Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which of us is unreasonable?

96 replies

Piposy · 16/10/2023 19:30

My husband was invited out for dinner by a female friend he’s known for years. He checked with me that it was ok - I said it’s fine. Tonight he reminded me that I don’t need to cook tomorrow because he’s out. I remarked that I’m surprised the friend’s new boyfriend is ok with them going out for dinner together though. Apparently he’s fine with it because he’s going too!

It hasn’t even occurred to my husband to say “great, I’ll bring my wife too”. He claims he thought I wouldn’t want to come because I’m not the most social person. Which is true, but we have gone out for dinner with people and to other events like weddings many many times. It’s not like I never go out. Then he said I don’t like his friend - who I’ve never met apart from one occasion when she briefly said hello - I don’t see how I can dislike someone I’ve never really met or talked to. Then he said I don’t know her so why would I want to go - but her boyfriend doesn’t know my husband either and he’s still going. Then he said I’ve been poorly recently and I’m still recovering so he thought I wouldn’t want to go out - which also isn’t an excuse because I’ve been out with my mum, my husband and other friends, and I’ve specifically said I’m trying to pull myself together and get out a bit in order to help my recovery. It’s not because of childcare either, because a grandparent would happily babysit, and it’s not because we can’t afford it.

Regardless of all those reasons, he could still have asked me and I could have said no if I didn’t want to go. That should be MY decision, not a decision he makes for me. I was fine with it when it was just two of them having dinner, but if partners are going then I’m incredibly hurt and upset at being excluded.

He insists I’m the one in the wrong and I’m being ridiculous, he just didn’t invite me because he thought I wouldn’t want to go. But I’m deeply hurt. Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 16/10/2023 23:08

Piposy · 16/10/2023 19:39

He didn’t ask me because for whatever reason he doesn’t want me to go. The bottom line is, if he wanted me to go he’d have asked me, even if he thought I’d say no. I’m obviously not good enough to be allowed to interact with his friend.

Yep, I agree that he doesn't seem to want you to go...

Tortugaa · 16/10/2023 23:12

Screams cheating to me.

PinkMoscatoLover · 16/10/2023 23:15

Piposy · 16/10/2023 23:05

If partners are attending then why would he not invite me? I can’t even remember the last time we went out together. He should be jumping at the chance to take me out, not excluding me. Not to mention that he’ll be a third wheel if he’s going out with a couple, it would be more normal to take me as a foursome.

Show quote history

He already said he thought you didn’t want to go and gave you the reasons why he thought that. It was wrong for him to make the assumption as he still could have asked however I still don’t see what’s wrong with him just going by himself?

If there were 4 couples and he was the only one there then I’d think it was odd. But it sounds like it was originally meant to be himself and his friend and then he found out she was bringing her boyfriend. It sounds like he had more of a ‘okay cool’ reaction as opposed to ‘I’ll bring my wife too’ which is what you would have wanted. Just seems like miscommunication.

No clue why he’s cancelled the dinner now though. Just seems like he’s cutting off his nose to spite his face

Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 23:16

Have you had an issue with him seeing this friend in the past?
No, never.

Also I think you saying you are supposed her boyfriend is ok with it is a bit odd
It’s a reasonable comment considering he’s mentioned before that her boyfriend is a bit possessive. Which is obviously why he’s been invited along. What I don’t understand is why he didn’t immediately invite me too. Going out with a friend is fine, but as soon as she says she’s bringing her partner surely you would also bring your partner to avoid being a third wheel?

OP posts:
Commencethedancing · 16/10/2023 23:21

I’m surprised that he didn’t invite you while you were having this conversation op, once he knew were upset about it I mean. There’d be nothing stopping you joining them at the last minute after all.

Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 23:21

however I still don’t see what’s wrong with him just going by himself?
If he’s just going out with his friend then that’s fine. But if partners are invited then he should have invited me. Why would you not invite your wife to a dinner where partners are going?

OP posts:
PinkMoscatoLover · 16/10/2023 23:30

Piposy · 16/10/2023 23:21

however I still don’t see what’s wrong with him just going by himself?
If he’s just going out with his friend then that’s fine. But if partners are invited then he should have invited me. Why would you not invite your wife to a dinner where partners are going?

Maybe because it’d be nice to have time apart? I don’t know, I’m not him. I’m adding my two pence to say that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with partners having a break from one another.

You’re obviously upset about the situation. I think it’s better to find out why he cancelled the whole meal instead of just inviting you along once he realised you were upset. It was an assumption/lack of communication at first, he had a chance to fix it and he didn’t

Mistressofnone · 16/10/2023 23:41

Sounds like he just didn't think until you flagged it. I wonder if it was originally the two of them and she later asked if her bf could come. When he threw the bf part in conversation with you, instead of saying 'oh yes sorry I totally didn't think - why not join us', he panicked and talked himself into a hole.

Original poster
Piposy · 16/10/2023 23:45

Maybe because it’d be nice to have time apart?
We have plenty of time apart. He’s out at work till 7pm every day. He has hobbies. I have hobbies. In the last fortnight he’s had four evenings out by himself and he’ll have two more this week. So I don’t think he needs another night out by himself. If partners are going then I should have been invited.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 16/10/2023 23:54

I'd say either both partners should be invited, or neither and they just go together. Unless there is a back story and you and the friend don't get on (which you say isn't the case). Weird.

