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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which of us is unreasonable?

96 replies

Piposy · 16/10/2023 19:30

My husband was invited out for dinner by a female friend he’s known for years. He checked with me that it was ok - I said it’s fine. Tonight he reminded me that I don’t need to cook tomorrow because he’s out. I remarked that I’m surprised the friend’s new boyfriend is ok with them going out for dinner together though. Apparently he’s fine with it because he’s going too!

It hasn’t even occurred to my husband to say “great, I’ll bring my wife too”. He claims he thought I wouldn’t want to come because I’m not the most social person. Which is true, but we have gone out for dinner with people and to other events like weddings many many times. It’s not like I never go out. Then he said I don’t like his friend - who I’ve never met apart from one occasion when she briefly said hello - I don’t see how I can dislike someone I’ve never really met or talked to. Then he said I don’t know her so why would I want to go - but her boyfriend doesn’t know my husband either and he’s still going. Then he said I’ve been poorly recently and I’m still recovering so he thought I wouldn’t want to go out - which also isn’t an excuse because I’ve been out with my mum, my husband and other friends, and I’ve specifically said I’m trying to pull myself together and get out a bit in order to help my recovery. It’s not because of childcare either, because a grandparent would happily babysit, and it’s not because we can’t afford it.

Regardless of all those reasons, he could still have asked me and I could have said no if I didn’t want to go. That should be MY decision, not a decision he makes for me. I was fine with it when it was just two of them having dinner, but if partners are going then I’m incredibly hurt and upset at being excluded.

He insists I’m the one in the wrong and I’m being ridiculous, he just didn’t invite me because he thought I wouldn’t want to go. But I’m deeply hurt. Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/10/2023 19:32

I wouldn't feel 'deeply' hurt I don't think but I would feel a bit put out, I'd think she must think he's being weird too!

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 16/10/2023 19:34

Honestly, I don't think either of you are being unreasonable really. It just sounds like a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything to really be hurt by.
For lots of seemingly reasonable reasons he felt you wouldn't want to go and you freely admit you aren't that social usually, and for equally understandable reasons you feel he shouldn't have made that choice for you.

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/10/2023 19:34

Yeah I think when he knew the boyfriend was coming it would have been totally normal and obvious to ask you. It's your decision that he shouldn't be making for you. I'm not sure I'd choose this particular dinner to make a stand on but worth making the general point that he shouldn't be making decisions for you.

Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 19:39

He didn’t ask me because for whatever reason he doesn’t want me to go. The bottom line is, if he wanted me to go he’d have asked me, even if he thought I’d say no. I’m obviously not good enough to be allowed to interact with his friend.

OP posts:
winterchills · 16/10/2023 20:14

I would be annoyed too. The invite at least would have been nice!!

Freeme31 · 16/10/2023 20:25

Sorry OP but he does not want you there, id also be suspicious if her boyfriend was actually going or who else was invited. His excuses don't add up - do they usually meet alone ? He might even be unhappy her boyfriend is going

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/10/2023 20:31

Freeme31 · 16/10/2023 20:25

Sorry OP but he does not want you there, id also be suspicious if her boyfriend was actually going or who else was invited. His excuses don't add up - do they usually meet alone ? He might even be unhappy her boyfriend is going

This

I would go with him

Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 20:44

Freeme31 · 16/10/2023 20:25

Sorry OP but he does not want you there, id also be suspicious if her boyfriend was actually going or who else was invited. His excuses don't add up - do they usually meet alone ? He might even be unhappy her boyfriend is going

There’s literally no reason why he’d lie and say her boyfriend is going if he isn’t. I was perfectly fine with just the two of them going by themselves. I’m only upset because apparently partners are invited but I haven’t been asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 22:02

He has apologised… and says he’s cancelled the dinner. Obviously there was a risk that I might insist I want to go, so the only way to prevent me going was to cancel it entirely.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 16/10/2023 22:05

He didn't want you there because he knows you wouldn't like the way he behaves around her and interacts with her. That's my guess. Hence preferring to cancel it rather than risk you coming along.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 16/10/2023 22:12

Nope nope, there is no bf going. It’s a fare date for them two, he doesn’t want you there.

