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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do all the cooking?

105 replies

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 09:03

Briefly, I work part-time.

My DH expects me to do all the housework and cooking, which is fair enough, but just occasionally I would love a meal cooked for me!
Last night he said the meals were getting a bit 'samey'. I'm no Delia Smith, but I try my very best. I cook everything from scratch and regularly batch cook. This escalated into a huge argument as I said maybe HE could try cooking occasionally- it's not solely my job. (Every other friends husband I know cooks too). He's more than capable. He even asked for cook books for Christmas just before we had our new kitchen installed, so I was looking forward to him making something occasionally, but 18 months in - nothing. Is it unreasonable of me?

I make from scratch, curries, lasagne, cottage pie, chilli, Daals, bolognaise, Risottos, Spanish Rice, Pies etc. I try to keep it varied, but it's every day and occasionally I wish he would muck in and make something too :-( I even batch cooked meals to take every day for a UK holiday recently.

I'd just like a break from it now and again, but its always met with the same argument that he works full time and I don't.

I don't know who is right or wrong here, so I just wondered what others thought?

OP posts:
JMSA · 14/10/2023 11:06

Why on earth would you take your own meals on holiday?
That's not a holiday.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 11:19

JMSA · 14/10/2023 11:06

Why on earth would you take your own meals on holiday?
That's not a holiday.

It’s part of the enjoyment for a martyr

margotrose · 14/10/2023 11:21

JMSA · 14/10/2023 11:06

Why on earth would you take your own meals on holiday?
That's not a holiday.

I missed that in the OP.

That's called being a mug/martyr.

Original poster
BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 11:22

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 11:04

Know your audience OP

this is getting embarrassing!

Show quote history

Know my audience?
Just simply asking if asking DH to cook once a week is unreasonable. I didn't realise this required a niche audience 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 11:25

JMSA · 14/10/2023 11:06

Why on earth would you take your own meals on holiday?
That's not a holiday.

Because we didn't want to have to drive out every evening to eat out, the expense of eating out every night, plus we wanted to enjoy our holiday cottage in the evenings too as had a nice hot tub etc, so we agreed we would have lunches out and eat at the cottage of an evening. Obviously I got landed with the batch cooking though! I've probably set a precedence. I don't enjoy being a martyr for the record.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 11:26

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 11:19

It’s part of the enjoyment for a martyr

Show quote history

Wow

OP posts:
margotrose · 14/10/2023 11:29

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 11:25

Because we didn't want to have to drive out every evening to eat out, the expense of eating out every night, plus we wanted to enjoy our holiday cottage in the evenings too as had a nice hot tub etc, so we agreed we would have lunches out and eat at the cottage of an evening. Obviously I got landed with the batch cooking though! I've probably set a precedence. I don't enjoy being a martyr for the record.

Show quote history

But none of that meant you had to batch cook and bring food along with you. That was entirely your choice.

MrsMiagi · 14/10/2023 11:31

Part time work and no kids? Get on the internet for recipes and try new things! I assume you can work part time due to your husband working full time so I think I agree with him on this. He wants more variety and you have plenty of time. It's only for 2.
If I got to work part time, he could have whatever meal he wants lol

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/10/2023 12:02

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 11:22

Know my audience?
Just simply asking if asking DH to cook once a week is unreasonable. I didn't realise this required a niche audience 😂

Show quote history

Well focussing on this question alone yanbu. The other details of how much you work etc aren't relevant. Of course he could cook once a week or fortnight.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/10/2023 12:04

When my kids moan I ask them to find recipes to try or to make suggestions which quickly has them stumped. They know that I don't mind cooking but hate the choosing what to cook side of things

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:03

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 11:26

Wow

Show quote history

Yep

stillawip · 14/10/2023 17:38

Well, if he wants to use the “I work full time and you don’t” argument, why don’t you take him at his word and go along with it? Work out how many hours a week you work, against how many he works, and then split the cooking accordingly…”Actually, DH, you’re absolutely right, it’s not fair that you should do as much cooking as me , given that you work 35 hours a week and I only do 15…..The split should be 30/70, so which 2 days would you like to cook on? “

itwasdifferentinthe90s · 14/10/2023 18:42

I feel sorry for the Op's husband she sounds incredibly lazy and entitled

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:52

itwasdifferentinthe90s · 14/10/2023 18:42

I feel sorry for the Op's husband she sounds incredibly lazy and entitled

Yes

Original poster
BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 21:26

itwasdifferentinthe90s · 14/10/2023 18:42

I feel sorry for the Op's husband she sounds incredibly lazy and entitled

Because I would like an occasional meal cooked for me? 😂😂

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 05:36

Rest up op - you’ve got a madly busy week ahead of you of working part time (never clarified what that actually means) and cooking. EVERY DAY. FROM SCRATCH. And then…. Dog walking, hanging up laundry (for 2) and…. ??