PinkMoscatoLover · 16/10/2023 23:57

Mistressofnone · 16/10/2023 23:41

Sounds like he just didn't think until you flagged it. I wonder if it was originally the two of them and she later asked if her bf could come. When he threw the bf part in conversation with you, instead of saying 'oh yes sorry I totally didn't think - why not join us', he panicked and talked himself into a hole.

Exactly this, I agree

Original poster
Piposy · 17/10/2023 00:12

Mistressofnone · 16/10/2023 23:41

Sounds like he just didn't think until you flagged it. I wonder if it was originally the two of them and she later asked if her bf could come. When he threw the bf part in conversation with you, instead of saying 'oh yes sorry I totally didn't think - why not join us', he panicked and talked himself into a hole.

That’s what happened. They were going to have dinner, I presume her boyfriend felt uncomfortable about it so she invited him to come too, but my husband didn’t invite me. When I found out her boyfriend was going I got upset because I hadn’t been invited too.

My husband has opportunities to go out all the time, he was out for a meal just last week. I never get the opportunity to go out, and when an opportunity does finally arise I’m not invited. And it’s my own husband who’s excluded me.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/10/2023 00:13

He put a lot of effort into making excuses why you shouldn't go.

I certainly wouldn't be impressed either.

I'm not sure if it's anything sinister, but it certainly wasn't very nice or kind.

I can appreciate your hurt.

The cancelling is very odd.

He definitely doesn't want you going.

The question is why?

PaminaMozart · 17/10/2023 00:16

When someone gives a whole list of excuses reasons why something isn't possible/a good idea, there's quite often something fishy going on....

Gymnopedie · 17/10/2023 00:30

What gives him away is that absolute laundry list of reasons excuses as to why he didn't invite you.

I wonder if his friend invited her bf not because he's possessive (who's told you he's possessive I wonder - throwing you off the scent?) but because she suspects what your DH might try if she's on her own?

I know there are a lot of ifs and buts in the above, but something is off about it all.

Gothambutnotahamster · 17/10/2023 00:35

sprigatito · 16/10/2023 22:05

He didn't want you there because he knows you wouldn't like the way he behaves around her and interacts with her. That's my guess. Hence preferring to cancel it rather than risk you coming along.

I agree with this. Sorry Op.

WastingTimeOnTheInternet · 17/10/2023 00:45

The dinner part is not the strange part for me - how has your partner had a friend for so long and you’ve only met her briefly and said ‘hi’. How often does he meet with her? Why does he keep you apart? It sounds like he has kept you away from her much longer than just the dinner. Has he ever given a reason for that?

Original poster
Piposy · 17/10/2023 00:45

He’s now retracted his apology and insists he’s done nothing wrong. Because apparently it’s fine to not invite your partner when other people are taking theirs. I can deal with being excluded by other people - it happens to me frequently - but it’s deeply hurtful to be excluded by my own husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piposy · 17/10/2023 00:52

WastingTimeOnTheInternet · 17/10/2023 00:45

The dinner part is not the strange part for me - how has your partner had a friend for so long and you’ve only met her briefly and said ‘hi’. How often does he meet with her? Why does he keep you apart? It sounds like he has kept you away from her much longer than just the dinner. Has he ever given a reason for that?

Work colleague. They’ve gone on business trips and work nights out for a number of years. I never met her because obviously I don’t go on his business trips or work nights out. I met her briefly when we attended her wedding a few years ago. She recently left for a new job, this is the first time he’s arranged to catch up with her outside of work. Which is fine. But if she’s taking her boyfriend then my husband should be taking me.

OP posts:
PinkMoscatoLover · 17/10/2023 01:00

Piposy · 17/10/2023 00:45

He’s now retracted his apology and insists he’s done nothing wrong. Because apparently it’s fine to not invite your partner when other people are taking theirs. I can deal with being excluded by other people - it happens to me frequently - but it’s deeply hurtful to be excluded by my own husband.

You really do just have different viewpoints on this. I agree with him that it’s fine to not take your partner along even when others are bringing there’s. However as your husband I’m sure he should know that you’d most likely want to come along too.

I think this just comes down to personal differences as opposed to him trying to hurt you. Still weird he cancelled the dinner though

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/10/2023 01:04

You sound like you're carrying a lot of pain and hurt around rejection OP. You're conveying the feeling that you're constantly rejected and unwanted, does that feel like it happens to you a lot? I'm so sorry that you're feeling so hurt.

Hadalifeonce · 17/10/2023 01:17

I agree with you OP, as soon as he found out boyfriend was coming he should have said he would ask you if you wanted to join them. Not give you some garbled rubbish about why you don't want to go, then cancel the whole thing.

QueenBitch666 · 17/10/2023 02:15

🚩

autumnpleasestay · 17/10/2023 03:15

I'd find this hurtful, and I'm definitely the type who wouldn't want to go to the dinner. He should still have asked.

The list of excuses would worry me. It sounds too much like someone desperate to hide something. They keep throwing things at the problem, hoping that something will stick, but all they accomplish is making themselves sound very guilty. Then to just cancel the evening rather than belatedly inviting you along? That's strange, and yes, I'd wonder if he was either hiding something or ashamed to have his friend meet me for some reason.

The apology followed by backtracking is shabby of him, as well. If he didn't think he did anything wrong, he shouldn't have pretended to apologise.

JMSA · 17/10/2023 03:20

I'm not saying he's right to feel this way, but it seems to me that he wanted a relaxed night where he could keep home and pleasure separate.

Swipe left for the next trending thread