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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do all the cooking?

105 replies

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 09:03

Briefly, I work part-time.

My DH expects me to do all the housework and cooking, which is fair enough, but just occasionally I would love a meal cooked for me!
Last night he said the meals were getting a bit 'samey'. I'm no Delia Smith, but I try my very best. I cook everything from scratch and regularly batch cook. This escalated into a huge argument as I said maybe HE could try cooking occasionally- it's not solely my job. (Every other friends husband I know cooks too). He's more than capable. He even asked for cook books for Christmas just before we had our new kitchen installed, so I was looking forward to him making something occasionally, but 18 months in - nothing. Is it unreasonable of me?

I make from scratch, curries, lasagne, cottage pie, chilli, Daals, bolognaise, Risottos, Spanish Rice, Pies etc. I try to keep it varied, but it's every day and occasionally I wish he would muck in and make something too :-( I even batch cooked meals to take every day for a UK holiday recently.

I'd just like a break from it now and again, but its always met with the same argument that he works full time and I don't.

I don't know who is right or wrong here, so I just wondered what others thought?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 09:06

I tend to cook the same things week in, week out. If he has any complaints he can make his own food.

Parker231 · 14/10/2023 09:06

Why are you doing all the cooking? Take it in turns. If he doesn’t like what you are cooking, he needs to take his turn or shut up!

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:06

Don’t be a martyr

stop cooking all these meals from scratch. Cook when you want to (for both of you), and when you don’t fancy cooking from scratch - just do beans on toast or soup. If he wants to cook instead - great. If not, you still eat but much simpler!

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:07

Presumably you batch cook so for a few nights a week you just take out the freezer?

EnoughNow2023 · 14/10/2023 09:08

My DH works full time and does most of the cooking. I also work full time and do most of the kid and dog stuff.
We share household work. There isn't really a reason he can't cook sometimes just sounds like he doesn't want to.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:08

Do you have children?

Rewis · 14/10/2023 09:08

My DH expects me to do all the housework and cooking, which is fair enough
What's the story here?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/10/2023 09:10

I work part time which i wouldn't be able to do without DH wage. However we would have to pay for childcare which would financially and logistically be tricky. We are a team. I do feel that as i work less it is fair for me to take on more of the cooking and housework but not all. I couldn't put up with your DHs attitude. He should still be contributing something to your household and there is no reason why he shouldn't be taking a turn cooking on days you work and weekends.

I do most of the cooking but DH will bath the kids and help to tidy up toys. We both finish 'tasks' at the same time in the evening. Imo it shouldn't really be these are your jobs and this is mine. Yanbu

Thesearmsofmine · 14/10/2023 09:10

Of course he should cook sometimes. It can get tiresome being the only one to think of, prep and cook meals.

Takenoprisoner · 14/10/2023 09:10

Honestly you need a conversation about exactly what you've said here. you need a break, the mental load and planning for shopping can't be all on one person. what would he do if he lived alone? He'd cook for himself even if he worked full time. most of us get in from a full day at work and cook a meal for ourselves.

The reason he's complaining about the food being samey (how dare he??) is that he's stopped appreciating the effort and time that goes into meals, and thinks they appear by magic. Also I would be feeling very unappreciated and uncared for if my dh didn't cook me the occasional meal. cooking for your family is an important way of showing love in my book.

DuploTrain · 14/10/2023 09:11

What hours do you work? And do you have children?

If you started working full time do you think your DH would do half the cooking and half the housework?

Oleaginus · 14/10/2023 09:12

If you work part-time, he should do a proportionate amount of stuff around the house, otherwise he's basically living in a hotel. Your menu sounds varied - if he doesn't like it, tell him to cook what he wants to eat.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2023 09:14

Why do you work part-time - childcare, or another reason?

Anyway, everyone has to eat every day, and you both have to work some days. So I’d offer to cook on the days I wasn’t at work, and 50-50 the rest of the time. Particularly if you do all of the housework too.

billy1966 · 14/10/2023 09:15

If you don't have children, rethink this relationship.

He sounds selfish, and unappreciative.

Get back to work full-time.

