What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

Totally equal shares for sure.

The only caveat I'd add is to discuss with C before handing it over as if there are benefits at play there may be a catch.

I get significantly more financial support from my parents than my siblings do and will inherit everything when they die- but then the total weight of caring for them falls to me and has done since my mid 20’s… I don’t know if they feel it’s fair or not, but they haven’t ever brought it up with me so I don’t think it can really be an issue.

Id split it according to need, but not leave D out altogether.

I'd just split it equally. If I was D I would gift my share to my siblings, but that's up to them. They might end up helping one or more of their siblings out in the future when you aren't around anyway.

The thing here is that 3 of the 4 already own homes outright, and C has a small mortgage with only 4 years to go on a £500k house.

This really isn’t a some of the siblings are destitute situation at all.

It looks like a large part of D’s wealth is their spouse’s inheritance too. It’s really unfair to count that against them.

Treating them all the same is the only reasonable thing to do. Especially if other provision has been made for the grandkids, presumably including a great deal for C’s children.

I think the suggestion by redcrosssupporter is really good, split the money between the grandchildren.

Don't do this. D will rightly see what they're expected to do and it won't leave them any good options. If you're going to exclude D at least do it yourself.

Split equally

Life happens some of it is by accident and some by design

Both DH and I each had a parent who left their entire estate to a specific child cutting us out, I have other siblings, he has one sister.

Both our sisters are basically shit at life because of poor decision making. My siblings and I have totally cut off the one who was left everything. It was not so much that she was left everything it was her attitude around it.

@icelollycraving penalising success that’s exactly what’s happened to us.

Except that the children are 35-48. 3 of them appear to have completed their families. D may yet start one - or not. It’s still just a way of excluding D.

And the OP has said that specific provision had already been made for the grandchildren anyway.

All of these ways to justify saying ‘no D. You don’t deserve any of this.’

I can see need for help for C but why B if they've never had rent or a mortgage to pay since they were 21. Why wouldn't they or their partner put the money for this into a private pension? Have they just been expectant that parents will give them money or guilt D into it?

Well I think things like this should always be split equally. But in this case, the children have already been treated very differently with B being given a house already, so it's hard to know where to go from here. Probably split between the others? But it depends how it was explained when B was given the house? Was the expectation that she would pay it back at some point? Was it a loan? A gift?

Something you might like to consider regarding leaving anything to grandchildren is the following...

My grandmother had two children. Both terrible with money. She planned to leave any inheritance equally between her 5 grandchildren. However, one of her children had one child, the other had 4 children.

My mother kicked up an ENORMOUS fuss about how unfair it was on me (the lone child). In her eyes, if the money had been split between the 2 children, I would have been entitled to half of anything my grandmother had on her death. In the plan to leave everything between the 5 grandchildren, I would have 'only' inherited a fifth. (The reality was ridiculous as both children would have wasted their inheritance and had nothing to leave their children anyway.)

The point I'm making is, if people feel entitled to something, they will be upset and cause a fuss about it regardless of what you actually do. Any existing family tensions will always rise to the surface when money is involved.

My grandmother ended up leaving everything to one of my cousins and as a result that cousin has been disowned by both her parent and one sibling who felt entitled. My mother has spent the last 10 years being bitter about it as well.

Personally, I'm glad the person who showed the most care for my grandmother got the inheritance. It my eyes, that is fair. The problem is, everyone views fairness differently.

I don't envy you the decision you have to make. I can only suggest that you discuss the situation with the children and see what they think. It may make things more complicated but it may not. Also, be completely transparent about what will happen in the future once you have reached a decision. Good luck.

All the background info is a redherring. Split it equally or cause a rift & resentment that will never disappear

Yes didn't read it all. Doesn't matter, all kids should get the same. Who knows what's round the corner. Anyone can have a life changing accident and change of financial circumstances.

All 4 get the same, that’s the only fair option.

Parent 2 is right. Any other split will cause one child to feel punished for their own life circumstances and choices and not equally loved. Ive seen this pan out in parent 1’s scenareo in my own family and it destroyed the sibling relationships.

a pp was right, this isn’t just about money, its about feeling cared for and equal in the parents thougts.

@HoHoHoliday Yes! That's the one that stuck with me too

Yes, I'm the "youngest and most successful" sibling in my unit of four. Ignoring the size of the financial gifts, I'm hugely grateful that my parents take an "everything equal" attitude to money.

Funnily enough the gifts we do get come from my dad's side of the family, where he and his siblings took over shared financial care and responsibility for their disabled sister, who was given nothing so that she would remain entitled to state assistance that you couldn't buy otherwise.

My mum's side of the family take a "treat according to need" approach, and the aunt who "needed" the money most spunked it all on drugs and ended up financially abusing my grandparents.

Even looked at super-cynically, if D feels loved and valued the same as other siblings, they're more likely to care and support them financially in the future.

£75k each no question
Doing anything else will cause irreparable damage amongst the siblings

Should be split equally. Best way forward . You don’t know how circumstances can change .

Also bear in mind child 4 will one day write a will, don't alienate them as their gift to their nephews and nieces could be life changing too.

I wonder if the parents and siblings are expecting this and they'll think D is being 'fair' if they leave Ds side of family if they follow the family plan of giving them nothing as they're already set from being left all the gp money they should be 'fine'?

Split it equally. £75k is going to be a very large sun for A-C; cutting out D to increase it up to £100k for them isn’t going to make that much of a difference and involves a giant downside in terms of risking everyone’s relationships.

D could still have a child or children if they’re 35.

Talk to child d and explain the situation. Their response would sway me. They may have some pressures your unaware of and need the money so auto excluding them could cause serious detriment.

Parent 2 is right. Who is to say that something won;t change in the future.

The only time I would ever say that one child should get more is if one child has significant care needs and is still dependent on the parents.

Parent 2 all day long. Child D may well decide to support their siblings in some way in future, but that’s unlikely to happen if the parents treat them differently by cutting them out of the gift.