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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our DS's birthday party?

111 replies

chatenoire · 15/10/2023 07:08

Our boy will turn 4 in a week. I have the invitations to nursery for them to hand out and I think people haven't checked their kids' bags. My husband thinks they're just waiting to know about their plans.

Out of 8 invitations only 2 have confirmed and 2 have said they can't make it. My husband is of the idea that we should cancel if we don't get to 3. I tend to agree as I think otherwise it would make things awkward.

We're not the best at social situations and we know our son doesn't really play/have friends so we know he won't know any difference. I feel bad he won't have a party, but my husband doesn't see the big deal as he never had one.

The plan was to just have them children at home and have a few activities for them to do. That worked last year!

OP posts:
GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 07:33

YABU!!
He's going to be 4, having a couple of friends over with play and cake will be special for him. Don't cancel!

margotrose · 15/10/2023 07:33

We work better with bigger crowds than smaller ones, which is why we're both a bit anxious.

But in cases like this, you need to put your anxieties aside as it's about your little boy having his party.

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 07:33

We work better with bigger crowds than smaller ones, which is why we're both a bit anxious.

this isn't a crowd, it's 2 4 year olds. You aren't expecting the parents to stay are you?

sellote · 15/10/2023 07:35

You still have 4 left to confirm. In my experience (and I’ve organised quite a few parties!) most people don’t confirm until the last minute. Even with an RSVP date people tend to wait until that date. Don’t cancel as your son will still enjoy it even if only two come, and his friends could be looking forward to the party. My DC were allowed two friends to their birthday ‘parties’ under covid rules and enjoyed them just as much as their larger parties. I’m not great in social situations either but have made the effort for the sake of my DC.

Original poster
chatenoire · 15/10/2023 07:39

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 07:33

We work better with bigger crowds than smaller ones, which is why we're both a bit anxious.

this isn't a crowd, it's 2 4 year olds. You aren't expecting the parents to stay are you?

Oh course we are! In my experience parents ALWAYS stay. That changes as they get older. But parents stayed last year, and parents always stayed at my DDs parties.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 15/10/2023 07:41

I'd give nursery another set of invites to put in bags again. The likelihood is that the parents haven't got them.

2 is fine for a 4yo party, or you could supplement with family friends etc. I'd also tell the 2 who replied that siblings are welcome to come too if you don't get any more responses.

Honestly, my house feels very full with 2/3 kids and associated parents in it. 8 and we'd be absolutely heaving! We once had 10 and that was really rather stressful. If you're not used to hosting, 2 is actually quite a good number to start with. Your son won't mind so long as there are cake and balloons, and it will be a good chance to get to know the 2 friends who are coming and their parents for future playdates.

MuggleMe · 15/10/2023 07:42

Well a playdate with a couple of friends and cake sounds like a lovely way to spend a birthday. Don't cancel! Do some nice nibbles for the parents and suck it up for 2 hours.

HarperMae · 15/10/2023 07:42

Theres 2 kids coming, that's 3 in total up to now. That's fine to still have a little play date party for him with 2 other kids, he will be made up!

Katela18 · 15/10/2023 07:42

How long ago did you hand out invites? I've found too far in advance and people don't know what they are doing yet so don't respond. I think no more than 2 or 3 weeks is the best time.

Regardless, I'd still go ahead with 2 especially if you're just at home

DiscoBeat · 15/10/2023 07:44

I wouldn't cancel! I would change any hall booking to a party at home but you're doing that anyway.

MaggieFS · 15/10/2023 07:49

Don't cancel. It would be horribly unfair on those who have carpeted - downright rude that they aren't good enough - and unkind to your son.

Some people are crap and some invitations go missing.

Put another set in for tomorrow and either way, make the best of it. Your DS will have a great time.

MaggieFS · 15/10/2023 07:49

Somehow, in autocorrect land carpeted = replied

Original poster
chatenoire · 15/10/2023 07:51

Katela18 · 15/10/2023 07:42

How long ago did you hand out invites? I've found too far in advance and people don't know what they are doing yet so don't respond. I think no more than 2 or 3 weeks is the best time.

Regardless, I'd still go ahead with 2 especially if you're just at home

It was around the 2 week mark.

I would assume they've had them.for at least a week, but I think they simply didn't check their bags.

I guess our hesitation is that we have no clue if our son actually plays with those two girls or not. (We have nursery a few blank ones for them to hand out)

OP posts:
HerkyBaby · 15/10/2023 08:00

To be honest I’d be more likely to cancel if all 8 had accepted!!The thought of 9 4 year olds running around at a party in my home and doing what 4 year olds do best fills me with horror!Have the party for the small number who have accepted and enjoy it. But OP do bare in mind that you should probably consider an alternative location for next years party when there will be a primary school class of 5 year olds to accommodate! Enjoy the celebration

Original poster
chatenoire · 15/10/2023 08:02

HerkyBaby · 15/10/2023 08:00

To be honest I’d be more likely to cancel if all 8 had accepted!!The thought of 9 4 year olds running around at a party in my home and doing what 4 year olds do best fills me with horror!Have the party for the small number who have accepted and enjoy it. But OP do bare in mind that you should probably consider an alternative location for next years party when there will be a primary school class of 5 year olds to accommodate! Enjoy the celebration

They would still be 4 ;) and most of these kids are 3 (as he's one of the oldest).

I love house parties! I think I only switched to a hall with my daughter because she wanted a mini disco and I refused to have a smoke machine at home!