He sounds like one of those men whom if you had children with, EVERYTHING would be on you to organise.

You are the house skivvy in his eyes.

Get back to work full-time.

He's no prize.

Original poster
BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 09:17

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:07

Presumably you batch cook so for a few nights a week you just take out the freezer?

This is true, but batch cooking takes time. I literally spend half my life cooking and whilst I'm happy to do the lions share as I'm p/t, it feels a tad 1940s that I should do it all every single day. If he does anything it's beans on toast or he's 'too tired to start with cooking from scratch as he's been at work all day' so then I feel like a bad wife!

OP posts:
brujarosada · 14/10/2023 09:17

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:08

Do you have children?

Sounds like she has at least one child on her hands.

OP, I would just stop cooking if I were you. Leave it to him.

ASCCM · 14/10/2023 09:17

Does he take you out or buy you a take away?? My DH cooks occasionally but takes me out to dinner at least once a week so I don’t mind!

Original poster
BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 09:18

Rewis · 14/10/2023 09:08

My DH expects me to do all the housework and cooking, which is fair enough
What's the story here?

As in I'll do the lions share - but surely occasionally he can cook something for us - he's not my child

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/10/2023 09:19

I’m pleased to hear you argued about it, rather than just meekly accepted his criticism. But if the argument changes nothing you can also push back on the expectation by just … not cooking for him. Grab a sandwich or beans on toast for one as many nights as it takes. (This works best if you’re not cooking for children/family).

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:19

You really should not need to spend “half-time life cooking”

OP - do you have children??

Silverchalk46 · 14/10/2023 09:21

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 09:03

Briefly, I work part-time.

My DH expects me to do all the housework and cooking, which is fair enough, but just occasionally I would love a meal cooked for me!
Last night he said the meals were getting a bit 'samey'. I'm no Delia Smith, but I try my very best. I cook everything from scratch and regularly batch cook. This escalated into a huge argument as I said maybe HE could try cooking occasionally- it's not solely my job. (Every other friends husband I know cooks too). He's more than capable. He even asked for cook books for Christmas just before we had our new kitchen installed, so I was looking forward to him making something occasionally, but 18 months in - nothing. Is it unreasonable of me?

I make from scratch, curries, lasagne, cottage pie, chilli, Daals, bolognaise, Risottos, Spanish Rice, Pies etc. I try to keep it varied, but it's every day and occasionally I wish he would muck in and make something too :-( I even batch cooked meals to take every day for a UK holiday recently.

I'd just like a break from it now and again, but its always met with the same argument that he works full time and I don't.

I don't know who is right or wrong here, so I just wondered what others thought?

Honestly, cheat cook. Waitrose and most supermarkets do meals premade for when you feel you need a night off. Like family size lasagna and grab some garlic bread. Easy to do and quite refreshing sometimes instead of having to cook.
In terms of asking them to cook once in a while, it's a shame that they don't just do it for you, is it that he can't cook?
Might be worth sitting him down and having a chat.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:21

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 09:17

This is true, but batch cooking takes time. I literally spend half my life cooking and whilst I'm happy to do the lions share as I'm p/t, it feels a tad 1940s that I should do it all every single day. If he does anything it's beans on toast or he's 'too tired to start with cooking from scratch as he's been at work all day' so then I feel like a bad wife!

Show quote history

I can’t understand the “doing it every single day”

cooking from scratch

it seems throughly ott and martyrish

CherryBlossom321 · 14/10/2023 09:21

You doing all of the housework and cooking is not a “fair enough” expectation.

I would be responding, “Yes, I was thinking the same - it’s so monotonous doing all of the domestic labour. I’m looking forward to whatever surprise dish you serve up for us tomorrow. Thanks darling!”

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2023 09:22

Why are you part-time, OP?

If you don’t have children, what’s the income discrepancy between you and your husband?

billy1966 · 14/10/2023 09:24

Why is your bar so low?

Why have you set yourself up as the house skivvy.

Your set up is not healthy and normal.

He has zero respect for you.

Wake up and see how awful this is.

It will get so much worse if you have children with him.