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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

392 replies

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 05:50

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

OP posts:
greenhydrangea · 17/10/2023 01:41

Someoneonlyyouknow · 17/10/2023 01:31

When is your baby actually due? Seems a bit short-sighted to have lent out equipment you would need for your newborn if you were already pregnant when their child was born?

She wasn't already pregnant when she kindly lent the cot. The woman she leant it to was already pregnant - and her baby is now nearly 8 months old. OP's pregnancy is now advanced and she needs the cot back - but she has not been pregnant for well over a year!

Claudie79 · 17/10/2023 01:42

If you’re not blunt enough for “Hi CFs, we’re coming for the cot on X date” maybe something like this.

Hi CFs. We’re really conscious that I could go into labour any moment now and I’m getting quite worried that we won’t actually have somewhere safe for the baby to sleep. I know you’ve said you’re not quite ready to return our cot a few times but we just wanted to give you the heads up that we will be in the area on X date at Y time to collect it, to give you time to get a cot. We don’t want to be in the position where we have a newborn, Baby 1 and are having to pick up and assemble a cot.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 17/10/2023 02:02

greenhydrangea · 17/10/2023 01:41

She wasn't already pregnant when she kindly lent the cot. The woman she leant it to was already pregnant - and her baby is now nearly 8 months old. OP's pregnancy is now advanced and she needs the cot back - but she has not been pregnant for well over a year!

Show quote history

I didn't say she was pregnant when she lent the cot, but she likely was by the time the now-almost-8-month-old was born. It was a kind gesture which has backfired.

coxesorangepippin · 17/10/2023 02:16

What were they thinking, that you'd forget and they'd sell it on eBay?

As you say, no good deed!!

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 17/10/2023 05:42

321user123 · 17/10/2023 00:39

I can almost guarantee that OP is referring to a Chicco Next2me or something very similar and it’s only meant for birth to 6 months although one may be able to stretch that a little if baby is small.

This is used instead of a Moses basket

Show quote history

I've hidden this thread now but I keep getting notifications about replies - really, it's quite obvious that anyone who has posted on this 300+ post thread now gets that it's not a bloody cot it's a next to me crib despite the OP saying cot which is why I and others originally several days ago thought it was a cot and we don't need to be told it's not a cot one more time please for the love of god just stop

Marchitectmummy · 17/10/2023 06:00

Be clear on expectations, give them say 1 week notice or whatever you are comfortable with and say we will be near you on 20th Oct, so will collect our cot then, what time is best?. The simpler the message the better.

Mikimoto · 17/10/2023 06:14

"Hi, Mary! It's nearly my big day (gulp!). John said he can pop round to pick up the cot from you on Monday or Wednesday: just tell us the best time for you and we'll be there".

Ukrainebaby23 · 17/10/2023 06:46

I would suspect they are having difficulties with their 8m sleeping and probably get better results when their baby is using your cot.

As they are DH friends they probably won't admit this, the fact they didn't see you til baby is 8m supports this theory as they are probably exhausted.

Also is mummy still on mat leave, perhaps having financial issues that they'd rather not disclose.

I'd agree though, they should have returned the cot the moment you asked for it, that's CF territory even if u have a non sleeping baby.

Ime don't loan anything to friends or anyone with the expectation you'll get it back as disappointment is inevitable.

Best wishes for the newbie baby.

malificent7 · 17/10/2023 06:50

Or you could have said " it's mine ...i want it now."

Admittedly I probably wouldn't have said that myself.

Alondra · 17/10/2023 07:07

I'm glad things are getting resolved but let this be a lesson to you. Don't loan expensive baby equipment if you are planning to have more children. Even with close sisters, it can be a source of conflict and from your posts, you were never close to them.

Kwasi · 17/10/2023 07:36

Saying you need the cot back by a certain date is direct. Saying your LO was out of it by their LO’s age is just a passing remark. Saying their are cheap ones on marketplace is helpful information to them, but it is in now way being direct.

if you want it back, you need to directly say so and give a time frame.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 17/10/2023 09:12

Kwasi · 17/10/2023 07:36

Saying you need the cot back by a certain date is direct. Saying your LO was out of it by their LO’s age is just a passing remark. Saying their are cheap ones on marketplace is helpful information to them, but it is in now way being direct.

if you want it back, you need to directly say so and give a time frame.

They have - this Saturday

Penguinmouse · 17/10/2023 09:34

Their baby should be out of the bedside cot soon anyway because they should be pulling up so they need to get a new cot anyway. Just set a time with them and say “we need this back now”

LookItsMeAgain · 17/10/2023 09:39

As these are your DH's friends, he needs to say "John, I'll be around on Saturday to collect the cot from you. You'll have to have an alternative by then for little Alice/Ben as we need the cot from Saturday. Would 2pm be an ok time for you? Great. See you then".

Stop pussy footing around the situation.

I'd also get yourself a new mattress for the cot in the meantime.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/10/2023 09:43

OhmygodDont · 15/10/2023 17:24

You need to send a text so it’s in writing.

“ Hey, we need our cot back by Friday otherwise I’m going to have to ask that you pay for a new replacement as we now need it back as per the arrangement when we let you borrow it. “

If you haven't already responded - the above suggestion is perfect!

LookItsMeAgain · 17/10/2023 09:45

Just after seeing your update at 20:52 yesterday - brilliant update.

Make sure that your DH double checks to make sure that you're getting back all of the bits that you loaned them. You don't want to discover when you're setting the cot up beside your bed that you're missing a very important screw/bolt/whatever.

Imisssleep2 · 17/10/2023 10:40

Think I'd just turn up and say you need the cot now, and not leave till they hand it over, their taking the pee a bit now.

TheBerry · 17/10/2023 12:46

Why are you being so unassertive? You don’t need to be all “oh well the baby might be early”, “our first was out of the cot by this stage”, that is all irrelevant. It’s your cot.

Just say we need cot back back X day, we’ll come round and collect it on X.

Beautiful3 · 17/10/2023 15:00

Great message op. Update us when you pick it up. My fingers are crossed for you.

Jellytot1234 · 17/10/2023 15:02

I kind of agree with a few posts that whilst your intentions were good. Why on earth did you lend them a cot when you knew you were planning another in the near future? If you want it back, you’re going to have to actually say it.. some people don’t take hints.. even seemingly obvious ones. What a to do over a cot..

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/10/2023 15:37

Its good that you've laid down your terms and insisted. It shouldn't have needed to come to that and that is on them. Who on earth says Soon but not today to an 8 months pregnant woman.. You could hardly say that to the baby could you? You can have your cot baby, soon but not today.

So don't feel bad.

They haven't reciprocated your kindness and I'm guessing that this is extra pressure because you are in that lets get everything ready phase.
But you will find nicer friends.
Wishing you and your lovely newborn a good birth

TheOccupier · 17/10/2023 15:45

Very well done OP! Let us know when you have it back.

momonpurpose · 17/10/2023 15:49

TheOccupier · 17/10/2023 15:45

Very well done OP! Let us know when you have it back.

Yes please ! I am invested in the pickup!

wystful · 17/10/2023 17:22

Good update.
But when are you actually due? You've never answered this question?

navigatingmy20s · 17/10/2023 18:27

it’s a bedside cot which should only be used for around 6 months anyway so OP had plenty of time to lend it to them and get it back in time for her LO.

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