To think most friendships are just situational

[Corsadrive]

I’ve stayed in the same area my entire life, left school 20 years ago never went to uni, been a SAHM a lot of that time and worked very much part time for most of the rest. I’ve not really ‘lost’ friends over the years as I’ve always just had a few mates from school who I stayed friends with and then a few people I met through the school when my own DC were in primary. However, my DC are now 25, 23 and 17 respectively and all three have had a very different experience to me (the two eldest have moved away to uni and now graduated and the youngest still has a year of college left) and therefore have all moved between part time jobs, school to college to Uni, then to grad jobs etc. I was talking to them last night (full house for the weekend) and they all agreed that most friendship’s aren’t real and just ‘situational’ in the sense they only last whilst two people are in the same situation eg two colleagues can superficially be close but as soon as one leaves the job they drift. Anecdotally, my own DC who aren’t that old only still talk to about 2 or 3 people each from their secondary school friendship groups. Aibu to feel sad but agree with my DC that most friendships are situational?

Yes - look at how quickly work 'friends' forget one another if one of them moves jobs.

The thing is, I think you have it the wrong way round entirely.

It is the extraverts who have these situational friendships. I'm an extravert, I'm always chatting away to everyone I meet, I lean in and listen to the grumbles and health ailments of my colleagues, I'm chatty with the mums of my dd's classmates etc. I'm friendly with most of the neighbours and know all about their grandkids and their gutter clearing problems and so on. I have no social anxiety and I'm even one of those people who can't really sympathise with the concept of social anxiety. My friendships are very much situational. No way would I keep in touch with my neighbours if I moved.

My dh on the other hand is extremely introverted (although not anxious). He doesn't make situational friendships because he CBA to invest in someone he knows will be out of his life in 5-10 years (yep, even that long). His close mates are all either secondary school friends or from university, and even then only half a dozen. I don't think he could even name both our next door neighbour's daughters, who we've met several times and exchanged our kids' Christmas presents with.

Situational friendships are an extraverted thing.

Yes I agree. But I think they can be really good genuine friendships while they last - it's just so much harder to keep them going when people move away, start having a different life somewhere else and it's much more difficult to see each other. Both people have to be prepared to put the work in and even in a really good friendship I think that 9 times out of 10 one of them doesn't have the required energy after dealing with their day to day stuff - or just plain can't be bothered and focuses instead on making new friends.

I have six very close friends who I met at various colleges and workplaces decades ago. We became friends in that situation but our friendships have lasted decades through all our life stages, loves, losses, marriages, kids, grandkids, retirement and across continents. We seemed to 'pick each other out' as like minded folk in the situation and our friendships stuck whereas I guess other 'friends' fell by the wayside.

Early this year I joined Slimming World and on day one met a new friend. We just clicked and amongst all the nice, friendly people there I strongly believe that she and I will stay friends into the future. You can spot a keeper.

Well yes, but if you move around a lot, you can't keep all friendships, it's just not possible. Also, if does make the few that you hang onto for decades special.

I think they often are situational, but that doesn’t make them any less real.

I still consider myself good friends with school and uni pals, but in reality we only see each other a couple of times a year.

I’ve lost touch with people I’ve been closer to than some in the school group simply because we’ve moved to different places.

However, if they called and said they were in town, I’d be so happy to meet up and I’d always consider them friends

Well if you make the decision that you’re going to invest in/prioritise family relationships most, and treat friendships as less important, then you’ve sort of stacked the decks as to which relationships in your life are going to last, haven’t you?

Yes, I broadly agree.

In my experience, there's one or two friends who you just know are there for life.
But the rest are vaguely situational.

I have found that when I've left jobs, a couple have hung on for a few months, and then drifted, some last a few years and then drift, and a very few make it to the "once a year meet-up and occasional text" level of friendship.

I honestly didn't even realise this was a thing until my 30s. I worked in a school at the time, and became very good friends with a lady there. So much so that I invited her to my 30th birthday. A small event I was holding for the people I considered my closest friends. A couple of days before, she "wasn't feeling well" and backed out.
I didn't hear from her again until about 5 years later, when she messaged me out of the blue, telling me she'd just got engaged to the man she had just started dating when we were friends, we were mutual friends on FB for maybe 6 months, and then she disappeared again.

I think it depends on who you meet and how you feel about that person in the “situation”. I don’t have a group of friends. It’s not something I crave but I do have two special people; one I’ve known 50 years and the other 40. People I know really well and not ships that pass in the night.

And frankly when you have a toddler and a baby you want a lovely pal round the corner in the same boat to go to the park with. The lovely mum in your old city who now requires a big effort and a whole weekend stay to see is less appealing …so don’t think people can be blamed really.

I don't disagree but thinking about this, how does that "one" friendship most of us have from school work?

