WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

[Honestmummydearest]

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

Agree with others. Message with a specific date. Ask them to have it unassembled. Give them a week to sort themselves out. Their kids age or sleeping habits isn't your concern, once they have notice you've done your bit.

Can't believe people are saying you are BU for lending something to friends

So what needs to be cleaned/changed in the cot for you to use it? How long will it take toget it ready? Can DH do it whilst you're in hospital after you've had your DC? If so you can wait a little longer.

Alternatively, work out when you think you'll have your DC and arrange tge date so you can sort the cot out.

They are CFs and honestly an 8m old shouldn't be in a bedside cot because they are more mobile, so could stand up and fall out....

Cut the husband out and message them yourself. After all, if they are more HIS friends, there's no particular need for you to tip-toe around this. And honestly, if you've only just met their baby, at 8 months old, the friendship is clearly not that much of a priority.
"Hello X, I'm afraid I haven't been clear. I need the cot back NOW. My baby could come any day now, and I currently have nowhere for it to sleep. My husband will be coming round to collect it on Saturday morning. Please let us know if you need any help dismantling it, and he'll bring his tools."

No room for negotiation, no wiggle room. Turn up on their doorstep on the appointed day, whether you hear back from them or not.

BUT, be absolutely ready to have to go out and buy a new cot. And at that point, both you and DH need to appreciate that the friendship has gone.

@saraclara And doesn’t everyone also know that babies come in different shapes and sizes?!

My baby fit in hers until she was 1. So we used it until she was 1.

Their baby is still actively using it at 8 months. It was leant to them so they could use it, and they’re still using it.

But I agree with others that the timeframe doesn’t quite add up here.

Having re read OP they haven’t actually ask directly for it back
whilst obvious you need it it a be side cot will just be cluttering up your bedroom till arrival
Would of thought it would be a last minute thing
not the same as a proper cot in empty nursery

just directly ask them

@PenguinRainbows are you insinuating they are in the right? They've known for months this time was coming. Would also love to know what crib you had that suited a 1 year old. It's not just above the size.... We moved our well below average sized baby out of hers and into a cot at 6 months. A crib was no longer safe.

"Soon but not today"

You need it now.

The cot will be back with us on X date - insert date one week from today.

If they say they aren't quite ready, state please drop off here by 1pm.

Is it even in acceptable condition after their two babies have used it?Will you need a new mattress?

I probably would swerve the friendship. The "soon" is a bit cheeky.

I'm really surprised at people blaming the OP here. She did a nice thing trying to help out friends. They knew she was pregnant and had months to sort out another cot.

This is causing stress at a time when you've got enough going on. I agree your DH needs to message : -

' Great to see you guys yesterday. I don't know if you picked up on it but we really need to ask for the cot back now. DW could go into labour at any time! When can I come over to pick it up?'

Yes. OP hasn’t directly asked for it back, and explicitly said they could use it. They’re still actively using it.

I just had a standard next-to-me. She’s always been fairly chill and yes she could roll, stand and cruise at that time but it was never an issue with her.

Wouldn't be able to do it with my second though, but it sounds like OP’s friends have a baby like our first.

Sorry to be direct but we need to pick up the cot next weekend as baby will be here any moment. Will you be in on Saturday morning? Take care, X

Just pop around again and just take it.

"Hi, Borrowers. H will be picking up our cot next weekend. Saturday at 10 or Sunday at 10. Your choice of mornings. But we need it back now to get it ready for our new baby. That should give you plenty of time to finalise your baby's move into a bigger cot.'

Text today if you haven’t already

Hi friends, sorry but we have to have the cot back this week. As you know it’s for use up to 7 months and we need it now so it’s time for you to buy another larger cot. I hadn’t realised you would use it for this long and I’m getting a bit anxious as I need it set up at home asap. We can be over to collect on Wednesday or Thursday can you let me know which eve is better? I realise you want to continue using it but we have to have it back now as our baby is due! Lovely to see you last week. Baby is gorgeous x

Actually the posts above mine are much better and more direct. Without being rude.

You would want to replace the mattress in it. Oh I don’t think you should have offered

Ffs people really need to read the thread properly!!! It's a BEDSIDE crib that's used for the first 6 months... NOT a full cot designed for babies as they grow!!

Op you need to say you need it back by next weekend at the latest.

Cheeky fuckary at its finest!

I did read the thread properly.

My first fit in her bedside cot until she was 1. Obviously OP’s friend’s baby also still fits in theirs at 8 months as OP said they were actively using it.

@PenguinRainbows but the OP is heavily pregnant and needs it back! Also they are not particularly safe once baby can sit up and start to pull themselves up... just because your baby was fine doesn't mean they should routinely be used by babies who are on the move!

Be more assertive, text today with a date and time you will pick it up.

If your husband is too much of awet blanket to do it, message them yourself

They are CFs, OP.

I suggest your DH calls them saying, @Honestmummydearest is in early labour, I am on my way over to collect the cot NOW.

Text them " we will be coming over _please have the cot ready for us to take home I'm afraid we must insist on this now."

You can’t vilify someone for not giving something back they haven’t asked for back

cut the drama and just directly ask for it back would be the obvious solution

Sometimes I despair at the lack of reading comprehension on MN.

It's either that or just so much anger and unhappiness that they are contrary for no reason and make it all up in their heads so they can lash out.

Those people aren't BVU but SDSIF.

You say ‘I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude’.
you’re not being in the least bit assertive and they are being extremely rude/evasive.
just be very direct. tell them you need the cot back now (or in a weeks time or whatever), and mean it.

I didn't know that. How can it be a SIDS risk?

It needs to be put on mattresses/bedside cots.