He doesn’t want to cook. That is his prerogative. As long as he gets something on the table - whether that is a take away he orders or “beans on toast” as you say he does…. Then that’s fine. It’s a quid pro quo.

what is not on - is him criticising me as. But you don’t seem too fussed about that. You just “wanna stamp my feet and make him cook”

anareen · 15/10/2023 05:47

I went through this EXACT situation. I cooked and cleaned every day. Made things from scratch and always made sure things were healthy. No microwave or frozen stuff. I wanted a break also and was made to feel like I didn't deserve it because he worked and I didn't. He didn't feel he had to take his dishes to the sink, get his own drink, make up his own plate, have to put his clothes in the laundry basket, clean up his mess when he would shave or even grab his own towel after a shower! I would make his coffee in the morning, start his vehicle, gather his clothes. When it was winter I would even put his clothes in the dryer for a bit so they were warm....... I could go on forever.

All I can say is "men" like that don't change and I eventually filed for a personal protection order and we are currently going through a criminal case as well. It can escalate. Maybe not in all situations.

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. Those kind of people are toxic, manipulative sometimes even narcissistic. They have no regard for others and it only gets worse.

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:56

He's a cheeky fucker complaining about what you cook. That's all the comment I've got.

Abracadabra12345 · 15/10/2023 08:16

Why not relieve the load and have something simple like egg and chips (yum!) or as others have suggested, a takeaway once a week, or a posh ready meal, or a simple all day breakfast or - always my go-to - jacket potatoes? All these will simplify and relieve the load and drudge - and I do get it. That will also add variety to the very nice but time- consuming meals you cook from scratch. And I agree: if you double up and freeze meals every time then there are plenty of days you are simply taking something out of a freezer as you reach for that bolognaise mix or the other half of that pie. You don't have to do a huge batch cook.

He's not going to cook for you. You have to explain to him why this matters so much, and if he refuses then you have to accept it and be glad you can work part time even without children.

As they say, you can't control what others do (to an extent) but you can control what you do. There are so many things you can do to extend and simplify your repertoire and not cook from scratch each day

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/10/2023 08:48

I don't see an issue with you doing cooking and cleaning as you work PT compared to his FT as long as he's not expecting you to pick up after him, skivvy or expecting show home standards.

But his comment regarding the food being samey would piss me right off. How dare he complain when he gets home cooked meals plated up for him? I'd be cooking for myself from now on and he can sort himself out. Cheeky cunt.

nobleisle · 15/10/2023 08:52

If my husband only worked mornings I would expect him to cook. On the weekends however it would be nice for your husband to cook for you

Curiosity101 · 15/10/2023 08:57

I totally agree with you OP. Him cooking once a week isn't exactly unreasonable, especially if he has complaints. If you did all the housework and cooked 6 out of 7 nights a week then does it really matter if he works full time?!

Some things that might help though:

  • Keep a physical/digital list somewhere of all the meals on rotation. I saw something once where people had them written down on slips of paper and in a little plastic bowl and then they did a lucky dip to meal plan for the week.
  • Give him a choice that he must meal plan for the week with you or you will ignore his complaints
  • Remind yourself you're not a paid personal chef :D
CharlotteBog · 15/10/2023 09:01

You're def doing something wrong if you "literally spend half your life cooking"!

That said, of course he should cook a meal for you both now and again.

You prob need to sit down and look at how chores/paid work/free time is divided.

Multipleexclamationmarks · 15/10/2023 09:03

You say he'll cook beans on toast - not good enough for you.
You say he'll cook "processed crap" not healthy enough for you.
But then you're complaining he doesn't cook...

mrsbyers · 15/10/2023 09:04

Sit down with him and make a meal
plan and allocate two nights per week that either he cooks or he pays for takeaway - he might have more time at weekends ?

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