What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

I would split it out equally. If anything, I’d actually give less to the ones who have already had significant financial support towards their housing.

Probably because they feel judged (rightly or wrongly) for their teenage pregnancy (even if not by family, but by society at large)? I can imagine needing that sort of help might make a person feel they've let their family down or are the bad or useless one compared to the rest of the siblings.

Parents need to have a conversation with Child D. In my family I would expect Child D to tell parents to split it 3 ways.

Equal. Circumstances may differ, but that might be of their own making/choosing. If things are so bad for the first three, £75k will still make a big difference. Why should D lose out because they’ve worked hard?

Parent 2

Where are you in the equation...

Split equally.......

I'd avoid that decision entirely and parents 1 and 2 keep the money themselves and enjoy it!

Should be split equally between four children.
OP are you child D?

I am with parent 1, but I would explain my reasons.

It should be split equally. Parent 2 is right.

I would email or write to everyone and say "We have sold [the asset]. We intend to give each of the grandchildren £x and you, A, B, C and D, £75K each. We will transfer this money to you on 16th January (or some other decently future date)".

This gives D (or B or C who have already had help) time to reflect on the situation if they want to, and come back to the parents if they want to, and say if they want to "actually, I have enough money and would prefer it if you gave my share to [any combination of A, B and C] / [the grandchildren] / [the cats home].

This allows the parents to treat all their children equally in this particular division of money with no arguing about who deserves what and why, puts no pressure on D to give up their share if they don't want to, and allows D to be the generous one who has voluntarily given up their share if that is what they choose to do.

Split the money equally. That way there is less acrimony and less squabbling amongst the siblings.

I think the gesture is important than the funds in the bank account.

If you exclude D it says that their effort to make themselves financially secure means that they come last in your priority list. If you are gifting your children it should be all your children, D can of course offer to forfeit their gift if they want

In my family I am D and my sibling is similar to B. My parent was writing their will recently and I said to leave everything to my sibling as I am already comfortable. They absolutely refused to as they said anything should be an equal split. In reality when that day comes I will gift my sibling my share, unless my circumstances drastically change which is unlikely. Both my parent and sibling know this but my parent felt really uncomfortable not treating us as equals

@Appleass why are you.with parent 1? Do you think B should get a house bought for them at 21 never have rent or mortgage to pay and still be seen as the hard done to poor relation?

Haven't the gifts that B and C have already received reduced the amount of the inheritance? Is A happy with receiving an equal amount?

Totally agree with parent B how the hell can you give to 3 kids & leave one out would you have done that when they were younger? Of course not so why do it now! Oh yeah because one has worked their arse off to get to where they are; now they may choose to give 25k to their siblings but that’s their choice but as a parent you have to treat your kids the same.

Split equally

Split it equally

I agree with parent 2 - split the money evenly then there's no arguments about one getting more than the other.

Are you parent 2?

I am the higher earning sibling. I earn almost triple my sibling, and with spouses taken into account our household income is probably four times theirs. However, I have DC. Sibling doesn't. They live in a very cheap area, we don't (there's choices there but we live where we do for the job opportunities so it balances out). Our outgoings are also about 4x theirs, because of where we live and DC.

My parents would never dream of anything other than an equal split between us, and I would rather have them keep the money and use it for their own lives. However, if they viewed it like parent 1 in this scenario and gave me nothing while gifting to my sibling because they think they've assessed their "need" as greater, I wouldn't be able to move past that. I would feel like they didn't care about me enough to think I would appreciate the help. And like my sibling was the preferred one.

Assuming that there’s no question of one child being the primary care for the parents, or similar, then money should be split evenly.
If child D wants to give theirs to the others, then that should be their choice to do so.

I would suggest that both parents discuss with child d what they think, they well be supportive of gifting the money to their siblings. If I were D I would certainly not want the money and to suggest it was split to siblings instead.

Parent 2 is in the right. If parent 1 goes with their plan they can't be surprised if it causes a massive rift in the family.

Don't think B & C can argue that D is the favourite anymore!

Parent 1 is an arse. This option is guaranteed to destroy the family

Parent 2's option is the correct path here.

Parent 2 is 100% right.