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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do all the cooking?

105 replies

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 09:03

Briefly, I work part-time.

My DH expects me to do all the housework and cooking, which is fair enough, but just occasionally I would love a meal cooked for me!
Last night he said the meals were getting a bit 'samey'. I'm no Delia Smith, but I try my very best. I cook everything from scratch and regularly batch cook. This escalated into a huge argument as I said maybe HE could try cooking occasionally- it's not solely my job. (Every other friends husband I know cooks too). He's more than capable. He even asked for cook books for Christmas just before we had our new kitchen installed, so I was looking forward to him making something occasionally, but 18 months in - nothing. Is it unreasonable of me?

I make from scratch, curries, lasagne, cottage pie, chilli, Daals, bolognaise, Risottos, Spanish Rice, Pies etc. I try to keep it varied, but it's every day and occasionally I wish he would muck in and make something too :-( I even batch cooked meals to take every day for a UK holiday recently.

I'd just like a break from it now and again, but its always met with the same argument that he works full time and I don't.

I don't know who is right or wrong here, so I just wondered what others thought?

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 09:08

CharlotteBog · 15/10/2023 09:01

You're def doing something wrong if you "literally spend half your life cooking"!

That said, of course he should cook a meal for you both now and again.

You prob need to sit down and look at how chores/paid work/free time is divided.

And there’s only 2 of them!!

smilesup · 15/10/2023 09:09

He should cool at least once a week. Especially at the weekend.
You both have it much easier than most people with kids. We both work full-time, do all the housework/cook etc and have 3 kids. Your DH only had to work. He can squeeze out meal once a week.

smilesup · 15/10/2023 09:10

I would also say why don't you meal plan together. For me the absolute worst bit of cooking is choosing things to cook.

Trampley · 15/10/2023 09:13

I do 100% of the cooking but DH would never complain about what I choose to cook, my meals are on repeat, but if I asked him to cook a few nights a month he'd have no problem doing that.

If he complained then I'd tell him he has access to shops and a kitchen.

Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 09:15

I even batch cooked meals to take every day for a UK holiday recently.

this made me chuckle for some reason

Trampley · 15/10/2023 09:15

itwasdifferentinthe90s · 14/10/2023 18:42

I feel sorry for the Op's husband she sounds incredibly lazy and entitled

Bloody hell, what the fuck? So rude and judgemental!

Trampley · 15/10/2023 09:19

smilesup · 15/10/2023 09:09

He should cool at least once a week. Especially at the weekend.
You both have it much easier than most people with kids. We both work full-time, do all the housework/cook etc and have 3 kids. Your DH only had to work. He can squeeze out meal once a week.

You have no idea if her life is 'easier' than someone with kids.

OP I think some posters are being spiteful because you don't have kids and they think you therefore must have shit loads of money, time, energy and spend your days lazing in the bath.

Parker231 · 15/10/2023 09:21

Order some of the good quality ready prepared meals from COOK and a occasional delivery from Hello Fresh. Life is short, preparing meals isn’t worth spending any time over.

Dimondsareforever · 15/10/2023 09:22

I think some posters are being a bit mean to OP! The point here is that OP does all the meal prep and cooking and DH uses the old ‘but I work more hours so why should I’. Yet he doesn’t take into account any of the hours OP works doing house work in order for them to enjoy evenings and weekends. That is 1940s. He is not a child. He should be able to cook once in a while. Nothing wrong working full time and cooking a meal! And nothing wrong with OP wanting a meal cooked for them once in a while!

What would DH do if anything happens to OP? Starve? Because ‘I work full time and can’t possibly cook’ .. I personally think he is being disrespectful.

Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 09:26

He wouldn’t starve

op said that he would cook beans on toast, takeaway or eat something processed

the issue is - she wants something cooked from scratch

Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 09:28

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 10:34

Just once a week would be nice break from cooking.

If I don't cook he will just buy processed crap and stick it in the oven though

and you simply couldn’t have this one day a week op? It needs to be cooked from scratch with a pain grumpy facial expression and lots of huffing and puffing

KombuchaKalling · 15/10/2023 09:31

DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 09:06

I tend to cook the same things week in, week out. If he has any complaints he can make his own food.

As is often the case -1st post nails it. He’s being unreasonable and needs to do his fair share of the cooking. Does he think he’s in a restaurant?! Part of the faff of doing meals is keeping it varied, whilst accommodating dislikes / allergies and it’s a hassle

margotrose · 15/10/2023 09:32

Trampley · 15/10/2023 09:19

You have no idea if her life is 'easier' than someone with kids.

OP I think some posters are being spiteful because you don't have kids and they think you therefore must have shit loads of money, time, energy and spend your days lazing in the bath.

Show quote history

On the contrary - I'm also child-free and due to my autism, I work part-time - I honestly can't imagine creating such a drama around cooking dinner for two grown adults.

OP says he'd be happy with a ready meal, beans on toast or a takeaway - but she is the one who's insisting on meals from scratch and then complaining he doesn't do his fair share.

ohdamnitjanet · 15/10/2023 09:32

What a fucking cheeky fucker. And sod taking hours sodding batch cooking for his benefit. Shove his cook book under his nose.

margotrose · 15/10/2023 09:33

ohdamnitjanet · 15/10/2023 09:32

What a fucking cheeky fucker. And sod taking hours sodding batch cooking for his benefit. Shove his cook book under his nose.

