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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost it with this man on the school run?

117 replies

PossiblyALunatic · 13/10/2023 21:55

I’d been driving through a narrow street with lots of parked cars. A man tapped on my window and asked me why I had driven around him whilst he’d been waiting.

I honestly wasn’t aware that I’d done this. I must have just assumed he was a parked car as I definitely wouldn’t have pushed in front of someone like that deliberately. I’ve had a lot going on lately including a recent bereavement. It was early in the morning and I was acting somewhat on autopilot.

Yet instead of calmly explaining this and apologizing, I started screaming, ‘Because I’m a fucking piece of shit and don’t deserve this life, clearly. The world would be a much better place if I wasn’t here.’ All in front of my DS.

What would you do? Should I report this to my GP? I’m already seeing a counsellor about the bereavement. Should I not be driving if I’m in this state? I do really need to drive to get my DS to school though and there are limits to the number of times I can keep asking others to help out.

OP posts:
AbbeyGailsParty · 14/10/2023 08:45

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is very recent in terms of grieving and I think you can forgive yourself for this mistake.
There are organisations that support parents who have lost a child and if your other dc need support I can personally recommend Winston’s Wish.

5128gap · 14/10/2023 08:55

The important part is not whether he deserved it, whether you should be driving, or that you shouted OP. It's what you shouted.
Your feelings are not uncommon with the loss you've experienced but need to be processed with professional support.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/10/2023 09:05

This happens all the time outside my DC school, you can’t tell who is parked and who has pulled in to let oncoming traffic through. It’s obvious that you didn’t see him, he’s a busybody for pulling you up on it. Don’t worry, you were having a bad day.

BabbleBee · 14/10/2023 09:10

I don’t think there’s any kind of ‘normal’ reaction to anything when you’re grieving the loss of a child.

Chat to your counsellor about your feelings around the situation but I wouldn’t give the man another thought.

Be kind to yourself Flowers

SoShallINever · 14/10/2023 09:16

I am so sorry for your loss. Also sorry that you are expected to process it with 5 therapy sessions.
I don't think you need to give up driving OP. I think you need to get out there, slowly rebuilding your confidence. I just wanted to say that in the circumstances you are doing really well to be out of bed in the morning with the kids ready for school.
Small steps OP, making time to do something for yourself each day, even if it's only as simple as buying a cake or taking your coffee outside to drink, can really help.

ilovesushi · 14/10/2023 09:18

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't feel bad about the incident. You are dealing with so much. The guy was a bit of an arse and you snapped. xxx

Daisychaisy · 14/10/2023 09:18

I’m so sorry for your loss. You poor thing. Don’t give that man another thought, he was being a busybody and if he has an ounce of self awareness would recognise you were in a state because of other issues.

But, Yes, go to the GP. Do it for your DS, even if you don’t feel like doing it for yourself.

FWIW my mum used to scream a lot when I was a child (she still does) - because of unprocessed grief from her own childhood - and it was/is incredibly upsetting and damaging to me, even if I pretended to be fine.

But it’s not about whether you should drive or not, since that’s clearly not a choice for you, it’s about you accessing more support. Recognising you are not ok. The time after death is so traumatic, just take each day one by one. Some things that helped me in difficult days after the death of my partner: physically look after yourself as best you can, try to include something that brings you some glimpse of happiness (in my case, reading books, going for a walk while DS is at school, taking a bath), and if you want to, talk to people: I found people will want to help, and sometimes the biggest support comes from the least expected (my oldest best mate was USELESS!, a woman I barely knew, met through work, but who had lost her husband ten years ago was amazing). I’m thinking of you OP, it’s so tough, but see your GP.

problembottom · 14/10/2023 09:26

Please be kind to yourself OP. A few months after my brother was killed I lost my shit at the airport when someone pushed in. In front of my young DD which was just awful. My reaction terrified me, I’m normally quiet and considered.

It didn’t happen again though, this could be a one-off. I’m sorry about your DS.

NOTANUM · 14/10/2023 09:31

I just want to say how sorry I am to read your post.

Regarding the man, I wouldn’t give him another thought. He may have had some cause - we have lots of poor driving where I live and it can be wearing - but it’s irrelevant and I’m sure he’s gone away feeling a bit bad for triggering your trauma.

Are your other child/children having counselling? If not, may I recommend Grief Encounters who do great individual and group counsellors for children.

Timewasterextraordinaire · 14/10/2023 09:40

Op I’m sorry for your loss , I can’t even imagine how I would feel . The man should not have approached you - we’ve all had people drive round us like that - we all do slightly daft things from time to time . We are all human and the world should really rub along with that in mind .Often it does. That man might have learnt something by you losing it .

This has been a warning to you too that you are a bit on auto pilot and I’m sure you will compensate accordingly when driving .

I have no experience of counselling and what you should and shouldn’t be doing , as far as grieving goes though it is very early days - give yourself time

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 09:42

I am so sorry to hear about your son OP.

Don’t make this more than it is in terms of driving. It doesn’t mean you are about to start road rage incidents on the motorway. Of course you can drive. You were just letting out some emotion.

If you aren’t sure about a counsellor you’ve been seeing since May I would make a change. If you think you are generally struggling to cope, see your GP re whether some medication would help. If it’s a one off and you don’t think it’s necessary then don’t - we all loose it sometimes.

