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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which of us is unreasonable?

96 replies

Piposy · 16/10/2023 19:30

My husband was invited out for dinner by a female friend he’s known for years. He checked with me that it was ok - I said it’s fine. Tonight he reminded me that I don’t need to cook tomorrow because he’s out. I remarked that I’m surprised the friend’s new boyfriend is ok with them going out for dinner together though. Apparently he’s fine with it because he’s going too!

It hasn’t even occurred to my husband to say “great, I’ll bring my wife too”. He claims he thought I wouldn’t want to come because I’m not the most social person. Which is true, but we have gone out for dinner with people and to other events like weddings many many times. It’s not like I never go out. Then he said I don’t like his friend - who I’ve never met apart from one occasion when she briefly said hello - I don’t see how I can dislike someone I’ve never really met or talked to. Then he said I don’t know her so why would I want to go - but her boyfriend doesn’t know my husband either and he’s still going. Then he said I’ve been poorly recently and I’m still recovering so he thought I wouldn’t want to go out - which also isn’t an excuse because I’ve been out with my mum, my husband and other friends, and I’ve specifically said I’m trying to pull myself together and get out a bit in order to help my recovery. It’s not because of childcare either, because a grandparent would happily babysit, and it’s not because we can’t afford it.

Regardless of all those reasons, he could still have asked me and I could have said no if I didn’t want to go. That should be MY decision, not a decision he makes for me. I was fine with it when it was just two of them having dinner, but if partners are going then I’m incredibly hurt and upset at being excluded.

He insists I’m the one in the wrong and I’m being ridiculous, he just didn’t invite me because he thought I wouldn’t want to go. But I’m deeply hurt. Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
JMSA · 17/10/2023 03:24

I do suspect there are other issues at play here though. You've already said you can't remember the last time you and your husband were out together. If there are babysitters on tap, why?

ParisHi1ton · 17/10/2023 05:05

Would he being ok with you seeing his texts exchanges with her arranging and cancelling this dinner?

I have to say, something seems a bit off about this situation.

My husband had a female work colleague that he'd meet for dinner sometimes but when her husband was available to join them, I would be asked too, that does seem the more usual scenario.

WandaWonder · 17/10/2023 05:15

If I went out with book friends I would want to spend the evening talking about books or whatever we wanted to talk about I would not want to have my husband there to have to make sure he was included in a topic he is not interested in, same if he goes with people who love talking about sport, I have no interest and would rather be doing my own thing

So to me it depends really

ohdamnitjanet · 17/10/2023 05:35

@Piposy I disagree with the posters who think there’s there’s anything going on with her. But for whatever reason he wants to keep this friendship separate from you and if you had gone to this dinner it would set a precedent for you to continue meeting her when he did. He obviously enjoys seeing her alone and put his foot in it telling you about the bf, potentially opening the door to you getting to know her better. I’m with you, I’d also be very upset and he’s being a massive gaslighting twat pretending not to understand why you’re unhappy.

anareen · 17/10/2023 05:42

He is absolutely wrong. I would feel he doesn't want you to go for a reason. I would question if the other partner is really going or if that is a lie since it seems his story has switched a few times

user1492757084 · 17/10/2023 05:44

I would feel slighted.
I'd be miffed that the inclusion of the new boyfriend didn't jog DH into thinking that it could be nice for you both to meet new boyfriend.
I would not call him wrong but I would say I was hurt.

Saying that, alone, should remind him to immediately include you and ask if you'd like to go along. I don't understand why he just did not extend an invitation after you felt hurt.

There is no need for him to get defensive at all. You ARE hurt, that is not in dispute, thus, he should invite you.

angsanana · 17/10/2023 06:10

Piposy · 16/10/2023 23:21

however I still don’t see what’s wrong with him just going by himself?
If he’s just going out with his friend then that’s fine. But if partners are invited then he should have invited me. Why would you not invite your wife to a dinner where partners are going?

You sound like you're very high maintenance OP. You're only the main character in your own story... he probably cancelled because he felt it wasn't worth the aggro.

Basilton · 17/10/2023 06:29

I think your first post was a bit over the top, it was a little thoughtless, possibly rude but definitely not deeply hurtful.