It wasn't for his benefit - it was entirely her choice to do that!

OP has said her DH would be quite happy eating ready meals, beans on toast or takeaway - she's the one who wants all her meals cooked from scratch.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 15/10/2023 09:33

Try what I did when I worked full time, 2dc and didn’t have time to faff about

an 8 week rolling menu.

yep, takes time to develop it. But means you can balance up fish, meat, vegetarian meals, rice, pasta or other carb etc. you can plan carefully around where you batch cook or utilise part of a meal made day before for next day ( ok, the multi meal chicken trick).

8 weeks is long enough cycle to not be boring and repetitive. You can switch a meal or 2 over time without too much effort. Makes shopping a breeze.

get dh to review and input into menu. Then say that’s it and no way can he complain over what he gets.

agree that he cooks a meal once per month to start , to ring changes. Allocate the day in the menu and the meal it’ll be - he only needs to cook two dishes then that he can master.

frankly, if you’re not doing paid work full time , or rearing young kids at home , it’s fair you do the cooking and yep, work a very full day at housework and paid employment . Personally I find housework Soul destroying and would be looking to increase my paid hours to afford a cleaner, gardener and being able to eat out/ takeaway once a week to get a break from cooking. Having been the soul breadwinner for 20 years in my marriage to an ill husband, having one partner a home that moans about the chore list is a short cut to resentment building. Very few people want to do housework and almost everyone would like a break from it, but you’ve chosen this option of part time working and therefore need to accept the downside of the deal.

think hard about what you’ve signed up to in dropping hours. Think about working for money more hours and using that to pay someone else to do domestic stuff.

Sugarcube84 · 15/10/2023 09:35

I do 99% of the cooking I enjoy it, I’m better and I’m home first, that being said if I’m ill or working late or out then dp obviously steps up and cooks. He will also treat me to a steak dinner at home as a ‘cheap’ date night rather than going out. I don’t dictate he must cook from scratch or try to improve his cooking skills by forcing him we gratefully eat whatever he has prepared and compliment him just as he does mine, even when it’s not his favourite.

He sticks to fancy ready meals, pizza, steak, variations on an English breakfast, a curry from a jar and rice from a packet.

All in all I get a night off and I appreciate it, perhaps you need to lower the expectations on a from scratch meal and be grateful he’s taken the load, he might even be more inclined to do a bit more.

Vettrianofan · 15/10/2023 09:36

I love being in the kitchen but sometimes I like a baked tatties night or beans on toast. Have a break - no need to be a martyr!

FrangipaniBlue · 15/10/2023 09:38

YANBU to expect your DH to cook occasionally.

YABU to dictate what he cooks though, if he wants to do beige freezer food occasionally do what?

Comtesse · 15/10/2023 09:38

Every adult should be able to cook a few meals. Having a full time job does not excuse him from this task.

And no, beans on toast is not a proper dinner for an adult, it’s ok as a fallback but he can surely do better than that.

margotrose · 15/10/2023 09:59

Comtesse · 15/10/2023 09:38

Every adult should be able to cook a few meals. Having a full time job does not excuse him from this task.

And no, beans on toast is not a proper dinner for an adult, it’s ok as a fallback but he can surely do better than that.

I'd be quite happy with beans or something on toast for dinner. It's quick, nutritious, doesn't result in loads of washing up and is filling too.

I probably have it (or an equivalent) a couple of times a week.

OneCup · 15/10/2023 11:59

During the week, I would cook from scratch but would focus on quicker meals. E.g. one day pasta, one day, meat (steak/pork chops/gammon +veg and potatoes), one day fish +veg+potatoes, one day mexican, one day jacket potato. This way, it won't take up too much of your time. Over the weekend, you could agree he cooks one meal and the other day you go to the restaurant.

Walkacrossthesand · 15/10/2023 20:22

@BobbleHatBrigade, the next time you go on holiday, please don't bust a gut batch cooking beforehand! It's an ideal time for husband to get involved in the cooking; I also second the idea of him doing a turn in the kitchen at the weekends.
It's all too easy for him to criticise what you do, when he never ever does it himself.

PeggyPiglet · 15/10/2023 20:37

I think he should cook at least once a week, but not necessarily from scratch. That seems to be a 'you' thing. He may not share the same view that everything should be from scratch. If I worked full time there's no way I'd be cooking from scratch so often as I'd be too tired. Maybe lower your standards a bit there.

That said I do find that the more 'free time' you have, the more you fill it and suddenly the longer everything takes. I can easily fill 3 hours with very few tasks and I wonder why I've got so much to do all the time.
When you're full time you somehow manage everything don't you? I think you find shortcuts because you've got no choice.

Remind me why you're part time?

Laurdo · 15/10/2023 21:13

margotrose · 14/10/2023 09:36

I mean, most people work full time and have to do all of those things.

I do think it's a bit unfair to ask him to prepare dinner at the end of the of a full day of work when you've been at home since lunchtime.

But he could cook at weekends.

Show quote history

Did you just read the list of stuff she did after work? She might not have been paid for it but she's done a full day's work as well.