To think most friendships are just situational

[Corsadrive]

I’ve stayed in the same area my entire life, left school 20 years ago never went to uni, been a SAHM a lot of that time and worked very much part time for most of the rest. I’ve not really ‘lost’ friends over the years as I’ve always just had a few mates from school who I stayed friends with and then a few people I met through the school when my own DC were in primary. However, my DC are now 25, 23 and 17 respectively and all three have had a very different experience to me (the two eldest have moved away to uni and now graduated and the youngest still has a year of college left) and therefore have all moved between part time jobs, school to college to Uni, then to grad jobs etc. I was talking to them last night (full house for the weekend) and they all agreed that most friendship’s aren’t real and just ‘situational’ in the sense they only last whilst two people are in the same situation eg two colleagues can superficially be close but as soon as one leaves the job they drift. Anecdotally, my own DC who aren’t that old only still talk to about 2 or 3 people each from their secondary school friendship groups. Aibu to feel sad but agree with my DC that most friendships are situational?

My experience is that when you meet a group of people through a new stage of life, there will be one/two/maybe three you really click with and will keep in touch even after the time has passed… and the other 90% are perfectly nice but you wouldn’t bother keeping up if you didn’t see them day to day.

So broadly yes I agree with you

Yes I agree. There's only a few friends who stick around for life and they take effort to keep going from both sides.

I'm finding right now I got fed up of situational friendships after a mum friend dumped me when her child started a new school. She only has one long term friend and the rest are rapidly churned over. I don't want friends like that. I do wonder how she copes now her kids are both in secondary

Yep I think most are. But not all.

I have two friends who started out that way but who I stay in touch with and visit/see regularly, despite our lives being in very different places - literally and figuratively.

Yes this is definitely true and one of the reasons I think why DH and I are so family-orientated. We were both brought up like that too, my DF always used to tell me and my siblings as kids that friends come and go but family is forever and encouraged us to be kind and supportive of one another. Obviously that's simplistic and some family members can behave terribly (my DH's own parents for example, and one of my siblings, so it's not that we have no experience of that!). Likewise some friends can be long term and very close, again we have some of these. But in general terms I think he was/is right.

Having said that, I think situational friends certainly serve an important purpose and can be celebrated anyway. And looked back on fondly later down the line.

Most are, but not all. One of my dearest friends dates back to the start of secondary school but we've not lived in the same town since we were 17 (we're now 39).

I have two friends on the other side of the world now that I met in my 20s and while we're not 'speak every day' close we can just pick up where we left off after months, as thick as thieves.

On the other hand, there've been plenty of others who have come and go over the years. Sometimes a Facebook memory will pop up and it'll take me a second to place a name in the comments.

Arguably family are situational too as they are in your life as they just happen to be your mother / sister etc?!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with friendships being situational. It’s great to have people at a similar life stage helping each other out. I really value my local friends we supported each other through toddler years and doing same now they are teens.

Agreed.
I don't actively 'end' many friendships but I've also had situations where we both don't do much to stop them drifting away. The good times were good and the memories are there, but both of us have moved on (physically or in other ways).
I've never needed to be part of a large circle though.

I think situational friends certainly serve an important purpose and can be celebrated anyway. And looked back on fondly later down the line.

I agree with this 100%.

I used to feel so sad when my friendships faded whenever my situation changed. But I accept it now.

I think, if you want long term friendships (I mean ten years plus) then you have to try hard to maintain a static situation. For example, stay in the same job for many years. Or live in a small village where people know each other for multiple generations. You also have to be prepared to get close to people out of proximity rather than having things in common (like neighbours).

Those options just don't work for me. So I'm resigned that my friendships will come and go, I can still enjoy them while they last. At least I have my husband, and my husband's friends have been quite static.

I think if you make an effort people can be friends for life. I would agree more that work colleagues are more friends of situation. Unless you really have things in common, like age and interests. I have my friendship group from school and university still now over 10 years later. Even though I now live miles away from them. We keep in touch and spend time together whenever we can.