I know very, very few people who are still in close contact with people they went to school with. All my school friendships faded/disappeared once we went off to university and moved to different parts of the country.

We're still vaguely in touch via social media but I wouldn't describe any of us as close anymore.

I disagree. I'm nearly 50 and I still have school friends, university friends and friends from a job I left 18 years ago, despite the fact that I no longer live in the cities I went to school / uni / worked in.

Agreed. The OP is giving her children a script about what relationships are prioritised and enduring, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I grew up with some very odd scripts about friendships from my mother, a socially-anxious people-pleaser, but actively worked to shed them in young adulthood. To this day, she’s baffled by my enduring friendships, because in her view I do everything ‘wrong’ (I don’t people-please, I refuse some invitations that don’t work for me, I don’t pretend to agree with beliefs I don’t share, I’m not an endlessly available suffering sponge, I don’t befriend everyone who wants to befriend me etc etc.)

I was told once that people come into your life for "a reason, a season, or a lifetime" and I think that's very true.

I'm 53 now, and although I stay in touch with close friends from school or previous jobs etc, we're not close, and we don't see each other. But I moved 200 miles away from my hometown almost 20 years ago, so that makes a difference too.

Not my experience. I tend to have a few quality friendships rather than lots of superficial friendships (sorry if that sounds smug! But I'm a introvert so it's how my relationships are). I've moved around a lot and my friendships do last. I have close friends from every place I've lived. Of course, I've lost track with some acquaintances, old colleagues etc but I suppose they were never close friends in the first place.

In part but I don’t think that’s something to feel sad about. I’ve met loads of lovely people over the years through work for example, but once I’ve moved on from a job there are very few that have remained friends forever.

Same with education and hobbies. A few stick, most don’t. But my life has been richer for all of them. And the ones that have stuck are gold.

I am a pensioner and have friends going back to school days. You could still call these friends situational. Looking back, I can see that generally we were very close at school, drifted when setting up home, getting married, pursuing careers etc. We became close again when we were SAHMs, as we had more time. Closeness has also depended on how near or far we move to. As the DC grew up and we returned to work and busier lives, we drifted again. Now we are retired, we see each other more often.

@margotrose Isn't that weird- I can't think of many people I know/have known where that wasn't the case. I wonder if you and I are in wildly different social/class groups or something.

This makes me so sad!!! No I don’t think that at all. I have had friendships that I consider situational, but they make up a very very small percentage of my friendships. I have a lot of deep friendships dating back decades (to childhood, to uni, to various other “situations”, that I have taken on with me through the years and make an effort to keep up despite the fact that we’re in completely different situations now. The shallower acquaintances haven’t lasted but those aren’t the relationships I’ve spent time cultivating.

I guess this may not be the case for everyone, reading this, so perhaps I am very lucky. I am somewhat of an introvert so I’ve never been a social butterfly but instead focused on individual bonds, maybe that’s something to do with it. But no I think YABU, gently, because it certainly doesn’t have to be that way if you find the right friendships.

Yes, as you go through the various stages of life you will make lots of friends but only a small number from each situation will endure, I think. But that's OK!

And if you do meet someone you really like you need to put the work in - making the effort to keep in touch and arrange meet-ups which might not always be totally convenient, or what you feel like doing at the time.

Keep your friendships in good repair is a motto someone told me, and I agree. They will wither and die if you don't feed them and take the trouble. Good friends are like gold-dust.

I´m 30 and still very close to friend from first grade.

We have lived in different towns since we were (young) teens, went to different schools, unis, different careers etc. and still remain very close friends.

But most friendships are situational ime, yes.

I’d say 90% of friendships are situational. My definition of friendship is perhaps a bit stricter though as what many call “friends” I’d call “acquaintances”.

For me I’d say I have 3 genuine lifelong friends. One I talk to daily, even if it is just via text, and two I talk to once a week at least. I feel completely comfortable around these people and I know they’ll have my back whenever and vice versa.

As for the rest they’re often friendships of convenience. It’s not something deliberate but it’s just how it goes if we no longer work together or play the same sport together. It takes an incredibly amount of effort to maintain a friendship and we’re still friendly, don’t get me wrong, but I wouldn’t necessarily consider us friends after that.

Sadly OP I agree. It’s sad but it’s life.

There's nothing wrong with friendships bring situational though. You would be worn out if you stayed friends with everyone from school, work etc who no longer moves in your circles. It's nice to get on with people you see often and enjoy fun times together. It's also nice to have a few special friends who you stick with for life wherever they are, but you can only have a small number of those.

I don't think my friendships are like this, partly as i like being alone a lot so I don't really need people to just hang out with. I tend to make strong heart connections with certain people and maintain those, so I have very long friendships with people from many places. But might not see them very often.