What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

2

Fairness to me looks like spreading the money equally between all four children. The individual situations of the children are irrelevant, they should all be treated exactly the same. Why would the parent want to create resentment between siblings by treating some differently.

It has to be equal shares, otherwise he’ll set up resentment of the future no other option

As long as child D has been loving and caring towards parents they deserve their full share.

Equal split

Split it equally otherwise it will cause ill feeling between the siblings. Similar happened to me when my sister was left much more from my mother's will because "I'd brought disgrace on her by getting divorced". I haven't spoken to my sister since.

Parent 2 is in the right here

Another option here could be including the grandchildren as equal recipients of the money. Assuming DC1 has 2 children, DC2 has one and DC3 has two children, and DC4 has none then this potentially means splitting the money between 9 people rather than 4, but the households with the lower incomes would receive more than the household with the higher income.

Split evenly between the 4, B and C hace already gotten extra, why should D be excluded. If you were going to be doing any kibd of uneven split you d need to be giving A extra to balance things up a bit

Parent 2 is completely correct and the only question is whether you should take into account the help that two of your children have already had when dividing up this latest money. That's up for debate and, once you have a sense of what you think, that is the point that should be discussed - separately - with all four children. Probably I would be inclined to keep this "no strings" gift a separate thing but discuss with A and D openly giving your reasons for that decision (dire straits of B and C at the time and setting it as emergency money for unforeseen circumstances) and check they are happy with that, reassuring them that you are extremely concerned that everybody sees everything you do as fair because you love them so much.

So much of the way these things go depends less on the eventual course of action and more on whether a full and frank conversation (by which I mean there being a sense two way discussion about feelings involved, not "here's what I've decided, take it or leave it") was had between all parties.

Absolutely split equally or you'll be the cause of untold resentment of child D

Sorry - BY child D

for fairness I think parent 2 is morally right. I can’t imagine £75 grand would be sniffed at by the older three? To me that would still be a life saving amount

Parent 2 is right.

It should be split equally

It sounds like the kids are well set up to be honest.

I would put a large sum of the money in trust for their disabled grandchild (assuming provisions haven't already been made), then spit the rest between the other grandchildren, potentially also in trust depending on their maturity level.

If insistent its going to children, I think having a conversation with child D about it and if they're agreeing splitting between A,B and C. If D isn't agreeable, split 4 ways.

Parent 2 is correct. Don't punish child d for being successful.

Of course parent 2 is right.

I’d give them all the same sum BUT I would set aside some of the money separately for the disabled grandchild eg in a trust or something. Argument would be that there should be money put aside for them for If they substantially outlive their parents

Parent 2 is right.

The split the poster has put is crazy, no way should it be split that way. If it was an inheritance for instance with no will it would be split equally between the 4 children regardless of whether they have DC or not.

It is tricky as B and C have had some money gifted already but ignoring that I would say equal split, its the only fair way. You have helped the less fortunate DC already in other ways.

Parent 2 is right ! What if you were child d or married to child d would you be happy and settle for missing out , I don’t think so either so you know the right thing to do.

Parent 2

Parent 2 definitely- they shouldn't be punished for making different life decisions to their siblings.

Split it evenly between all children. You shouldn't favour one or two over the others regardless of the reasons. You love all your children the same so in this specific circumstance they should all receive the same. By leaving D out you are in affect 'punishing' them for the choices they have made in regard to their partner and career. The circumstances of your other children are irrelevant too.

Good luck!