What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

Parent 2. Child 4 may not take the money. I wouldn’t if I were in that position and could see siblings would benefit more from it but I wouldn’t like to have that decision taken from me.

Why on earth wouldn’t you split equally regardless of their life. You can see who your favourite children are 😂

Absolutely parent 2. Anything could change for child D, illness, redundancy etc. It's still a lot of money for all 4 children to have!

I’m with parent a. Equity not Equality.
You aren’t giving an inheritance, you are giving a gift for specific needs.

If I won the lottery I wouldn’t split out my money equally.

Have the children been asked and if so what does child D say?
I have 3 siblings and I’d like to think if I didn’t need to money I’d encourage my parents to give to those who need it more.

why not, why wouldn't you give more to your favourite and make obvious which one it is 🙄

I would say even split or talk to child D and ask if they would feel ok with a 3 way split given they don't need the money and their siblings do.
If I was child d, as long as my siblings weren't layabout ar*eh#les I would be ok with not getting anything as long as it was a conversation not a decision set in stone

I can see the dilemma… it seems that youngest child would not notice a £75k payment which would be easily achieved for them child 2 has already had a significant boost from parents so would it really be fair to give more without reflecting that help …. It seems that the real question is how do the children feel about splitting the funds do they all feel they need it or would they have a sibling supportive split that reflects how they feel about their finances ….

Parent 1 is right. We are that last couple and we have rejected inheritance from both our parents in favour of our siblings who desperately need it, we've also helped support our siblings. How anyone could think it was fair otherwise is beyond me.

Fairness would be splitting it 4 ways equally i think.

Everyone has different lives that can change up and down at a moments notice and whilst one may be better off than the other at this time, change can happen.

If it were me id be fully comfortable in the fact that ive given my 4 DCs equal money, my hands are clean in a sense.

On an entirely separate note, if i was child D, i would say i dont need it please share it with A B & C, but the thought would be a lovely one and very appreciated.

Personally I would either split it equally or I would create a trust for the grandchildren to use- so they can withdraw money as needed in lines with the deeds of the trust- training, education, cars etc so they can use it... I don't feel the kids need the money in the same way. Even if they have other money to use- a training trust would be useful for courses they may want to do, using for university- and even the disabled grandchild could use it for daycentres, physio etc as that's linked to training!!

completely different scenario. It was YOUR choice, but you were treated equally.

The reason why you thought it fair to help out your sibling is probably because your parents didn't play games and favourites to start with.

Not treating your own kids equally is never fair.

Parent 2 for sure. D can decide what to do - they may want to gift it to their siblings, but it would be very unfair - potentially disastrously so - to cut them out. They also may break up with their partner or some other catastrophe May befall them at a Kyle stage

The division of funds can look like a popularity contest, so regardless of their personal circumstances, you need to equally share the money between the four siblings. If you don't, trust me when I say that all hell will break loose!

Equal. There has already been significant amounts given to b&c. To make it unequal will,potentially breed resentment for d against them all and understandably. They all get the same

Parent 2 is correct.

My parents think I am doing well compared to my siblings because I don’t burden them with details about my financial situation. If I was left out in the way parent 1 suggests, I would be extremely hurt. Whilst I would respect my parents decision, I think it would ruin my relationship with both them and my siblings.

My husbands parent did something similar and he will never forgive her. He doesn’t care about the money. He just felt hurt.

No I think to single one child out and give them nothing would be tough for anyone to get over, tbh. That would be a mistake. You're effectively punishing them for doing well. I understand that child A and child B may be heading for a less comfortable retirement, but they are adults have had the chance to improve that situation for themselves.

However, I would make an exception for child C and give a higher amount on the grounds of their ongoing care costs

Parent 2. Parent 1's view is a recipe for disaster.

Why should child D suffer because other children didn't do well in their careers?

Parent 2

100% should be equal! Basically saying cos child 4 has gone and been successful they shouldn’t inherit which is so unfair. Definitely £75k each.

Parent 2. Anything else just feels like you're punishing a high earning child for doing well in their career, or rewarding someone for having a child at 16.

Loving the casual dismissal of the 100k house for B. No favourites here!

I'd split 5 ways - pot for each child and the last fifth spilt b/w grandchildren to give them a pot that wasnt dependent on the parent sharing.

I'd seperately ensure disabled grandchild is provided for.

Money sews division especially when you start making decisions over who is 'most deserving' so you might as well treat everyone the same.

Divide equally, it’s the fairest option.

Definitely not Parent 2.

Those posters who think each sibling should receive an equal portion regardless of individual circumstances, haven’t been brought up properly and they’re clearly self centred gits too. Glad I’m not related to anyone like that.

We had a similar scenario where child 3 was left the majority of parents money because of their disability and it was something that I helped the parents to set up legally. All siblings were in agreement that this was the fairest solution.

It’s been over 20 years since our parents died and no-one has fallen out because of it, presumably because we’re not selfish twats. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Parent 2 is right. If child d wants to say they don't need the money and should be split between other three, they can say that.