Which of us is unreasonable?

[Piposy]

My husband was invited out for dinner by a female friend he’s known for years. He checked with me that it was ok - I said it’s fine. Tonight he reminded me that I don’t need to cook tomorrow because he’s out. I remarked that I’m surprised the friend’s new boyfriend is ok with them going out for dinner together though. Apparently he’s fine with it because he’s going too!

It hasn’t even occurred to my husband to say “great, I’ll bring my wife too”. He claims he thought I wouldn’t want to come because I’m not the most social person. Which is true, but we have gone out for dinner with people and to other events like weddings many many times. It’s not like I never go out. Then he said I don’t like his friend - who I’ve never met apart from one occasion when she briefly said hello - I don’t see how I can dislike someone I’ve never really met or talked to. Then he said I don’t know her so why would I want to go - but her boyfriend doesn’t know my husband either and he’s still going. Then he said I’ve been poorly recently and I’m still recovering so he thought I wouldn’t want to go out - which also isn’t an excuse because I’ve been out with my mum, my husband and other friends, and I’ve specifically said I’m trying to pull myself together and get out a bit in order to help my recovery. It’s not because of childcare either, because a grandparent would happily babysit, and it’s not because we can’t afford it.

Regardless of all those reasons, he could still have asked me and I could have said no if I didn’t want to go. That should be MY decision, not a decision he makes for me. I was fine with it when it was just two of them having dinner, but if partners are going then I’m incredibly hurt and upset at being excluded.

He insists I’m the one in the wrong and I’m being ridiculous, he just didn’t invite me because he thought I wouldn’t want to go. But I’m deeply hurt. Who is being unreasonable here?

@10HailMarys makes a good point - he understands that his friend's BF is possessive and shoehorned himself into the occasion (probably thinking "at least I don't have that sort of problem with @Piposy"). When you became so upset that you weren't invited he cancelled.

The alternative, I fear, is that as another PP suggested, there's something about you or your behaviour that he thinks isn't a good fit. What made him think you disliked his friend after the one occasion where you met her?

What made him think you disliked his friend after the one occasion where you met her?
No idea. We exchanged brief pleasantries on her wedding day before she was whisked off for photos. We’ve never had an actual conversation. I suspect he doesn’t actually think I dislike her and was just making excuses for not inviting me.

Personally I don’t see the difference between meeting up with a male/female friend. And I can’t be bothered going around worrying or being jealous. You either trust your partner or you dump them. I’m more upset about being excluded and wondering why I’m not good enough to be invited when the occasion is clearly open to partners attending.

I'm the same, as I posted above. I'd be fine about my DH seeing his old uni friends or people he has known forever but I would not be ok with him making a new female friend at work and deciding to go out to dinner and spending time socially with them one on one. It's asking for trouble.

My thinking too!!

Sorry OP but he does not want you there, id also be suspicious if her boyfriend was actually going or who else was invited
I don’t know what motivation he would have for saying the boyfriend was going if he wasn’t 🤷‍♀️ Until he said that I was perfectly happy for them to hang out by themselves. It wasn’t till the boyfriend was mentioned that I said “well if he’s going why wasn’t I invited too?”

Has he given an actual reason why he cancelled though.? It seems like a massive overreaction to me. Is he prone to throwing his toys out of the pram when he can't get out of a situation?

Does he have form for sketchy behaviour?

Have you actually told him that you’d like to go? Or suggested you go out to dinner together instead one evening?

“I’d love to join you if partners are invited” comes over rather different than “why didn’t you invite me?”. it sounds like you would quite like to have the excuse to go out.

No I didn’t politely say “I’d love to join you if partners are invited”. Because it’s been booked for weeks and I only found out by accident at the last minute that partners were going. So I got annoyed and said “Why wasn’t I invited if partners are going”?

To which he said “Partners aren’t going, it’s not like it’s an event where everyone’s partner is going, it’s just one person’s partner”. Yes - the only other person who is going is taking her partner! Of course that means “partners are going”! More excuses, trying to justify why it was acceptable to not invite me.