I agree op. Have found that too. I did catch up with a school mam last week met through the kids. But think yes people move on. My husbands group the same its fizzled out. Nobody wants keep in touch now. These were long friendships too

I think work friends are a thing in themselves as you’re meeting people where one of the biggest (sometimes only) things you have in common with them is the work, the workplace and what’s going on at work. So you always have lots to talk about.
But sometimes one or two might become life friends.

Yes, I think so. But I don't know how it would work if not. I couldn't have stayed friends with everyone I have had a passing friendship with over the years. Not enough time to nurture each one!

My closest friends now are mums I met at the school gate 15 years ago. But I stay in contact and meet up with a primary school friend, a secondary school friend and an ex-nextdoor neighbour. There are others I message and exchange letters and cards with but don't meet with.

My mum is almost seventy is still close friends with people she went to college with. On the other hand, I'm only 34 and don't speak to anyone from my previous job, let alone anyone from school or university

I agree, I have one childhood friend, one highschool friend and one "baby group friend" that I keep in touch with regularly and would say are more long term friendships. The others have fine and gone depending on my situation at the time. It used to make me a bit sad but I think it's normal.

I'm never someone who has had big friendship groups though, I like to have a few close friends who it feels effortless with and that suits me.

I get on very well with my current workmates but if I changed jobs there's only one who I can see me keeping in touch with long term, I think the rest would drift away. That's ok with me though, I enjoy their company for now and that's what matters.

I think this is true. A few people might be more than that but most friendships change when your own life changes significantly in one way or other, or your lives take different paths.

I agree that most friends are a backdrop to a particular time in our lives, but a few stay the duration because you really click with them / went through some kind of bonding experience (good or bad) / share the same values and outlook etc

I have one friend from secondary school that I am still in contact with now, but my closest friend is my sister without doubt. I still do have some school Mum friends who I have known upwards of 20 years now and we have periods of radio silence and then a get together / go away together.

This is true, I guess the difference is that the 'situational' aspect of family doesn't tend to change. Generally, your mother is always your mother, your sibling is always your sibling and so on! Friendship is based on the relationship you actually have with someone whereas the label of family member isn't. I guess this is also cultural/societal/anthropological too that encourages us to prioritise these family bonds even where distance etc is in place, it's part of the social contract really that families care for each other over generations (so caring for small children and elderly relatives), the generational aspects of family life support that whereas friends tend to be roughly similar age to each other so doesnt have that aspect of it so much. Appreciate caring is generally left to women in particular though and that again it's generally women that maintain and foster family relationships most within families. Interesting discussion though isn't it and as people move around a lot I think a lot of families aren't so close anymore and younger generations in particular in general seem less invested in family life and reciprocal relations with family members. Although our ageing population again has changed the realities of family life as there are now much more elderly relatives that need care and support and comparatively less and less younger people in families to do that given birth rate decreasing too etc.

But that's all on a tangent I suppose! Fully agree with you that situational friendships are still great, valuable and important and can bring lots of joy and assistance to people.

I think it's a combination for me.
I have several deep friendships that have lasted decades at this stage

I've known my closest friend 42 years now. Since we were 10. We're family in so many ways to each other.
I have other friends where l don't physically see them v often due to geographical distance but we love each other deeply & when we do meet its like no time has gone by at all. We met at a formative stage in our lives in our v early 20s & now we're in our 50s.

However I've also had very enjoyable transitory friends which were absolutely formed at a shared stage of life - when dc were tiny we knew lots of neighbours / school parents with kids the same age. Now kids are late teens & these are peope I'll have a little chat with in the supermarket if we bump into each other but we're no longer calling to each others houses for playmates & coffee.

I feel incredibly lucky to have as many amazing people on my life as I do. I am a connector & I maintain friendships as I really value them. I think also I work in a creative sector which is entirely based on exchange of ideas & deep discussions & this also helps as it is the main way I connect with people.

I don't disagree but thinking about this, how does that "one" friendship most of us have from school work? Almost everyone I can think of- myself included- has a best or close friend they met at school, normally secondary. Me and my BF have been close since we were first sat together in year 9 history. Our lives have taken different paths and we've done different things but she's been forever so far and I can't see that changing. So why has that lasted?

