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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

840 replies

JonahAndTheMinnow · 16/10/2023 19:34

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Hooplahooping · 16/10/2023 21:39

Divide it up according to descendents. That’s what my grandparents did. With your Example 300k - 4 children + 5 grandchildren = 9 shares of 33.3k
A + 2 children = 99k
B + 1 = 66k
C + 2 = 99k
D solo = 33k

I think it’s either got to go that way or totally equal. Otherwise all the other variables are so subjective.

Whataretheodds · 16/10/2023 21:40

LimeCheesecake · 16/10/2023 21:31

But they already have been unequal in what they have given - B was gifted a house when they needed it. C was given large sums of money to adapt their home for their child. A&D haven’t been given anything significant so far.

As B & C have already had large sums given to them based on their greater needs, this should now be split evenly.

I don't necessarily agree.

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/10/2023 21:40

Parent B, treat them equally.

Life may look rosy for D now but life is rarely as straightforward forward as you think it will be.

windmill26 · 16/10/2023 21:41

Share equally. My mother has done some crap like parent 1 want to do ( I am the sibling that didn't receive the share of the pot). As a daughter all I see that in my mother's eyes I am not the same as my sibling . We have not been on good terms since and I expect my sibling to do all the caring and running around when the time comes.

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 21:41

Hooplahooping · 16/10/2023 21:39

Divide it up according to descendents. That’s what my grandparents did. With your Example 300k - 4 children + 5 grandchildren = 9 shares of 33.3k
A + 2 children = 99k
B + 1 = 66k
C + 2 = 99k
D solo = 33k

I think it’s either got to go that way or totally equal. Otherwise all the other variables are so subjective.

HOW is giving one child 99k and another one 33k fair in any possible way?

Punish one child for not having children, or for having less?

What a awful way to treat your kids.

ColleenDonaghy · 16/10/2023 21:41

Split it equally, possibly with an adjustment for the help given to B - I'm sure the others would be in a stronger financial position now if they'd started out in life with a mortgage free property.

No need to adjust for the help given to C I don't think - I'd class that as helping your grandchild and is clearly a special case.

Don't punish D for doing well in life - they may see it that the others are rewarded for making bad decisions or not working as hard. Definitely don't speak to D about it, that's even worse than deciding yourselves not to give them any.

ColleenDonaghy · 16/10/2023 21:41

Split it equally, possibly with an adjustment for the help given to B - I'm sure the others would be in a stronger financial position now if they'd started out in life with a mortgage free property.

No need to adjust for the help given to C I don't think - I'd class that as helping your grandchild and is clearly a special case.

Don't punish D for doing well in life - they may see it that the others are rewarded for making bad decisions or not working as hard. Definitely don't speak to D about it, that's even worse than deciding yourselves not to give them any.

LindaDawn · 16/10/2023 21:41

Parent 2. I would hope though that they gave their share to their siblings.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 16/10/2023 21:41

HoppingPavlova · 16/10/2023 21:39

I’m with parent 1, and that’s the way our will goes. Before anyone gets up in arms about that it’s really driven by the kids with the one who gets the least who worked out the ‘fair’ split based on likely future circumstances and need. I’m happy to say we raised kids who appreciate that all people are different with different needs, and that money in such a circumstance is no reflection of the love between people.

Thank you, I don't get all this must be equal narrative.

I agree it depends on your kids and I would expect a child who loves his sibling will be understanding I'm such a situation. D is fine financially and the money will make more of a difference for the others so I would expect D to be compassionate and understanding not immediately accuse parents of not loving them. That's a very childish and selfish reaction.

I would also expect parents take the time to explain to all kids so there's no assumptions made by anyone that may lead to resentment.

JaceLancs · 16/10/2023 21:43

Should always be split equally unless someone has been absolutely awful to the person leaving the inheritance

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 21:43

NoTouch · 16/10/2023 21:32

Split 3 ways between the non-grabby dc.

so completely leave out the one who has already received a house and help?

Probably fair, but a bit extreme, you could just take off what has already been given

HoppingPavlova · 16/10/2023 21:44

Also realise circumstances change but as long as all kids in same page (which I know mine are), things are regularly reviewed and investments swapped around as needed etc then no issue. Having said that hoping that nothing happens to the one who is great at doing all of this, I do have another who could step up and do it and be ‘adequate’ but not like the child we all just leave with organising this as they are extremely savvy in this area.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 16/10/2023 21:44

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/10/2023 21:40

Parent B, treat them equally.

Life may look rosy for D now but life is rarely as straightforward forward as you think it will be.

What does you mean? D has an expensive home that will be paid off in 5 years, investment property and houses abroad etc and yet you claim he or she has to be given a share because life is not straightforward???

