WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

[Honestmummydearest]

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

'So nice to see you and your lo the other day. I'm really sorry to push you on this, but we really need the cot back this week. DH would like to come and collect it on '

It's more than fair. Just because you lent someone something, doesn't mean you cannot get it back if/when you need it.

How silly to think someone should buy a new one because the other people are too lazy or cheap to get one they will use for a year plus. smdh

It's mind-boggling isn't it?

I truly think these posters feel the OP should have held off getting pregnant until the CFer was done with the bedside cot. God forbid someone have a life not dictated by when you lent a cot.... smdh

The OP hasn’t directly asked for it back, and I never said they were routinely safe, I said it sounds like their friends have a baby like our first.

@PenguinRainbows oh come on! The op is heavily pregnant Bd the cf friends just keep brushing her off! It's a pisstake!

Well, she would have done that, but Christopher Lloyd and his DeLorean were busy and not available for the OP to use. 🙄

Sometimes...I just can't. 😬😖😵😡

Not really. She leant it to them to use, they’re still using it, and she hasn’t directly asked for it back.

So for all they know they could be using a Moses basket before the next to me, which is what we did with ours.

Here in the US, a crib is a large bed that frequently can be changed into a toddler bed and then into a full bed.

Bedside cots are new to me. My DD used a bassinet that had been handed down through the family. I love the look of the bedside cots though. You don't even need to get out of bed. 💖

When it was lent it was directly on the basis that OP would want it back for a second child. They know the birth of the second child is imminent. How much clearer could it be that the cot has to go back?

Send a message now that basically says your dh will pick it up on x night as you need it back. Stop messing around d and be direct

Not really. She leant it to them to use, they’re still using it, and she hasn’t directly asked for it back.

So for all they know they could be using a Moses basket before the next to me, which is what we did with ours.

Same thing happened to me only it was my sister and I did ask outright for the cot to be returned. She simply refused as her LO "wasn't old enough" to go into a bed yet. I ended up having to buy a 2nd hand cot for my second baby (money was tight at the time, I couldn't afford a new one). And that wasn't the only time she refused outright to return something I'd loaned her! Lesson learned eventually.

If you want it back without a fight I'd go buy that second hand cot, go around there and say you need it back now. If they say, not yet, reply, "yes now please. Because it's mine, I told you, you could have it until our second baby came. I'm not happy to leave it any longer, otherwise I'll have no where for the baby to sleep!"

I hope someone can explain the not sharing mattresses. I admit, never heard of it.

What is in the mattress that can hurt another child?
What do they do in daycare?

They have asked for it back. They were told they could have it back "soon". The OP is on the point of giving birth.

This is not assertive.

This is
'Hello X

Re: the cot we loaned you. DH will collect the cot on xx at xxx. Please make sure it is dismantled and ready for him. We need it back now'.

Please send this and don’t lend them anything again.

Can't your husband says you've had a hospital appointment & been told baby could arrive anytime so need it back

Second hand mattresses increase the risk of cot death. The evidence apparent supports this. But I have never seen any explanation of why. What it is about second hand mattresses which makes them apparently so dangerous .

It might be that they really cannot afford a replacement in this cost of living climate and are trying to source a cheap secondhand one… that could take a bit of time.

Possibly they were too embarrassed about their circumstances to explain this… only people in this position knows what this feels like.
Personally, I would sooner sleep the baby next to me in bed rather than keep a repeatedly requested borrowed item, but some people are more relaxed about this.

CAN you afford to buy a new one? Perhaps worth solving this problem with money if you can spare it, and consider the old one a charitable donation and rise above it all. Cut your losses and move on.

Plus, you have no idea what condition it might be in by now, with baby sick and the scents and smells of their home in it.

Otherwise, if you cannot afford another, give them a week or two notice and set a date for collection.

Either way, lesson learned!

Once, a very important person in my life in an impoverished state “asked” or rather TOLD me, they were coming to collect an item of mine… very cheeky because I was informed and not asked! When they arrived, I gave them the value of the item in cash (about £200) and told them to go and buy a new one… they were happy and I was relieved not to have to do without my necessary item.

Many years have passed since then and we have enjoyed a beautiful relationship, during that time.
Some years later, it was I who hit hard times, and guess who was there to give me a helping hand, unasked! Extraordinary person.

My person was just driven to this act years ago by desperation, they were still a good person and a dear friend. Fear and a cold house and the electric maybe being shut down does strange things to people.

It’s only a thing, a crib, people and friendships are more important… overlook it this time. x

Thank you. 👋
Like you, I would just like to know what it is about sharing mattresses that ups that risk/danger.👀

I'm not sure but could it be that you can't guarantee they've been in a smoke free environment?

It’s on the lullaby trust site.

With second hand mattresses come the risks of rips and tears, it may not have had a waterproof cover on it previously, and the big one is that it may have lost its firmness and flatness, making it less safe for another baby.

I don’t think so as you are supposed to get a new one for every child even within the same household and you would know the background of it.

for car seats you shouldn’t buy second hand as you don’t know if they’ve been in a crash but can use the same one for multiple children in your family so there must be something more about the mattress.

Secondhand mattress advice:

Our advice for using a second-hand mattressThere is some research that found an increased chance of SIDS when using a second-hand mattress brought in from outside of the family home, although the link is not yet proven.
Generally we would advise it is safest to have a new mattress for each baby. However, we know this is not always possible.
To help reduce the risk, we’ve put a checklist together for you.
The second-hand mattress should:

• Have been completely protected by a waterproof cover when in use before
• Have no rips or tears
• Be in good condition
• Still be firm and flat

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/mattresses-and-bedding/