Yes I think so too. I've only got one close friend from 'way back' who is what I'd call a true friend (in that we both make an effort to stay connected and meet up).

I'm still 'friends' with people from years ago - but only superficially on social media. I've not seen or contacted them directly for many years. Although it would be great to see some of them obviously - logistically, we are never going to do it 🤷‍♀️

In my case I think it's because we all moved on...both in terms of geography and lifestyles.

Work friends for me have always been just that. People I get along with ok in the workplace. There's never been a cross over into my outside of work life.

I have hobby group friends too...and these have crossed over, but only for as long as we've shared the hobby.

Reading this back makes me feel sad at all those potential lifelong friends that I might have had...but lost along the way 😢

I am not close with really anyone I went to school with. I have one close friend who I still see regularly and we have been friends since we were 11, so around 20 years. We did go through a number of years (around 5) where we didn't speak at all though after a falling out, but we reconciled again.

I had a part time job when I was 17-21 which was over a decade ago. I am still in touch with 3 of those girls, and although we don't keep regular contact, we do meet up for big occasions, for drinks etc as well are all so busy with different jobs, relationships, children etc.

Other work friends, I have had really none. I don't have any "mummy friends" either as I have been a full time working mum since LO was 6 months old.

The older I get, I've preferred to keep my work life separate to my personal life, so friends I have made, I see them in work and the little time I have free is spent on family, hobbies and my friends outside of work.

I definitely have friends that there were there for a season as I moved around a lot in my twenties and thirties and lived abroad. I would have 2/3 really good friends in each place and others that I socialised with and when I left or they left we didn’t really see each other again so at from having the odd text or social media interaction. I think a large part of it does depend on where you are living at that moment in time - it’s harder to see people on a regular basis if we are all scattered around the world.

I did feel a bit of sadness about this initially but then realised it was just meant to be for the time we were on the same place. My friends now all live on the same city as me and are ones I’ve known before since I settled back on my home city.

Whilst I made one or two good friends at work in addition I don’t really socialise with the work crowd the way I used to years ago. Maybe it’s getting older and having different interests.

OP, you’re posting on Mn, which is inhabited by an unusually high proportion of timid, withdrawn, socially-awkward or actively misanthropic people who either can’t make or keep friends, or don’t want to, or believe that their misunderstanding of the term ‘introversion’ naturalises this. So you’re unlikely to get balanced replies.

I agree that some friendships are situational to a particular life stage, job or setting, and agree with a pp that this is fine — there’s nothing wrong with these passing relationships, and they can bring a lot of fun and good feeling which isn’t lessened by them not lasting an entire life.

But absolutely there are friendships that survive changes in geography, life stages, and circumstances. I’ve moved around the world a lot and am still close friends with people from my postgrad days or previous places we lived, or jobs from 20 years ago, whom I now only see if we get on a plane to see one another, but talk to often. DH is visiting one such couple from his own student days this weekend in France. I spent part of yesterday supporting a UK-based Israeli friend from an old job who is distraught about family who may have been kidnapped or killed. I haven’t seen her since I left the UK, but we’re very much still in touch. I’m going climbing next weekend with a friend who was our architect when we renovated our old house.

I think one of the differences is that moving so much means I look round for friends and put effort into making friends with people I like, and retaining the ones I want to keep in my life.

I don’t really use SM, other than Instagram as a sort of visual diary for art or strange things I’ve seen, so that’s not a factor.

I disagree totally. I have been in work/ study/housing "situationships" with thousands of people, over many decades, and out of all of those, have found a few good lasting, log term friendships each decade - I have become firm friends with less than 1% of the people I have been thrown together with, even though I got on fine with most of them

Yes, I think most friends are situational but not all.

I've lived in five areas in the UK - all a significant distance from each other (range 2.5 hour drive to 9 hour drive).

My closest three friends don't live anywhere near me - and haven't done for up to 34 years (I'm 50 now). Most of my friendships haven't survived the distance but looking back the deep connection was never there in the first place, even though with many I kept in contact with for years afterwards.

These three have set the bar very high for friendship for me. I've lived where I currently am the longest but all of these friendships feel situational to me - just the luck of the draw I think.