And giving the money they don't really need will make it straightforward?

boomtickhouse · 16/10/2023 21:45

WhyNotUsehis · 16/10/2023 19:49

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage.

Thats in reply to Almostautumn2023

Edited

Partner not married? So that house could easily be taken away and B will be left in a difficult position

JaceLancs · 16/10/2023 21:45

If person D feels they don’t need it - it us then their choice whether to redistribute to siblings or give to charity or someone else

ColleenDonaghy · 16/10/2023 21:45

Just thinking further - if B stayed at home and was then bought a house does that mean they've never paid for housing? No rent or mortgage, ever? I wouldn't be surprised if there's some resentment about that even if it's never been said. That's a phenomenal leg up in life.

poppettypop · 16/10/2023 21:46

Share it equally.

Wo knows what the future brings.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 16/10/2023 21:46

windmill26 · 16/10/2023 21:41

Share equally. My mother has done some crap like parent 1 want to do ( I am the sibling that didn't receive the share of the pot). As a daughter all I see that in my mother's eyes I am not the same as my sibling . We have not been on good terms since and I expect my sibling to do all the caring and running around when the time comes.

The question is did you need the money??? Was it a similar situation where your sibling truly needed it more than you or did your mother just decide to give it all to your sibling because she doesn't love you?

You can't claim favorite child in this case as she is splitting it among 3 children not just 1.

I'm sorry but I don't see it that way at all. I earn significantly more than my siblings and will happily tell my mother to give to the other 2 who need it more. That does not in anyway affect our relationship. If your mother truly gave it to another sibling because she prefers them that that is different.

Hooplahooping · 16/10/2023 21:46

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 21:41

HOW is giving one child 99k and another one 33k fair in any possible way?

Punish one child for not having children, or for having less?

What a awful way to treat your kids.

is if? perhaps I wasn’t clear - I’m not suggesting that they give it to the parents sorry - to be given directly to the grandchildren.

My brother has 4 children - I have 2. If my parents estate was divided so his children and mine got the same amount per individual I wouldn’t feel like I had been treated differently at all.

updownleftrightstart · 16/10/2023 21:48

Hooplahooping · 16/10/2023 21:46

is if? perhaps I wasn’t clear - I’m not suggesting that they give it to the parents sorry - to be given directly to the grandchildren.

My brother has 4 children - I have 2. If my parents estate was divided so his children and mine got the same amount per individual I wouldn’t feel like I had been treated differently at all.

But child D is only 35 - they may still have children yet

Snugglemonkey · 16/10/2023 21:48

Octavia64 · 16/10/2023 19:39

Parent 2 is right.

If they do what parent 1 is suggesting child D will feel that they are unloved. It will not be seen as a money issue at all but a which child is loved more issue.

This. An equal split is the only possible answer.

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 21:48

Ilovelifeverymuch · 16/10/2023 21:44

What does you mean? D has an expensive home that will be paid off in 5 years, investment property and houses abroad etc and yet you claim he or she has to be given a share because life is not straightforward???

And giving the money they don't really need will make it straightforward?

who are you to decide they don't need it?

You can't accuse them to have everything handed on a plate by their parents!
They must have worked their arse off to buy a house, an investment property.

Of course they should be given the same share as their siblings. What kind of parents punish their kids because they do "too well". It's ridiculous.

And what a life lesson, siblings do less, so they deserve more. How does that work.

Hooplahooping · 16/10/2023 21:49

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 21:41

HOW is giving one child 99k and another one 33k fair in any possible way?

Punish one child for not having children, or for having less?

What a awful way to treat your kids.

I really didn’t express myself clearly. I’m advocating that the grandchildren’s shares be assigned to the grandchildren / put in trust for them.

Merryoldgoat · 16/10/2023 21:49

You split it equally, however if I were D I’d tell them I didn’t need it.

Snugglemonkey · 16/10/2023 21:49

44PumpLane · 16/10/2023 19:43

Am I reading correctly that child B had a house bought for then by the parents already? Meaning that they have already received a considerable sum?

What do all the other children think about that?

However, to answer the actual question, I think you talk to child D, say you have £300k and you want to talk to them about how to split it. You are happy to split it between all 4 but given their personal circumstances how would they feel about it just going to the other 3 (or even just A and C if B has had a house bought for then already)?

You must absolutely express that you will happily follow whatever D chooses and never tell the others.

To cut out D without consultation would be terrible, and you can't guilt them into giving up their share, they may happily tell you to give it to their siblings, they may not. But you can't cut them out.

Nor can you put this on them. Totally unfair.

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