WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

[Honestmummydearest]

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

My firstborn was in her bedside cot until she was 11 months old. She didn’t hit the weight limit until then and still fit in it fine, so she just stayed in it. If that’s their baby’s comfortable and familiar sleeping environment and is sleeping well in it, I can absolutely understand why they don’t want to give it back to you “today”. Given that you already have one child, surely you know how hard it is to get a baby to sleep well, and that there needs to be a transition period for something like this? If you were planning on having another one so soon, you really shouldn’t have lent it out in the first place. You need to be firmer with them so that you do get it back soon, but give them some time to manage the change

Message and be direct - hi, I’m pleased you’ve had so much use from our cot but as our baby is due imminently we need it back on x date. You can buy new cots fairly cheaply or from marketplace! If you’ve only just met their baby then it can’t be a particularly close friendship and if you loose it would you be all
that bothered?

@Solibear I think the 9 months it takes for a woman to grow a baby would be enough of a transition period for them to be honest. It's not like she went over, announced she was pregnant and ready to pop, and demanded it back!

@Ssme92 it’s not 9 months, it’s probably more like 5 months between them announcing the pregnant and now (she isn’t full term yet), and her post says “a few weeks”. Still, I take your point. Maybe they’re delaying giving it back because they’re just not ready to be finished with it yet, and hoping OP will just buy a new one of her own because at the end of the day she’s not going to leave her newborn without a cot. Whatever the reason, they should give it back since OP has asked for it, but personally, if I had lent something like that to someone (financially struggling or not) and then it turned out I actually needed it after all, I wouldn’t ask for it back while they were still using it - I’d be getting one of the cheap second hand ones OP is telling them to get off marketplace myself and using that until such time as they were naturally finished with the item

To be honest you've learnt a lesson here that no good deed goes unpunished. You know what they are like and shouldn't be handing them anything to use after you've had your dc2. They can buy off Facebook marketplace and vinted if indeed they are struggling for money. Of course it's your choice if you choose to reuse your mattress from your first child but I would buy new with the money you save on getting your cot back.

Don't even think about it, or use any emotional energy on it. Just tell then "we're coming over to tomorrow to pick it up because our baby is due". If they choose to be surly about it, you know what sort of people they are!

Perhaps, but in that case the conversation from the borrowers should go "So sorry, but we're having trouble with our LOs sleeping, so are reluctant to change cot atm. However, we appreciate you need a cot now, so please could we buy it off you? That way you can buy another". That is, honestly and fair. Not playing chicken with the due date, hoping the owners of the cot will just give up and pay out of pocket.

@QS90 I agree. I think the whole thing is primarily a communication breakdown on both sides

It's a bedside crib NOT a cot and they are inly suitable up to a certain age like once baby can roll etc .
She done them a favour now needs it back their lack of preparation is not her problem

The entitlement from some people in this thread is astounding tbh !
Why should the op go and buy another crib when there is a perfectly good one there that BELONGS TO THEM they done the friends a favour and now they need the cot back end of story.
I'd message them and say DH will be over to collect the cot on x date this gives you time to sort an alternative .

On that basis they can go out and buy a similar cot for themselves, rather than expect the 9 months pregnant woman to go out and do it.

With every respect, that would be truly nutty. The cot is not suitable or an 8 month old to use, the other parents have had plenty of time to prepare because they took it on the understanding that they would give it back when it was needed.

I'm really surprised at some of the comments on this. A friend is lending me a bedside cot because she's planning to have a second baby when mine will be into a normal cot - so to me it's completely obvious that I'll give it back at a certain time. Even if she came to me and said "actually it's happened sooner than I thought, we'll need it back early" I'd make arrangements and get it back to her - because it's hers, not mine, and she'd have helped me out. Find it very hard to see how the OP has done anything wrong!

Thank you! I admire your patience. Me, I am just SMDH

I mean, I am reading that people kept their baby in it until 9-11 months old because of the "weight limit". It has nothing to do with weight limit. It is the weight limit, OR your child is pulling themselves into a sitting position or worse, a standing position. Unless their child has delayed development, their child was in the bedside cot a lot longer than was safe. These same parents would have wanted the company sued or they'd be all "what did I do wrong?" if their child had fallen out. They were negligent and are extremely lucky nothing happened.

And then telling the OP to go and "do what they would do"--" I’d be getting one of the cheap second hand ones OP is telling them to get off marketplace myself and using that until such time as they were naturally finished with the item." Except that the cot people are talking about the CFers needing to get is the bigger baby/tot cot not a bedside one. Are they trying to say that the OP's newborn should not have a bedside cot if it inconveniences the Cheeky Fers?

Sometimes, I really wonder about people. Is it lack of reading comprehension, lack of thought or just the need to be contrary?

Yh agree, people saying the OP should buy a new cot are insane.

it also really irks me when people don’t read the post, the amount of people saying “you’re unreasonable OP, you shouldn’t have given it at all, now they have to buy one, only used for 8 mo.. bla bla bla” is crazy, surely they can read???
the bloody thing is only safe for 6mo if that. (You may get an extra few weeks but still!)

@321user123

I am so glad it's not just me!

It really does boggle the mind, just boggles the mind!

@Honestmummydearest hope you have the cot safely back in your possession by the end of today.

@Honestmummydearest Hope you have your cot back and can begin to get ready for the new arrival.

Have you got your cot @Honestmummydearest

No, we haven’t.

DH got an update at the end of last week saying that they’d bought a cot on FB marketplace and now just need to get the mattress. I asked DH to go over yesterday but he didn’t. He’s texted them this evening to ask if they have the mattress now and can he come over tomorrow. I argued for stronger wording, but no.

The poster who said I need to stop wasting my energy on it is right. There have been too many cross words over this in our household and I don’t need the stress. I bought a Moses basket as a reserve in case it comes to it but I won’t be speaking to this couple again.

I will update again if/when we get the cot back in time!

God OP.. I actually can’t believe that the Cot is still with them!!!

What actual cheeky fuckery..

good luck with everything and try to relax

They are shameless. Sorry this has turned into such a weird, stressful situation!

The thing is, you are wording this post (and probably acting) like you've done them a massive favour.

The reality is, if you are going to demand the cot back before they are finished with it, you've not really done them a favour at all. You've simply delayed them having to buy a cot for a mere 8 months. You have given them the false impression that you were saving them the expense of a cot which now turns out to not be the case.

If you want the cot back, I think you probably need to lead with an apology 'we are really sorry to inconvenience you but could we possibly have the cot back. I know it's earlier than you expected and it means you actually will have to buy a cot. It's not quite what we planned when we lent it to you'.

Oh sorry, I didn't appreciate this. Yes if it's a next to me, they should return it now.

Just let them know when you'll pick it up

At this stage I'd just send DH over and have him tell them he'll help them dismantle the cot there and then so he can take it home right away, and refuse to leave until he has it. Then never speak to them again.

I borrowed a bassinet from a friend when I was pregnant with DC1. It was on the strict understanding that they needed it back by X date as she needed it to lend to her sister who was due near that date. It wouldn't have occured to me to keep it any longer (even though I wanted to keep my baby in it forever longer) as it wasn't my property!