Don’t worry about the bloke - it’ll have been very evident to him from what you said that you were having a very bad time.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/10/2023 09:49

I think you need to see your GP again. I'd say your response, whilst dramatic for all who witnessed it and was disproportionate, is absolutely normal and understandable for somebody in your circumstances and timeline.

Is it half term soon? That break from the school run routine might help.

Is your DS also accessing support? He might find it helpful to be able to talk about not just your loss, but what his feelings are about witnessing your grieving - again, absolutely normal in the circumstances, as it can be very helpful for children.

It's not a failure to be in pain. It's not a failure for that to be seen. What matters is that you are aware that you need more help and to seek that help whilst carrying such a terrible pain as a mother and as a family so you can all find your way together.

Stressfordays · 14/10/2023 09:52

When I was going through a bereavement and a marriage breakdown at the same time, I lived in 'fight' mode. I felt like a ball of rage and would kick off at anything. I started on medication and slowly went through the process of counselling and CBT. It did calm down and now I'm back to myself again. Please go and see your GP.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 14/10/2023 09:54

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 14/10/2023 06:28

How were you supposed to know he wasn’t parked but was “waiting” (aka parked) and why wouldn’t it be obvious to him that you assumed he was parked? I think you just met a knob and I don’t think you really need to apologise at all. I’m so sorry for your loss.

This.

The OP had right of way as he had to cross/join into her traffic?

I'm so sorry that your DS lost his life, OP. That's a huge loss for everyone. I really wish your outburst wasn't so self-deprecating. You DO deserve to live, and live well.

Ggttl · 14/10/2023 09:57

I agree with @Zzizzisnotzeproblem people are parked and double parked all over the place on school runs. He sounds like he was just being a dick.

Stopsnowing · 14/10/2023 10:01

I lost it in a similar way when I was recently bereaved and bothered by a chugger. I also drove round a car once because I thought it was stationary. Don’t post on Facebook. Speak to your counsellor.

PortalooSunset · 14/10/2023 10:19

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2023 07:46

This isn’t very helpful is it ? OP has lost a child and is grieving - it’s not just a case of not being aware. The practicalities of life have to go on.

Show quote history

Op only posted that she'd lost a child almost an hour after I posted. Apologies for not being psychic like Confused

But I stand by that if you're too distracted you shouldn't be driving. How do you know I haven't lost someone to a distracted driver @Rosscameasdoody?

PortalooSunset · 14/10/2023 10:27

@PossiblyALunatic I'm so sorry you've lost your child Flowers

i think speaking with your GP may be helpful. Certainly speak to your counsellor. Were you aware that those feelings were inside you or did what you said shock you as much as just shouting at a stranger?

Fingeronthebutton · 14/10/2023 10:47

Far better for your mental health to have a rant than keeping it bottled up.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 14/10/2023 10:55

Mixed. The man probably got your back up with his tone/attitude as well, and there's no doubt in my mind that he wouldn't have approached another man with that 'complaint'.

But do talk to your counsellor if you have any concerns about your reaction.

I'm sorry for your loss.

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 10:56

there's no doubt in my mind that he wouldn't have approached another man with that 'complaint'
Why? You think there are no instances of road rage involving men?

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 14/10/2023 11:00

Of course there are incidents involving men, but far more men are aggressive to women then other men. Countless stories about men approaching lone women to shout at, etc in cars, but generally quickly back away if the driver actually turns out to be a man.

neverbeenskiing · 14/10/2023 11:05

I think there should be a special place in hell for male road users who like to intimidate lone women over small, simple mistakes. Getting out of his car and tapping on your window was totally unnecessary. Even if you weren't trying to come to terms with an unimaginable loss, you would not have been unreasonable to lose your temper with him in that scenario.

Tara336 · 14/10/2023 11:07

I wouldn't worry too much I am going through something similar and I completely lost it with another dog walker the other day. Normally I would have just rolled my eyes and had a moan to DH when I got home but the woman caught me just at the wrong moment, I'd had some more bad news, was tired and just wanted to be left alone. She got the full force of my temper as she started acting like an idiot and shouting at me (she's done it before and I ignored her) but that day I'd just had enough and yelled back, I shocked myself to be honest but was glad I'd said what I was thinking for once. Obviously if it keeps happening I'd speak to someone but I think its pretty normal in the circumstances (rightly or wrongly)

SophieinParis · 14/10/2023 12:13

PossiblyALunatic · 13/10/2023 23:02

Nothing. He just drove off. I’ve been thinking about posting in the local FB group to say how very sorry I am and to explain a bit more about the situation.

Show quote history

No! why would you do this? You aren’t sorry, and nor should you be. You weren’t insulting to him, you weren’t aggressive to him, you just had a but of a breakdown in front of him. He should be the one seeking you out to apologise as his intimidating tapping obviously triggered you.

You’ve had a horrible time, and have experienced basically one of the worst things ever. I think some irrational emotional outbursts, child present or not, is to be totally expected tbh.

You can still drive! I’ve driven round queuing cars thinking they were parked before, and have had it done to me, it’s a thing, it happens, no big deal. It’s not like it’s on a level akin to drink driving or ploughing into a pedestrian crossing or going the wrong way round a roundabout.

Forget about this man, move on from your outburst and continue to work through your grief. And be nice to yourself.