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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

392 replies

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 05:50

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

OP posts:
saythatagaintome · 16/10/2023 21:23

😂😂😂

sorry, this is so funny to me that you’d drop SO many hints, and they just didn’t offer to pack it up and bring it to your car? Could almost write a hilarious movie script about this.

saythatagaintome · 16/10/2023 21:25

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:58

You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

How long do you keep children in cots!?
their child is old enough for a floor bed.

MarvellousMonsters · 16/10/2023 21:42

Flower35214 · 15/10/2023 06:01

@GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath it's a bedside cot, not an actual cot bed.

My girls were in bedside cots for a lot longer than 8 months.

Swanfeet · 16/10/2023 21:43

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:58

You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

You didn’t actually read what OP had written did you!

LavendersBlueeee · 16/10/2023 21:43

@Honestmummydearest
Well done for getting it sorted. I hope that’s a weight lifted now so you can feel less angry about it and hopefully relax in the bit of time you have left before your new baby is born. Good luck and enjoy!

LavendersBlueeee · 16/10/2023 21:46

@MarvellousMonsters I know you’re not the only person to say this. But end of the day, it’s OPs property not the CFs - it’s not up to her to provide somewhere for their baby to sleep. If they want their baby to sleep in the next-to-me for longer, then they should buy their own!

Mostlyoblivious · 16/10/2023 21:46

They’re not really friends though, are they if they choose to treat your husband and yourself this way. It also is not you damaging a friendship over a cot.

I woukd be mortified hanging on to an item too long. I cannot fathom how people are as overtly entitled as this couple who refuse to return your property!

Is it a Snoo per chance..?

Yummers8 · 16/10/2023 22:09

Yes, do it! Take his phone, he is being a bit spineless unfortunately for you x

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 16/10/2023 22:10

Well done OP. As you said, they're tight for money. My guess is money is either tight so they haven't been able to afford a larger cot in own room, or the 8mo is still sleeping in their room and a bigger one won't fit and they cant afford another bedside one so they're clinging to it. Either way not your problem.

Katbum · 16/10/2023 22:36

yes they are being unreasonable and should have given the cot back. They haven’t and looks like they won’t and your DH isn’t going to press the issue. WWID? Buy another cot and cut these people off.

Notamum12345577 · 16/10/2023 22:39

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 06:56

@Subforsupper is it now a mumsnet rule that one user must suggest you leave your husband at every minor misdemeanour? 🤣

I don’t think I’ll leave the man I married over this, no.

Yes, don’t forget all men are cheating unreliable scumbags 🤣

PrimaryHeadteacher · 16/10/2023 22:54

I loaned my SIL/BIL my inherited family cot, all of my DS very expensive clothes
The cot came back smashed to bits- they had shoved it in their garden shed. It was from my side of the family not DH and I was devastated.
They claimed they had loaned us a steriliser- not true as I had the invoice from buying one
The clothes never came back. As it was a 2nd child the stuff that was incredibly expensive as people gifted clothes not stuff (£40 babygrows in 1998)

25 years on I am upset
never a borrower or a lender be

WinterDeWinter · 16/10/2023 22:56

"of course -but not yet" is a specific kind of upper-middle class but progressive/ bohemian passive aggression. I can literally hear the academic-authoritative tones in which it was said.

autumnpleasestay · 16/10/2023 23:01

Glad you've sorted it out. Personally, I would've been tempted to just take it back right then while you were there. How dare someone 'not yet' you over something you loaned them?! I'd be mortified if someone had to ask me more than once to return a loaned item. I wouldn't worry about ruining your husband's relationship with them; they're obviously not good friends, after all.

This is why I don't loan things to anyone but close family I trust. If it can't be a gift/hand-me-down, then I'm not offering!

Rosscameasdoody · 16/10/2023 23:04

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:58

You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

It’s a bedside cot.

maryanne3 · 16/10/2023 23:28

brilliantlydone, how does that work? We have a travelcot which grandkids use when they visit (3 under 2). You saying we should replace the mattress after each visit?

Lookingatthesunset · 16/10/2023 23:37

My mum and dad bought a cot for me. My uncle and aunt had a baby a year after me, so they borrowed it. My brother came along just over 2 years after me, and so it came back. My cousin was born just under a year later, so it went back to my aunt and uncle.

It came back again when my sibling (#3) was born but cousin #2 had kicked the shit out of it and my parents had to start again!!

Tryingmybestadhd · 16/10/2023 23:42

What bedside cot do they have that teh baby can still be at 8 months ? I’m imagining a chicco next 2mw or similar ? For sure it’s not even safe at that age .
just message saying “ as I’m now die any minute hubby is picking the cot on x day “ see you soon

Mamanyt · 16/10/2023 23:48

LoudSnoringDog · 15/10/2023 05:53

“I’m sorry but we need our cot back by……..”

you need to be a bit more assertive

This, or (same thing, different words), 'Oh, not today. We'll come pick it up on Friday of next week (set your own date)."

Bringbackmemories · 17/10/2023 00:07

i think you are going to have to be more assertive, although I agree that it wasn’t a great move to loan a cot when you were thinking of having another baby so soon.

This brings back horrible memories for me of a so called friend who gave me a cot when I had my twins and then decided a couple of weeks later she wanted it back, as one of her friends was pregnant. My partner was also very unwell, and later died, so it was a very tough time. She hounded me until I agreed to give it back to her. I agreed on condition that she paid me for the mattress that I’d bought for the cot, as it was an odd size and it couldn’t be used on any of the other cots that I would now have to purchase. She came to collect the cot, refused to pay for the mattress, and even took toys that she had given to my toddler. I had to move him to another room as he was crying. Some people are just awful!

Saggypants · 17/10/2023 00:37

TBH I can see why they were reluctant to dismantle the thing on the spot, with no time to organise an alternative. You might have got a better result on your visit if you'd messaged first to tell them you were planning on coming home with it. Glad it's all sorted now though!

321user123 · 17/10/2023 00:39

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:58

You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

I can almost guarantee that OP is referring to a Chicco Next2me or something very similar and it’s only meant for birth to 6 months although one may be able to stretch that a little if baby is small.

This is used instead of a Moses basket

321user123 · 17/10/2023 01:01

PuzzledObserver · 15/10/2023 08:25

I mean, they could hardly dismantle it there and then, without having an alternative for their child to sleep in that night. What they should have said is: “Oh, of course….. can you give us a few days to get hold of a cot? We’ll get on it right away and let you know ASAP.”

Exactly THIS

321user123 · 17/10/2023 01:02

321user123 · 17/10/2023 01:01

Exactly THIS

Show quote history

Ignore.. quoted wrong post 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Someoneonlyyouknow · 17/10/2023 01:31

When is your baby actually due? Seems a bit short-sighted to have lent out equipment you would need for your newborn if you were already pregnant when their child was born?

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