Freeme31 · 16/10/2023 22:13

Im sorry OP but i think your being a little naive, your happy for your husband to dine alone with a woman you don't know - but the minute you want to go it's cancelled? There was a reason he didn't want you there - i hope we are all wrong but it's very suspicious behaviour you sound lovely snd trusting and expect the same from him - but im inclined to suggest gently thats not happening here

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 16/10/2023 22:17

He's cancelled the whole thing rather than just invite you?!

Fuck. That's well dodgy.

Cherrysoup · 16/10/2023 22:23

Bizarre behaviour and a litany of ‘reasons’ as to why you wouldn’t want to go. How odd.

TheShellBeach · 16/10/2023 22:26

I wouldn't like this one bit.
It sounds very dodgy to me.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2023 22:28

Piposy · 16/10/2023 19:39

He didn’t ask me because for whatever reason he doesn’t want me to go. The bottom line is, if he wanted me to go he’d have asked me, even if he thought I’d say no. I’m obviously not good enough to be allowed to interact with his friend.

'Not good enough' that's a tad dramatic, but perhaps not social enough or not fun enough or not polite enough for him to have the kind of evening he usually has with this pal ? (Not trying to be mean just trying to work out what it could be ) do you usually want to go home at 9? Or get bored when they talk about their mutual pals? Etc etc

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2023 22:30

Ps have you checked specially that there's no sexual or romantic history? An ex of mine left this detail out when talking about his good friend who he was just friends with for well over a
Year

ChickenNugget6 · 16/10/2023 22:30

Sorry but this behaviour is a big red flag for me. If my DH cancelled a meal with "friends" rather than having me around??? ... What on earth.

Fionaville · 16/10/2023 22:33

He's the one that is totally out of order. You were more gracious than most not complaining about him having dinner with an ex (I wouldn't be) So his behaviour is 100% wrong.
Edited to say, I misread as it was his ex rather than friend. Still think it was shitty of him!

theduchessofspork · 16/10/2023 22:35

It’s ok for your husband to want to see his friends without you.

i do see how you might like to be asked.. but the fact her boyfriend is coming doesn’t mean he has to ask you. It’s healthy to have time away from your partner.

Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 22:38

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2023 22:30

Ps have you checked specially that there's no sexual or romantic history? An ex of mine left this detail out when talking about his good friend who he was just friends with for well over a
Year

No history. We’d been together years before he made friends with her through work. But I never met her except for a brief chat when we attended her wedding (now divorced and lives with her new boyfriend).

OP posts:
Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 22:40

Sumtimesiamgreen · 16/10/2023 22:12

Nope nope, there is no bf going. It’s a fare date for them two, he doesn’t want you there.

I was perfectly happy for them to have dinner by themselves. I wasn’t bothered that there was no boyfriend going. So what possible reason would there be to say the boyfriend is going if he isn’t?

OP posts:
PinkMoscatoLover · 16/10/2023 23:00

Does your partner have to automatically mention you/invite you if his friends partner is coming along? Sometimes it’s nice to have a break from one another!

Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 23:05

PinkMoscatoLover · 16/10/2023 23:00

Does your partner have to automatically mention you/invite you if his friends partner is coming along? Sometimes it’s nice to have a break from one another!

If partners are attending then why would he not invite me? I can’t even remember the last time we went out together. He should be jumping at the chance to take me out, not excluding me. Not to mention that he’ll be a third wheel if he’s going out with a couple, it would be more normal to take me as a foursome.

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 16/10/2023 23:05

I think to be deeply hurt is a bit ott as I honestly think he probably just didn't think. Also I think you saying you are supposed her boyfriend is ok with it is a bit odd and almost hinting that it's not really ok.

Having said that I think him canceling the dinner is weird af. I have no idea why he would do that.

Have you had an issue with him seeing this friend in the past?