And no, I didn’t suggest we should go out for dinner together instead. I told him it’s bizarre to exclude me when the other person is taking their partner, and I was never going anywhere with him ever again because I clearly wasn’t wanted, so he can fuck off.

If the boyfriend is 'a bit controlling', it sounds as though he's invited himself along and your OH has cancelled because the whole thing was just getting increasingly awkward: presumably initially it was just a quiet dinner with a friend and now it's turned into some kind of relationship power play.

I have friends - male and female - with whom I'll meet up without my OH, even if their partner is there: not because my OH isn't lovely or that my friends aren't lovely, but they are, in some instances, just very different people and as a PP mentioned, it changes the dynamic somewhat. The same applies the other way around and neither of us take offence.

However, I think you do sound a little bit lonely and 'needy' (not in a bad way - more that you've had a rough few months and need a bit of attention!) and you should talk to your husband about this and spend a bit more quality time together.

Take the GPs up on the offer of babysitting and have yourselves a nice night out!

I don’t think there’s anything dodgy going on between him and the friend. I mean this gently, but perhaps she is his only friend he can talk to about you? So perhaps he’s talked to her about any problems you’ve been having, or he’s had a rant to her about you about something, and he doesn’t want you there because it will make him feel uncomfortable in case she says anything she shouldn’t in front of you. The boyfriend going or not going is irrelevant.

If it helps, and it probably won’t but, I have a friend I met through work over 10 years ago and we meet up and message each other a lot. We’re both married, know each others partners, but have never got together or gone out all four of us and there’s definitely nothing going on. It’s just how our friendship is. So it isn’t a rarity and doesn’t always mean that something dodgy is going on.

Do you actually want to go though? Or are you just aggrieved that you're not invited?
I think deeply hurt is quite far. I'd be a bit miffed but honestly, it's good to have separate friends sometimes and not be in each others pockets.

Both of you are unreasonable. I think if there was anything going on between him and this woman, he would not be stupid enough to outright tell you who he was spending time with a woman.

Sorry OP it’s more likely to be about how you come across in social situations. I’ve seen very similar behaviour, where one partner invites themself and the other cancels rather than be honest about why they don’t want their partner to come.

The most bizarre bit is that you asked why you weren't invited and he didn't say "sorry, come if you want". The next most bizarre bit is him cancelling.

Does he have an extra girlfriend he was taking along? Are you sure he was even meeting this particular friend?

I’d wonder if he’s maybe told her things about you that he’s worried might come up in conversation if you were there - for example that you hadn’t been getting on; maybe he’d said you’d separated at some point; that you’re in a marriage of convenience for the children, etc. To offer up so many excuses and then cancel rather than just invite you along makes it seem like he’s hiding something

Because you're not.

People who are absolutely fine with it, don't, the night before the dinner, go and say 'I'm surprised their partner is OK with them going to dinner with you alone'.

You know what you said. He knows exactly what you said. He realised your spidey senses were tingling. What else was he supposed to say to that? I can think of literally no answer to this, because I wouldn't know why their partner wouldn't be ok with them coming to dinner with a friend.

Her partner absolutely wasn't going, sorry. He's gone to quite some serious length to avoid this, to the point he's cancelled it. There's no other logical reason for this. Read the writing on the wall OP, and pull your head out of the sand.

This is a reach and unkind, you know too little about this poster, and even less so about her partner, to make such assumptions.

He is cheating on you op, he over egged the pudding and then panicked you were on to him and ballsed it up by cancelling the "dinner."

I don't invite my DP to every outing with my friends, because he tends to dominate the conversation (he means well, he just wants them to like him so gets carried away). Could it be something like that?
Or he could just be a thoughtless bloke and it didn't occur to him, and now he's floundering for an excuse.

I agree with this, when someone gives that many excuses something is going on. Sorry but I wouldn’t trust this “friendship” and they likely have some sort of connection, the cancelling is weird, rather than say sorry I didn’t mean to exclude you please come along.

He really doesn't want you there !

I would wonder what he has told his ex colleague about you? Maybe he has suggested things that aren't true?