What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

I am with parent 2. Otherwise I would make sure they all know it’s parents 1 idea, and they can the flak from the fourth child who will be extremely hurt

each child has made decisions that has out them in the place they are now, why should one child have to forfeit because of their decision

These circumstances described. Is this where the parents have already shown extreme favouritism by only buying 2 of their 4 children houses outright?

OP has said the 300k isn't the full sun, with the rest going to the grandchildren so they aren't under consideration here.

You split it equally

Neither Parent 1’s option nor Parent 2’s.

A-D are adults. Families and lives of their own.

This should be a conversation. A serious conversation where they all agree on what’s right. I would expect D to say “I don’t need it, give it to my nephew”. I would expect A-C to say variations on that theme. I would expect ALLLLL of A-D to take responsibility for their own lives and their own families. This inheritance is a bonus.

The key to all of this is for money not to spoil the relationships. These bonds are far more important than £75,000 apiece.

I watched this series too. It was brilliantly done and such an eye opener as to how parents can get it wrong!

Given your post about favourites, just split it equally this time. You've helped them out to different levels before based on need. I think on this occassion and to ensure no mor resentment about favourites is built up just split is equally. As you said there is additional money going to the grandkids anyway

Ah, good, I’ll try reading next time 🤦🏼‍♀️🤡

I don't necessarily believe what is fair is the same as equal division at that point but it does have the potential to cause serious issues between siblings if not split equally like parent 2 suggests.

If it were me I would probably have a conversation with D about it. I would make sure D would still receive a sum but probably 50k as realistically they don't need it but make provision elsewhere.

My DB has received in excess of 50K from my parents as a adult I have been completely financially independent since 18. But my DPs have been clear in their wills my DBs share is minus that sum. He initially went ballistic when my mum told him that was their plan, saying it wasn't fair etc. My mum was quite clear about it and it stands.

Apart from the fact that grandchildren have been taken care of separately, there’s only three years between D and B’s child. Do you really think it’s fair that D and an adult grandchild get the same?

Also as you said you have additional money for the grandkids, except D doesn't have any but what if they do in the future, so if you don't split equally and D gets nothing, they also get nothing because they haven't had a child yet. SEems very unfair, even if they have millions.

I think we can exclude child C's house given the circumstances, that will secure the disabled grandchild's future and you would hope no one would begrudge them that.

If I slogged through school, uni, professional qualifications etc while always covering my own housing but my sibling got pregnant at 16 and then stayed in low paying jobs never paying rent or mortgage however...

And what do people think D could say if their parents who clearly have their favourite children out of their 4, are telling them they don't need the money and their siblings (parents favourite who have already been bought a house each) deserve it more than them?

Your options are: 1. Split it all equally 2. Have a chat with dc4, ascertain their thoughts, ask their opinion and move on from there!

"You need to reread what I actually said.

B was bought a cheap house over 25 years ago for an amount that would be less than £100k in today’s money. It’s a small house in a cheap area."

Where can you buy a house for less than 100k today? A small house in a cheap area is going to be upwards of 200k in the UK, surely?

Anyway, I wonder why the earnings and pensions of anyone except C is relevant, as they are all 20 years+ off retirement age and could retrain and change careers if they felt they needed more money.

I know you said this isn't about grandkids but unless C's disabled child is fully provided for, I'd put £250k in trust for him or her and spend the other £50k on a blow out family holiday for everyone.

I would disregard the amount already given to C to help care for their disabled child, I can't see anyone in the family would begrudge that.
However, I would factor in that B has already been given a house by their parents. Calculate a likely value of that house in today's money, because they have that asset, and given A, C and D the same amount from the current £300K pot. If anything left over, split that equally between the four of them.
Don't leave D out, don't penalise them for being financially secure now. You don't know what may happen in future. What if they have an accident and can no longer work?
Treat all four of them equally otherwise you'll find resentment creeping in. It may not be there now, or at least, you may not think it's there now, whether you are one of the parents or one of the four, but you can't know for sure how the others are feeling.
If my sister had had a baby at 16 and my parents had bought her a home, I probably would have said good for you, and I would have resented them all for the rest of my life while I scrimped and saved for my house.
Likewise, if you ask D now whether they want to give up their share in favour of their poorer hard-working state-pension reliant siblings, its an emotionally loaded question that they cannot honestly answer.

Split it equally between all 4 and say no
more about it or keep the money.

all this debate about what to do with an asset between 4 adult dc is horribly manipulative and game playing imo.

Parent 2 is right. This is probably going to cause a rift if they are not treated equally despite their different circumstances.

Ok, she only got a paltry £100k free house from mum and dad then, while two of her siblings got nothing. My bad

Why are you so determined to give child B and C both over £100k more than their siblings and call it a fair split? They've had "theirs."

Def equal split.

Dying to know who you are @JonahAndTheMinnow

In principle, I agree with parent 1. I don't buy the whole 'Child D's circumstances could change', some other posters mention. Really, they could lose it all? From owning millions invested in property? And being in a lucrative career? Sounds rather unrealistic to me. I am with the equity over equality argument. Child D does not 'need' the assistance in any way. The 75k they miss out on is not a meaningful amount for them, but the 25k decrease each it represents for the others would make a considerable difference.

Perhaps as compromise, would it be possible to gift something to Child D of emotional instead of material value? For example, by setting apart a coveted/beloved family heirloom to go to Child D in the future inheritance or so (a watch? an antique? an artwork? piece of jewelry?). This would still provide a special gift to Child D, but would not dilute the difference the 100k could make for the other three children's quality of life now and in retirement.

For what it is worth, were I Child D, I would not resent being cut out of the 75k handout, and would appreciate the rationale.

I think this is a wise compromise.

@ChristmasCrumpet but can you imagine poor B and C, being bought houses outright by their parents so they're mortage free, B from the age of 21.... poor souls, clearly absolutely hard done too 😪

"All four siblings get on very well and there’s no resentment. Yet"

I wouldn't bet on that. I'd be pissed off if a sibling was stupid enough to get pregnant at 16 and was then rewarded with a house.

I'd split the money 25% and I wouldn't give separate amounts for the grandchildren. Keep it simple.