WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

[Honestmummydearest]

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

I don't agree with the posts saying you shouldn't have lent it out, between my and friends and I were have lent loads and saved each other a lot of money. The problem is you haven't been clear about needing it back now and let them put you off. As others have said you just need to very frank and firm - it is your cot, you need it back this week as baby is due to arrive and you don't have anything for it to sleep in, DH will call over on Friday this week after work to get the cot at 7pm, this should be enough time to get something more appropriate for their baby to sleep in.
Dont let them fob you off again, if it's "soon" say no it can't been soon as we need to back by Friday at the latest. These people are not your friends

On a point of order you aren't damaging the friendship, they are.

Just let them know you’re popping over next weekend to pick it up.
I wouldn’t lend them anything again.
They have no respect

Text from your DH's phone. "Hi, OP is getting the odd twinge so it looks like our new baby will be arriving soon. I'll be over after work tomorrow to pick up the cot."

Job's a good'un. They've had 8 months to sort out a cot for their baby.

@Honestmummydearest You are not the problem here they are!

Message to DH friends reads ….
‘Our baby is due such & such date & all my others have arrived x amount before due date therefore we will be collecting the bedside cot, we lent you, on such & such a date because need to be prepared for baby’s arrival…
…End of message.
They are taking the piss out of you & putting their child at risk of a fall having said child still in the bedside cot!

It sounds as though it’s one of those bedside cots that attaches to your bed so you’re almost but not quite co sleeping. I would have thought such a cot was actively dangerous for an 8 month old who should be in a proper cot by that age.

I agree that whilst it was given on a loan basis, it's not unreasonable of them to have assumed it was a loan until they no longer needed it. Given you must basically have been pregnant when u gave it to them, it really wasn't that helpful as you're now pushing to get it back before they are ready to transition their little one.
My DD1 had the same cot and was a small baby and stayed in it quite happily until almost 10 months.

I think it's clear from the OP that they were told it was a loan until the OP needed it back.

Given that the OP must have got pregnant around the time their child was born, it takes 9 months to make a baby and the cot is only suitable for the first few months, I don't think the OP anticipated there being any overlap between the time they were still using it and the time she needed it back.

Either way, they know the OP is about to give birth and it's the height of bad manners not to give it back now.

These people have a brass neck!

surely it’s dangerous to have an 8 month old in a next to me cot?

The recommendation for years has been new mattress for new baby. And my youngest is 20, and it was a thing back then!

I would text firmly saying hi so happy the cot has been well used just getting ready for baby to arrive I will need the cot back a week today thank you

It was obviously a loan and babies should be out of it once sitting up otherwise it's unsafe. Doesn't matter if they still fit or not. Get dh to text them saying ' hi CF, will be round on Thursday to pick up next to me cot. Thanks '

i think part of the issue is the presumption that they would do similar to you, some may use it specifically the eg 8 months, others longer

To lots of people saying, 'we need this back' isn't a specific ask. A specific ask is 'I need to collect the cot on this date'.
As PPs have said you assumed they'd use the cot in the exact same way as you. They assumed you wouldn't have given them a cot that you'd need back in less than a year. It's just a misunderstanding and not worth breaking a friendship over especially since it isn't your friendship in the first place - it's your DH's.
Don't write texts for him. He's not a DC. Just agree when he's going to get it back and leave him to arrange it with his friend.
I'm more surprised that you know someone well enough to lend them a cot but didn't visit their baby for over 8 months.

You just say 'we need it back by the end of this week, we will come to collect it on Saturday' or similar.
You don't ask, you tell. Owners can ask, or they can tell (though if borrowers are not CFs telling is never necessary). Borrowers may only ask. Those CFs are telling you and not asking, when, as it is yours, you could justifiably have told them you required it back at ANY time.

It's not a misunderstanding. They are being CFs.

You need to tell them that sorry if your dc is still using it but our baby is due imminently and so you will need it back by x date at the absolute latest.

Also never lend anything again unless you never want it back.

I'm assuming a next to me crib is the same size as a moses basket. We had our moses basket for all 5 of our dc and they used it for very varied lengths of time. Ds1 moved out of it at 8 weeks because he used to shuffle about in his sleep. Dc2 was in it until 14 months. Dc3 was in it for 9 months. Dc4 about 6 months and dc5 8 months.

I get the feeling this is a next to me crib which isn’t usually used for that long

Don’t say “I’m sorry but…” or “is it ok if…” just say “Hi Bob and Jane, lovely to see you on Saturday. Letting you know DH will be over on Wednesday at 5pm to collect our cot as we need it now. See you then!”

How many more weeks until your baby is due?
I would give them two weeks notice ( if that gives you enough time) that you will be picking it up, but say that if they would like to keep it to please transfer you £XXX by that date so that you are able to buy a new one.

@AlexandriasWindmill we were not invited before 8 months- perhaps that says it all…!

In fact at the weekend, we started off by suggesting that we would like to finally come round (weeks and weeks ago!) and were never given a date so when I say we invited ourselves round, we actually said ‘well we’ll come over this weekend then’.

Update: after some cajoling, DH text last night and said he’d be coming over this Saturday to pick it up. I laid the groundwork by texting the partner to say I need to get things in order now (hospital bag, baby clothes, cot) so I can relax in these final days, so this is when to expect us. This appears to have been accepted.

Suffice to say, I won’t be engaging any further than strictly necessary with them after this and certainly won’t be going out of my way to help them out again.

An early response suggested ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ and sadly, I think they’re right.

Message.

Hi as you know I'm about to drop and getting everything ready. DH will be around to collect the cot on Sunday at 4. Thanks

Well done OP.

These CF need to be told straight.

Somebody borrowing my dc's moses basket, when I asked for it back said but we are using at mil's. I said we need it, we'd come get it and they brought it over themselves that night.

Glad you now have a date to get it back. These people sound very odd. I wonder what your DH will discover when he goes round on Sat!