To think most friendships are just situational

[Corsadrive]

I’ve stayed in the same area my entire life, left school 20 years ago never went to uni, been a SAHM a lot of that time and worked very much part time for most of the rest. I’ve not really ‘lost’ friends over the years as I’ve always just had a few mates from school who I stayed friends with and then a few people I met through the school when my own DC were in primary. However, my DC are now 25, 23 and 17 respectively and all three have had a very different experience to me (the two eldest have moved away to uni and now graduated and the youngest still has a year of college left) and therefore have all moved between part time jobs, school to college to Uni, then to grad jobs etc. I was talking to them last night (full house for the weekend) and they all agreed that most friendship’s aren’t real and just ‘situational’ in the sense they only last whilst two people are in the same situation eg two colleagues can superficially be close but as soon as one leaves the job they drift. Anecdotally, my own DC who aren’t that old only still talk to about 2 or 3 people each from their secondary school friendship groups. Aibu to feel sad but agree with my DC that most friendships are situational?

Well, I’m a bit on the fence. It’s hard, in terms of time and practicalities (particularly when you have kids) to keep up with friendships when you move situation. That’s why they drift IMO.

Yes but I don’t think it’s sad - you can only have a few v close friends, but it will be dull if there weren’t lots of people moving through your life.

There is a saying that friends are with you for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I’d also say that some brief friendships can still have a long term impact on you.

People move around so much I think. But friendship is so important.

Respectfully, OP, a lot of Mners are just not very good at making or maintaining friendships, so it’s not really the place to come to get a variety of opinions on friendship types or duration.

I have a group of about 8 uni friends I still see fairly regular (graduated 12 years ago). I also have two school friends I'm close with - three/four friends from my first job, five from my second (was at each company for five years).

So yes, lots are situational, but usually there's one or two from each sphere of life that I keep long term. I like situational friends though - I have plenty of "real" friends too. And tbh I really value both types - they make life more fun!

Most friends come and go but a minority are around forever and are far more than situational. But you have to put the effort in and work at them.

If I think of attendees at my teen/adult birthdays/events over the past three decades 60% are acquaintances that I broadly stay in touch with, 20% are friends who are there decade after decade and 20% are colleagues/neighbours/parents of DC who might be around a year or two.

Yes and no. I left another European country four years ago and have kept up two friendships. I worried they wouldn't be bothered after I left but both have visited me/kept in touch and I do likewise a couple of times a year. We have hobbies, values and many shared memories in common.

I'm lucky enough to be able to travel and also work remotely so I can split my time to an extent between where I am now and my former country.

I've had plenty of situational friendships die out and am fine with it mostly. Others I wanted to keep in touch with but they saw our friendship as situational.

I'm facing a future (especially in old age) without any family at all (only child, probably too late to have children of my own as I am 36) so I really hope I can develop some close friendships, but threads like this make me doubtful.

I am terrified of being all alone in my older years.

I am late 60s and best friend is from first year secondary. Friendship has lasted through men, good times and bad and eventual move away 5 years ago on arrival of dgc. We have been part of each others families and close supporters, from weekly meetings, when no notice was needed to call on the other in person, we now arrange stays a few times a year. Long chats and WhatsApp.
She has been like a bonus sister

I have a friend who I met through a shared hobby , and we used to meet up regularly as well .
.In hindsight I realise it was always me doing the running around , lift to hobby , me calling around there , me phoning, me doing her favours such as looking after house / garden when they were away , feeding a pet , running errands , being generally available.
When my dh was ill , and still is , so I am not so available to her , can't take / accompany to shopping trips / days out . She has found another friend .
Still see each other occasionally , but it's definitely much cooler .
I find that with friends , it's quite transactional , if you are meeting their needs all is good . If not then the garden is not quite as rosy .
Or perhaps I should be more choosy in friend finding.

I have a handful of friends who are the sisters I never had.

They are real life friendships (work) that have mostly moved to Messenger now as emigration, family responsibilities, work mean we rarely meet.

But whenever we can we meet up again after 6 months, five years, whatever-- and it's as though we had never been apart.

I love these women as much as I love my DH or even my DDog.

I don't really agree with the friends being just for an hour or a day notion as I don't really think of those sorts of acquaintances or friendly relationships as friendships.

I've thought for many years there are different types of friends . I've moved around a lot and had many different jobs.

In my experience, only a few will become life long, close friends.

Others might be 'everyday' best friends - maybe work colleagues or mums at the school gate. You chat loads, know lots about each other's daily lives, have a laugh but the friendship doesn't really extend beyond that situation or time and it's OK.

Sometimes long friendships change - maybe becoming stronger or changing and fizzling out as you change as people, similar to a relationship ending.

Theres obviously more examples. They're all important in their own way but it's quite freeing to see them for what they are and to just enjoy them.

I agree, its mostly quite true

I kind of agree and kind of not. I have two friends who have been there since birth - now in our 30s. I know we will never ever not be best friends. They are more like sisters. Two have us have gone to uni, I lived away from our home town for 5 years and we have all gone through big life events at completely different times (having children, getting married, buying a house) - we were still close through it all.