We've hosted for up to like 40 (adults and children) so I can cope in that sense

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 15/10/2023 08:06

Oh don't cancel! Your child and the ones who are coming will feel like they are not good enough.
Enjoy the company who come. Odds are one or two others will reply late and maybe say that they're coming.

The extra space could be taken up by grandparents or cousins or the next door neighbour.

Original poster
chatenoire · 15/10/2023 08:07

Something I've forgotten to mention (and probably is one of the reasons to cancel).

Is that our son seems indifferent to other children. He plays alongside but not WITH them (if that makes sense).

We've taken him to two birthday parties and he refused to play with other children.

And as we don't know if he's "friendly" with these two, we don't know how he'll react.

OP posts:
89redballoons · 15/10/2023 08:09

Parents definitely stay at a 4th birthday party around here! My DS is turning 4 in December and every party we've been to has had parents at it. We went to a 7th birthday recently and I'd say about 50/60% of the parents stayed at that.

OP, I do understand your anxiety but I wouldn't cancel if only 2 are coming. It will still be special for your DS.

It's tricky when nursery isn't helpful with these things. I know some nurseries and preschools seem to have all class WhatsApp groups and stuff, but ours doesn't and organising parties and playdates via the nursery office is definitely a bit awkward.

I actually think it sounds like you are doing a really good job of making sure your DS is exposed to enjoyable social situations, given that you and your DH both suffer from social anxiety.

Goldbar · 15/10/2023 08:11

@chatenoire . Would your son prefer a party with just his family there?

I wouldn't cancel because just two kids were coming, but I would cancel/wouldn't organise a party in the first place if I thought my son wouldn't enjoy it.

Original poster
chatenoire · 15/10/2023 08:15

Goldbar · 15/10/2023 08:11

@chatenoire . Would your son prefer a party with just his family there?

I wouldn't cancel because just two kids were coming, but I would cancel/wouldn't organise a party in the first place if I thought my son wouldn't enjoy it.

Maybe?? I'm actually unsure. Last year he seemed to just go with the flow. I remember very clearly two boys started being boisterous and he then started doing his own thing (not with them) but he did seem to have fun.

I don't know how he plays with girls and I don't know these girls and have never heard about them. He doesn't talk about anyone in particular at nursery so it's hard to know what he'd enjoy or not.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 15/10/2023 08:15

I'd still go ahead with it. I think cancelling it is a bit rude, especially as it sounds like you're just planning a low key playdate style party anyway.

Were you planning on party games?

I don't mean to be rude, but I really wouldn't expect someone to have the TV on, a few mega blocks and a cardboard playhouse. That's a bit too low-key to me, it's what you do at home on a rainy Sunday (minus mega blocks which I think is more of a baby toy than preschooler).

I'd be doing a range of party games; musical statues, pass the parcel, treasure hunt etc. Maybe a craft each, then get the cardboard thing out after a lunch and cake.

CyberCritical · 15/10/2023 08:15

chatenoire · 15/10/2023 08:07

Something I've forgotten to mention (and probably is one of the reasons to cancel).

Is that our son seems indifferent to other children. He plays alongside but not WITH them (if that makes sense).

We've taken him to two birthday parties and he refused to play with other children.

And as we don't know if he's "friendly" with these two, we don't know how he'll react.

That's pretty much how 4 yr olds play. When DD was in nursery, reception and Yr1 everyone was 'friends' with everyone and they just played with whoever was playing what they wanted to do. Yr2 they started forming bigger groups of friends but it wasn't really till yr 3 when they had defined friends.

2 is fine, include some blown up balloons and music and they'll have a great time chasing the balloons about and having a bop about.

89redballoons · 15/10/2023 08:17

chatenoire · 15/10/2023 08:07

Something I've forgotten to mention (and probably is one of the reasons to cancel).

Is that our son seems indifferent to other children. He plays alongside but not WITH them (if that makes sense).

We've taken him to two birthday parties and he refused to play with other children.

And as we don't know if he's "friendly" with these two, we don't know how he'll react.

Have nursery ever commented on this? If not, it could well just be normal for his age.

There's a real range of how children play together at this age, and it can change very quickly (like lots of kinds if development) so if your DS was like this a few months ago it could be different now. Presumably nursery have suggested you invite these particular children because they do play together?

I've known 3 year olds spend playdates mostly ignoring each other and then declaring at the end that they're best friends Grin

Original poster
chatenoire · 15/10/2023 08:19

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/10/2023 08:15

I'd still go ahead with it. I think cancelling it is a bit rude, especially as it sounds like you're just planning a low key playdate style party anyway.

Were you planning on party games?

I don't mean to be rude, but I really wouldn't expect someone to have the TV on, a few mega blocks and a cardboard playhouse. That's a bit too low-key to me, it's what you do at home on a rainy Sunday (minus mega blocks which I think is more of a baby toy than preschooler).

I'd be doing a range of party games; musical statues, pass the parcel, treasure hunt etc. Maybe a craft each, then get the cardboard thing out after a lunch and cake.

IME until they're like 5 and they can fully follow instructions any activities are pointless!

I normally would have a pinata but not with 3...

I would get a bouncy castle but DH thinks the dog will puncture it

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 15/10/2023 08:23

I have young children around the same age as yours, 6,4 and 2. All parties for little ones have involved games. My 2 year old loves pass the parcel and musical statues and my 4 year old does too. You could also play hide and seek. I think maybe you're underestimating them.

A bouncy castle sounds fun, won't you have the dog shut away anyway?