The subsequent cancelling of the meal is a bit odd though and I can’t work out whether it is pure petulance or something a bit more dodgy.

Codlingmoths · 17/10/2023 06:39

If you have to think of 5 different reasons why someone isn’t invited and they are ALL crappy then you just didn’t want to invite them. Pretty obvious, I’m sorry op.

ittakes2 · 17/10/2023 06:48

Is your hubby from a different country? My husband and I are from different English speaking countries - he also has the view of partners to be invited always - in my country that’s not a given. The scenario you described would not have bothered me ie his friend and her boyfriend but not you. Except it’s weird your hubby cancelled.

ConnieTucker · 17/10/2023 06:49

Codlingmoths · 17/10/2023 06:39

If you have to think of 5 different reasons why someone isn’t invited and they are ALL crappy then you just didn’t want to invite them. Pretty obvious, I’m sorry op.

This.

I do suspect there are other issues at play here though. You've already said you can't remember the last time you and your husband were out together. If there are babysitters on tap, why?

and this.

his behaviour is odd. Why cancel? Id assume he has been calling you in some way and doesnt want to get caught out

SaracensMavericks · 17/10/2023 07:02

I agree with you OP. I'd be upset my husband hadn't invited me along (as partners are going), and it seems very weird to cancel the whole thing rather than just add you to the booking.

Also from your later posts it sounds like he is out a LOT without you. I have no problem with my DH socialising without me, but I wouldn't like it if he was out all the time and I never was, and we rarely went out just the two of us. Is this an indication of a deeper problem?

Original poster
Piposy · 17/10/2023 07:26

Also from your later posts it sounds like he is out a LOT without you. I have no problem with my DH socialising without me, but I wouldn't like it if he was out all the time and I never was, and we rarely went out just the two of us. Is this an indication of a deeper problem?
He goes out 1-3 times a week for hobbies. In general I don’t have a problem with this. I don’t have the opportunity to go out that often. I do have a hobby but I’m only out once every 2-4 weeks.

I very rarely have the opportunity to go “out” out. He gets quite a few opportunities to go out (more than I do anyway), but it’s usually with work so obviously I can’t go. And it appears that when he does go out and have the option to invite me, he chooses not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piposy · 17/10/2023 07:28

WandaWonder · 17/10/2023 05:15

If I went out with book friends I would want to spend the evening talking about books or whatever we wanted to talk about I would not want to have my husband there to have to make sure he was included in a topic he is not interested in, same if he goes with people who love talking about sport, I have no interest and would rather be doing my own thing

So to me it depends really

Fair enough if it was just the two of them. But that’s not the case because her boyfriend will be there.

OP posts:
Twofortheroad · 17/10/2023 07:35

I can see it from both sides.

Dynamics are different when different people are present.

I can understand why you’re hacked off and would definitely feel a bit narked too if that was me - but objectively I don’t think your dh has done anything wrong.

it sounds like there might be some general imbalance about how happy you are about the amount of his life is spent without you? I’m a home bird and like my own space so would be glad for the evening to myself but if I felt like my social life was lacking in general whilst his was full l, that would add to feeling upset about this.

YellowRibbon710 · 17/10/2023 08:06

sprigatito · 16/10/2023 22:05

He didn't want you there because he knows you wouldn't like the way he behaves around her and interacts with her. That's my guess. Hence preferring to cancel it rather than risk you coming along.

This is my view too. He doesn't want you and the friend to get to know each other too well. Maybe he is slightly embarrassed to show any affection to you in front of her.

Either way, it's deeply suspicious. I'm sorry

Original poster
Piposy · 17/10/2023 08:21

JMSA · 17/10/2023 03:24

I do suspect there are other issues at play here though. You've already said you can't remember the last time you and your husband were out together. If there are babysitters on tap, why?

A number of reasons. Firstly I don’t like to put upon elderly grandparents too often. Secondly I’ve been unwell for the past couple of months although I’m on the mend now. Thirdly we don’t have the money to go out for no particular reason (we could afford it if we were invited somewhere but not on a regular basis).

