What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

Parent 2

When my grandparents died an be their house was sold my dm wanted to split the money 3 ways between myself my Dsis and herself.
As I was already on the housing ladder I told my Dm to give my share to my dsis. As I thought it would help her (and she has a good job). D in this scenario might do the same.

It should be split equally between all children irrespective of their personal situation.

I get your logic but these are your children. Their marital status, career decisions etc just don’t enter in to it.

The only thing it should read is:
child A is our child
child B is our child
child C is our child
child D is our child

None need protecting from receiving a large sum of money (like addictions, controlling partner etc)
Its not a business decision, logic doesn’t apply here, it’s just fairness. The only thing you’ll gain is Child D feeling less loved because they’re more successful.

I have two brothers who are more successful than me financially and one sister who is worse off. I'd feel a lot more awkward if my parents felt my sister and I needed all their money than I would if my parents decided my sister needed it all. I think I would deeply resent the insinuation that I was one of the "loser" children who needed their money more, especially as my sister has a much better reason to have a low income than me!

Split equally into 5 including something for grandkid with additional needs.

It's all very transactional and quite sad. I'm with parent 1 but also if I was a millionaire I wouldn't think of seeing my siblings struggle for money

I would hope my kids, who are treated equally and fairly, have been brought up properly and wouldn't call people "selfish twats" and "self centred gits" simply because they don't have the same point of view.

Glad they are not related to you!

All treated equally.

Split money 4 ways or they'll have adult children who never get on & one who feels vety resentful. By law if they both died without a will it would automatically get split equally anyway.

4 way equal split.

Equal shares between the four is only way in this situation. But if somebody has already had a substantial amount of money maybe they should get less

Both have valid points ,however imagine the fallout if child d didn't get anything. Realistically 75k is still a massive amo8nt for the other 3 anyway so I'd side with parent 2 on this .

Everybody makes choices in life.
They should not be discriminated for their choices.
Equal shares.
This has the potential to blow your family apart.
Money can have that affect

Equal split between 4 children.

I'm one of 4 and an executor with my brother. I'm B and he's C in this scenario.

A few years ago my mother showed me the will. B got the family business some years ago when my dad got sick. Therefore the family home is going to be split between A,B and D when the time comes. We get to pick items from the house in a fair manner but then C was getting 10K and we were getting the rest of whatever cash is left. It just didn't sit right with me. He's kept the business successful through some fairly rough seas of financial downturn and Covid.

The will is changed are any monies left are being split equally 4 ways. I would hate to fall out with my siblings over a will. How successful of not a person is should not be a reason for them to get more or nothing.

On the other hand DH also one of 4, most successful of the four and has been told he is getting nothing as he is doing OK for himself.

I'm in a very similar situation as the child. I am the lowest earner and my siblings are significantly more financially comfortable. I wouldn't even consider wanting to have more than them

I would add the value of the house already bought and the help given towards the other house to the 300k and then split it between 4. with B and C having their share reduced by what they have already been given.

I'm with parent 1.

I'd hope that I'd raised Child D well enough to not resent the decision considering how they already have more than enough.

I was all for the equal split until I read the situation of child D. I would talk to child D and see how they feel. If in doubt split equally, but with D’s agreement maybe split £95K to A, B and C, with D getting 15K - as an acknowledgment?

Why is this even a question, it should be split equally!

You can't talk to D, that's just a salve to your conscience while putting them in an impossible position. Plus, what will you do if D agrees they don't need it but doesn't see why their 75k should go equally between A, B and C? They might think C will be taken care of regardless, B has had a leg up already and all of D's share should therefore go to A. Would you be happy with that?

I can see the sense in providing for C's disabled child via a trust or similar but beyond that I don't really see why it's for you to 'even up' the lives of the other three. They all made choices and are all arguably in a better position than many, with paid off houses for A and B (I agree with the many comments regarding lifelong free housing for B). Without a mortgage there is plenty of scope for retraining, investment, paying AVCs etc to redress any pension shortfall.

If you did choose to give to A, B and C only and they all spaffed it up the wall on fast cars and fancy holidays rather than towards pensions etc where would that leave you with regards to how you feel about D?

Equal shares

D could get made redundant tomorrow, have a medical need or some other reason why they can't work, etc.

Split it equally.

Parent 2 is right. Child 4 can choose what to do with the money. Child might be one of my brothers who would automatically give to charity/charities a large proportion if not all, and choice of charity would be influenced by charities that help others in his family, and his friends.

Edited to add perhaps Parent 1 could encourage him in this route? In 'we are giving you 1/4 share as that is fair to split it 4 ways, but if you feel that you don't need the ££ please have our blessing to donate to charity or spend to help others as you see fit. '

Equal is the fairest way. Parent 2.