What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

Yes same. Why have they had a house bought but the others haven’t?

I think Child A might be right that they are the black sheep!

@shockthemonkey but in that circumstance why did the parents ask if there was only one 'right' answer? Does d2 know it was a trick question and they're now being judged negatively by the rest of the family?

Equal split

Split between the 3 that need it more

My husbands parents have given us money here and there to help pay for things and then also gave us a large sum of money to buy a house.

Whereas my husbands younger brother has had no financial help at all as he currently does not need it for his situation in life.

My FIL has kept a spreadsheet of all the money we have ever received.

There is due to be a large inheritance from the sale of a grandparents house and as it stands my husband and I will get nothing from that inheritance but my BIL will to the equal amount of what my husband and I have already received.

To me this seems totally fair, the BIL has never complained that we have received all this money and he has not because he did not need it at the time. And we are not mad that the BIL is about to get a large chunk of money and we are to get nothing, because the BIL needs it now and we have already had ours.

My husbands parents also used to pay for my husband and I, as well as his brother and his gf, to go on holiday with them but as my husband and I’s wages increased with our careers they no longer pay for us, but still pay for his brother and the brother gf to go on the holiday (the brother and gf are both working they earn far less than we do). Again this doesn’t seem unfair to us as we can afford to pay for ourselves now whereas for my BIL it would be a struggle.

I would think/hope that your children would view things in the same way.

This ties back to the equity thing that other posters have mentioned, I think splitting the money equally isn’t fair when some children have already had quite a big helping hand and also some children are in much better financial situations than others - my hope would be that D would turn the money down out of principle anyway.

You need to work out how much you have given each child so far for houses, disability care etc to the value of todays money (I.e what is child B’s house worth now if they were to sell because I’m assuming they would keep that money) and then split the money equally between them. I would also ask D if they actually need the money or not and how they would feel if they didn’t get it.

I'm really not getting this argument because for me it is simple.
Inheritance is never a given nor should be thought of.
What it is would be a gift of a lifetime of loving you, a way for me to keep looking after you the best way I can.
Regardless of how much or little is left it should be split between the amount of children you have, regardless of their situation, let them sort it out if they want to give it to a sibling after they have grieved for you.
My children have vast differences in income but I would not give 1 more than they other... out of my death will come a gift for them and I don't want that tarnished, I would also never ask 1 to give alway that gift, that would be their choice!

It should be split equally. Always.

I would split equally and let everyone know that if anyone says anything other than Thank You, that will be reflected in your will.

I agree with all of this.

Nobody will begrudge the support to a parent with a disable child that rhey will be financially responsible for forever. At a pinch, children A and D may look equally sympathetically to child B given the teen single parent issue, but there is a distinction to be drawn there given that a) B won't be financially responsible for her child herself, and b) becoming a teen parent is a choice, whereas having a disabled, permanently dependent child is not.

Really though I'm with the majority. Split it four ways. D may always do you a solid and agree to forego his/her share to go into the pot for the others in which case happy days but they shouldn't be penalised for doing well. Their high income job may well bea lot more stressful than the lower income jobs of their siblings

Everyones financial situation and work ethic is completely irrelevant. Splitting evenly is the only fair option between siblings, that is a massive resentment waiting to happen.
Child D might decide “I have more than enough money I will split my share into 3 for my siblings to share”, that would be 100% their own choice. Child D should NEVER be cut off due to their current circumstances.

edit - I am a full time carer for my child who needs 24/7 care & will never be independent. I cannot work because of this. I would still never expect my siblings, who are high earners with big bought houses, to lose out on an inheritance in order to give me more money.

This.

If they un and ah split it equally. Its not D's fault the "black sheep" of the family are the first couple of kids and didn't get the family advantages of D. Black sheep are liable to moan regardless.

Parent 2 is right

@JonahAndTheMinnow - so go on, you’ve had 22 pages of comments - think it’s time you said who you are in this situation!

It sounds like B isn’t married and isn’t on the mortgage so wouldn’t be entitled to anything if they split from their partner.

Definitely equal split regardless of their circumstances. Just like you should love your children equally.

Sorry I’m wrong- should learn to read !

I'd split it equally. Why should D be punished for his success? I think ts fair to give everyone £75K.

Split equally or there will be resentment. Not because of the money itself but because of the favouritism.

Unless you speak to child D to sound them out first and get their agreement in advance, but present it as a what do you think/we are wondering if it’s a good idea to… , scenario, rather than a done deal.

Similar happened in my family; parents divided everything equally, despite one being a millionaire. By the time they died, the sibling had lost everything. It’s more about being loved equally.

A few years ago my mum downsized and freed up a fair bit of equity in her house. She gave me and my two siblings a cheque for a few K each. My siblings and I are very similar to Child A, B and D in this post. I’ve recently found out that my mum really didn’t want to give the money to my sibling who is most like Child D as he just didn’t need it. I can see why parent 2 in this post may want to give it just to those children who it would actually make a difference to.

B has been given a house and has never had to pay rent or a mortage and thinks they are the black sheep of the family?

Did you give each child the same amount as ‘gifted’ to child D for their custom built house?
worth talking to D, see how they would feel about having less as they’ve already received the benefit. But either way, needs to be discussed with D and then all children because discussing I think personally.

Should be split equally or it will just divide the family & there will be ill feeling. After all they are their parents children of matter how much they have. Treat your kids equally I say.

This really is not an equity not equality scenario.

Everyone is house and financially stable. Some of them may not be as financially comfortable as they’d ideally like to be , but no one is on the breadline.

There is no need for parents to make judgements about which of their children is deserving and which are not in this scenario. Doing so is only going to breed resentment.