To think most friendships are just situational

[Corsadrive]

I’ve stayed in the same area my entire life, left school 20 years ago never went to uni, been a SAHM a lot of that time and worked very much part time for most of the rest. I’ve not really ‘lost’ friends over the years as I’ve always just had a few mates from school who I stayed friends with and then a few people I met through the school when my own DC were in primary. However, my DC are now 25, 23 and 17 respectively and all three have had a very different experience to me (the two eldest have moved away to uni and now graduated and the youngest still has a year of college left) and therefore have all moved between part time jobs, school to college to Uni, then to grad jobs etc. I was talking to them last night (full house for the weekend) and they all agreed that most friendship’s aren’t real and just ‘situational’ in the sense they only last whilst two people are in the same situation eg two colleagues can superficially be close but as soon as one leaves the job they drift. Anecdotally, my own DC who aren’t that old only still talk to about 2 or 3 people each from their secondary school friendship groups. Aibu to feel sad but agree with my DC that most friendships are situational?

I agree @Corsadrive As you said, most but not all. I have been friends with people for a short spell - 2 seasons, or 2 years, and sometimes longer, like 3 to 5 years... I have enjoyed it for a while, but most have not lasted.

Sometimes we simply just drifted apart after one of us moved out of the area, and a few times, they just drifted away from me, or I drifted away from them. I drifted away because I stopped feeling a connection with them anymore, and felt we didn't have a lot in common anymore. I have had several friends who started annoying me, by being too intense and clingy, (or they became rude and unkind,) I contacted them much less and hoped the friendship would fizzle out and come to a natural end. In the majority of cases it did, and the friend and I just lost contact.

In most of of the friendships, I believe they were done with the friendship too. (As they weren't bothered by me not bothering with them.) Only a couple have mithered and badgered me demanding to know why I have gone 'cold.'

I have had a couple of instances in the past when a friend has just stopped bothering with me. So obviously they were bored with me, or found I was too clingy or annoying. I don't know as they pretty much ghosted me. I don't know why as they never told me, but I have done it to people too, so I can't complain about it much really!

I do have 3 good friends in my life who I have known for a long time, and am still in contact with - one going back to when we were 5 or 6, one I have been friends with since we were in our early 20s, and the last one since we in our late 20s. (I am nearly 50 now.)

Like other posters though, I disagree about the friendships being real. They were at the time.

Agree sadly. As soon as a work colleague leaves, the stay in touch idea is meant at the time but then people often realise that the only thing that they had in common was their work! Also people come in and out of our lives at different times for different reasons. Its very much about logistics.

Yes and no.
Most people are quite lazy and will only chat to people they are seeing regularly. Huge out of sight out of mind.
Men are very different in my experience. Most of the guys I went to school with are in each other's lives a few decades later and all feature in each other's weddings etc.
My partner also still sees his school friends and is a lot older.
I also think we're the most laziest at keeping friends. All my grandparents lived hours away from their birth town and kept in regular contact with those they joined up/trained with and would often visit each other with their children and us grandchildren knew them too.
I travelled a lot when I was younger and still keep in touch and visit every couple of years. Lockdown really through everyone about with communication and I think I noticed a huge trend with long standing friendships because everyone wanted to life before they died so some forgot you whilst they dedicated their life to what made them happy and others wanted to see you more.
I'm just proud of everyone for trying to just struggle through tbh.

Its like the old saying 'friends are for a reason, a season, or for life.'
Rings true in so many ways.

My circle small prob 3. You get tired chasing people to meet. So I stopped that. I agree with another post what you can do for them. I dont know think people so busy now they dont commit to things. Its hard

This.

@YokoOnosBigHat I wish I knew. I got dumped by my best friend when we were nearly 12 - I don't blame her in retrospect, we were growing apart and I was probably being clingy - and I never found another real close one. I feel like I missed the opportunity! I have some very close online friends (they have kept in touch for well over a decade, sent me gifts when I had a baby, etc) but don't have someone local I feel properly relaxed with or would do things spontaneously with, although I have less-close friends I really like and enjoy seeing sometimes. But I wouldn't ask them round just to hang out (or expect them to invite me). They are probably partially situationships though if I moved, I'd keep up with them online too.

I am close to my sister, though we don't live near, so there's that.

@Mummy08m I think you have a point. My OH really mourned not living near all his old schoolfriends as they scattered after uni. He didn't want new ones; he wanted his old gang. He's an introvert. He now, after 20 years, has one good friend that he meets up with regularly, and I think that's enough for him (and probably the friend too).

I will happily talk or listen to anyone but struggle to get past "friendly acquaintance". I don't know if it's me or everyone else!