OP posts:
Unicorn2022 · 17/10/2023 09:02

OP I don't think the boyfriend was ever going to the meal. You said the woman is someone he met through work a few years ago and they go on trips and dinners together. There is no way I would be happy with this. I am fine with my DH meeting up with his uni friends or people we have known for ages, but there is absolutely no way I would be happy with him meeting a woman at work and becoming friends and going out for meals in the evening. You have called him out and he's thrown his toys out of the pram, so I would be very suspicious about this.

10HailMarys · 17/10/2023 09:27

Piposy · 16/10/2023 23:16

Have you had an issue with him seeing this friend in the past?
No, never.

Also I think you saying you are supposed her boyfriend is ok with it is a bit odd
It’s a reasonable comment considering he’s mentioned before that her boyfriend is a bit possessive. Which is obviously why he’s been invited along. What I don’t understand is why he didn’t immediately invite me too. Going out with a friend is fine, but as soon as she says she’s bringing her partner surely you would also bring your partner to avoid being a third wheel?

If her boyfriend was only going because he’s ‘possessive’ (ie controlling/abusive) then in your position I would absolutely not want/expect to be invited. It wasn’t a cosy double date. It was a woman not being able to see her male friend without her awful partner coming along. I wouldn’t want to be the female counterpart to some controlling arsehole.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 17/10/2023 09:36

Initially I thought it sounded like a miscommunication. You're happy for him to go out for dinner with her, it's happened before, you've never wanted to go, so he has followed as normal, the fact her boyfriend is going probably hasn't even occurred to him as being an issue.
Cancelling the 'date' however feels weird. Why? All I can think about is that maybe your reaction has been so OTT in his mind, he's concerned that you might turn up /make a scene / make him or them uncomfortable if you turned up or were invited.

ElleLeopine · 17/10/2023 09:44

I suspect that the issue was you and the partner chatting and revealing how long they have known each other and how often they meet.

You may not have a problem with it, but he obviously does. And whether there is a good reason for that or not is anyone's guess.

Original poster
Piposy · 17/10/2023 09:49

You're happy for him to go out for dinner with her, it's happened before, you've never wanted to go
It’s not that I’ve never wanted to go. If they’ve had a meal in the past it’s been because they were having lunch at work or were away on an overnight business trip. So for obvious reasons I couldn’t go. This is the first time I could actually have gone. Still, I was happy for him to see his friend by himself. But if her partner is invited, that changes things - in that case I should also have been invited.

OP posts:
BetterPlease · 17/10/2023 10:43

The boyfriend being mentioned as also coming along… it may be that he added this to lay it on thick the dinner would be all innocence and totally above board because of boyfriend being there… when you then made noises about coming, he had to cancel because the boyfriend was never going to be there.

THAT is why he may have had reason to, bring boyfriend into it, and it backfired.

I agree, it’s very fishy.

After what has happened now, with your ears perking up… I wouldn’t be surprised if you no longer hear about meet ups with this woman, it will be easier for him to say he’s out with a male colleague or someone else innocuous… or a new “hobby” will begin, one maybe he goes to only rarely and is otherwise elsewhere.

You are being blinded by your focus on your wounds of rejection and not seeing the situation from any other angles.

anareen · 17/10/2023 11:16

BetterPlease · 17/10/2023 10:43

The boyfriend being mentioned as also coming along… it may be that he added this to lay it on thick the dinner would be all innocence and totally above board because of boyfriend being there… when you then made noises about coming, he had to cancel because the boyfriend was never going to be there.

THAT is why he may have had reason to, bring boyfriend into it, and it backfired.

I agree, it’s very fishy.

After what has happened now, with your ears perking up… I wouldn’t be surprised if you no longer hear about meet ups with this woman, it will be easier for him to say he’s out with a male colleague or someone else innocuous… or a new “hobby” will begin, one maybe he goes to only rarely and is otherwise elsewhere.

You are being blinded by your focus on your wounds of rejection and not seeing the situation from any other angles.

Edited

This! 👆

TheShellBeach · 17/10/2023 11:17

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't like my DH going out for dinner with another woman. I know Mumsnet thinks it's fine and dandy, but I personally think it's strange.

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