I also have a few other friends who I actually met online as a teen - we are still friends 20 years on. Although we live across the country from each other. One I talk to on a daily basis, the other not as much but still wound consider a close close friend.

However there are several friends that at one point were my "best" friends who are now only friends I speak to occasionally or acquaintances. Most of these are people I met at college, uni, and in random jobs.

I think it genuinely depends on when you meet them and what you go through together.

Don't most friendships have to start out as situational because you have to make a bond or connection somehow generally by being in the same situation as them - same school/university/college/workplace/child's school. Only a few can become long term as it takes time and effort to keep the bond beyond the situation. Doesn't mean that they were superficial; just that you can't make a bond without being in the same situation or sharing the same experience.

Maybe it’s how I’m brought up. Blood is thicker than water. Family is forever. I find I drift away from friendships. They are there for different stages of my life.

I was brought up to think you shouldn’t trust anyone, ‘friends’ were only out for themselves, or you only needed them when single. Fortunately I grew out of that stuff.

This ^^ is certainly very true for DH and me.
We have lived in 5 very different areas and have made friends through work, with neighbours and through different interest groups. When we moved on we weren't that bothered about keeping in touch with everyone we knew, but have accumulated two or three that we did want to keep in touch with each time.

DH is still good friends with people he met at university over 50 years ago. I'm friends with people I went to school with, but rarely see them as I live too far away.

DD is 23 and only keeps in touch with 3 girls from school and someone she used to work with during her gap year. Her other friends are people she met at university and work.

Yes and no.

I have friends from high school (left in 2000), we don't live near each other anymore and haven't since all going to Uni, four of us have kids and two of us don't, all in very different jobs. But we are now more like family. We try to see each other annually but stay in touch with a long running messenger thread.

However I left work when I had a poorly newborn, left really good friends and we just couldn't maintain it. Except 1 I went to college with and were still friends now altho we do live fairly locally and have similar life circs.

So I think some friends will stick regardless. They become family.

I have had/am at times a situational friend - work colleagues for example I've been friends with, the friendship rarely outlasts the time working together. However, I am incredibly lucky to have a number of friends whose friendship has stood the test of time. I have 5 very close friends who I've known almost 30 years (a couple more than that) - one lives in Asia, another in Australia, those in the UK don't live near each other but we remain really close. I have another friend who I met through DD as a baby and she is my ride or die. I am totally about quality over quantity and invest a lot in maintaining and sustaining the important friendships in my life.

Agree with PP that you’ve come to the wrong place to ask about friendships!

MNers don’t like people, and don’t seem to know how to make - let alone sustain - friendships. Everyone’s cutting people off for the least transgression, going no contact, the whole palava…

As the saying goes, friendships are for a reason, a season, or if you’re lucky, a lifetime.

I’m knocking 50 and have two friends I’ve known since 0 and 5 respectively, that are still in my daily life, having survived long moves overseas and all sorts (we’re now in the same city, although a different one from the one we grew up in). And then friends who’ve come and gone, and new(ish) friends in my life right now - a small handful of whom I think will be in it for a long time yet.

That’s as it should be.

The lifetime friends are few and far between - and will only be there if both parties are invested in maintaining the friendship.

I think it's a bit sad to view situational friendships as less 'real' than any other type of friendship. Surely it just depends on how much you've moved around I your life? I attended 10 schools then spent much of my early adult life moving around this country then one other. I've had deep friendships with people that I consider to be 'real' but obviously they haven't always continued at the same level of closeness just due to circumstances such as being far apart from one another. It doesn't mean I like them any less or the bond wasn't that deep.
It's a bit insulting to suggest the style and manner in which you had friendships in your life is somehow inherently superior to how other people experience friendships. Everyone is different and different peoples lives give rise to different forms of friendship. None are necessarily more or less meaningful than any other. The level of depth is decided only by the people in that friendship.
Honestly there's been friendships in my life that were quite fleeting that have had a profound effect on my life. Just because something can be viewed as situational doesn't necessarily make it any less real than a friendship you've had all your life.
But there is some truth in thinking that friends you've known your whole life are rarer now days due to the fact people just tend to move around more.. thats not necessarily negative tho. I take issue at you saying friendships are less 'real'

I'd really want to resist the idea that a situational friendship is "not real". Reality is that people's time is finite and they often only have energy to spend time with a few people in a week. So there will be some friends that you no longer keep up with once they move. But that doesn't mean that they are not real friendship while you're having them. Think of romantic relationships, just because a relationship ends doesn't mean that it wasn't real love. Lots of romantic relationships are genuine, loving and real, even if they come to an end.

Like any relationship, it takes work, love and effort.

I agree with your title, and the general premise, but completely disagree wth this sentence they all agreed that most friendship’s aren’t real and just ‘situational’

Those friendships are still real friendships.
A friendship doesn't have to be lifelong to make it a 'real' friendship. Indeed, some 'situational friendships' can be very intense.

As others have said, there will always only be a small % of people that you keep in touch with for evermore, once the situation you share no longer exists, but that doesn't mean those friendships aren't real.

Agree @UsingChangeofName ^