic and likely to be more divisive in the future.
You never know what the future holds and for that reason I would always divide equally between children. However, you are clearly generous and ultimately it is your money to do with as you wish. Good luck with finding the right solution for your family, it’s a nice problem to have!

Equally is the way to go. My mother suggested 1/4, 3/8, 3/8 for their will with my younger brother and myself getting more as we both have two children whereas our older brother has one. We both told our mother it was unfair for him to receive less than us and so the will has been written to split equally three ways.

@JonahAndTheMinnow I don’t know who you are in this scenario but can’t 1 & 2 talk to A, B, C and D?

Parent 2 .

I hate it when parents penalise children who have done well for themselves to give more to another who hasn't . You don't get high earning jobs by being lazy and if you split the money unequally you'll cause upset and rows .

I would split it equally, if the wealthier recipients feel that is not correct they can redistribute between them as they see fit.

Split it equally. It's a no brainer. To not do so will create resentment.

If you want to split it unequally and leave D out you need to have a group conversation with all 4 children together so this is a shared and open decision. I don't see why D would agree to it.

Split equally.

Otherwise you may as well say you don’t love child D as much. You think you know their situation but you likely won’t know everything about each of them. £75k is still life changing.

Dont be the parent that causes tension amongst the siblings and makes D feel an outcast.

If my parents had treated their 4 kids “equally”, then I would have most probably been dead 20 years ago. And I would now be homeless and destitute.

All 3 of my siblings are healthy, have partners, 2 have children, all own their own houses/cars/go on overseas holidays very regularly and are financially able to buy whatever they want (eg technology/caravans/clothes/jewellery/etc).

I have several medical conditions and disabilities, I can’t work, I live with chronic pain and deteriorating health, I cannot afford market rent and rent a small place from my parents, I cannot meet my bills (mainly medical), and never go on holiday/eat out/go out/buy alcohol. I will have no home once my parents are gone, I don’t know what I will do.

Sometimes it isn’t about being equal or trusting that siblings will even think of helping when life is shit, sometimes being fair is about meeting needs and the shit life has thrown at someone, because otherwise they would be completely lost.

I agree with parent 2.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00xxp5x

I remember watching this program where mum had provided child care to daughters 1 and 2 and because she wouldn’t be able to do the same when daughter 3 started a family wanted to leave more to 3 to compensate. Dad wanted it split equally. When they spoke with all the sisters together 1 and 2 agreed with mum. It’s a shame that the series can’t be viewed on iplayer because the whole series was very interesting.

There were 5 daughters not 3

Equal split but also encourage child C to get the financial support they're entitled to such as motability.

Equal split. But check capital gains tax liabilities before giving the money. And their banks will ask questions of them about the source of the money.

Split equally and let the children decide if they want to help each other out. However, it does sound like some of the children have already received money from parents and this could be taken in to account.

Definitely parent 2 all equal anything can happen. Equal is fair.

Equal

I'm a relatively high earner, in a significantly better position than my siblings (although also a single parent with no family support as I live abroad). In this situation, I'd tell my parents that I was fine (as I have done in real life when my mum was worrying about fairness), and give my share to the family with the disabled child. Not so much for them, as for my nephew, who will always need that extra support.

My parents keep a kind of rough running total of what each child has been given/paid back (eg house deposits, education etc) and try to keep it roughly balanced, but as I'm doing OK, as long as my other siblings aren't taking advantage of my parents, I'm not actually fussed how uneven it is. Give to each according to need imo.