To have lost it with this man on the school run?

[PossiblyALunatic]

I’d been driving through a narrow street with lots of parked cars. A man tapped on my window and asked me why I had driven around him whilst he’d been waiting.

I honestly wasn’t aware that I’d done this. I must have just assumed he was a parked car as I definitely wouldn’t have pushed in front of someone like that deliberately. I’ve had a lot going on lately including a recent bereavement. It was early in the morning and I was acting somewhat on autopilot.

Yet instead of calmly explaining this and apologizing, I started screaming, ‘Because I’m a fucking piece of shit and don’t deserve this life, clearly. The world would be a much better place if I wasn’t here.’ All in front of my DS.

What would you do? Should I report this to my GP? I’m already seeing a counsellor about the bereavement. Should I not be driving if I’m in this state? I do really need to drive to get my DS to school though and there are limits to the number of times I can keep asking others to help out.

WWID? I'd want to give you a hug tbh.

Oh, gosh - I’m so awfully sorry.

Your line about not being sure your counselling is with the right person caught my eye @PossiblyALunatic- the right person makes all the difference.
If you’re unhappy or uncomfortable with your current therapist, don’t hesitate to find someone else. Most therapists won’t even mind - they understand that not everyone is a good fit.
Make sure they’re the right age and gender and the right temperament. Maybe someone you know like your GP can make a recommendation.
Good luck - you’re in my heart.❤️

I'd leave it. Don't try to find the guy. You don't need to explain

Try to make it right with your child and get some more help.

You've been through a hell of a time and need regular support

How were you supposed to know he wasn’t parked but was “waiting” (aka parked) and why wouldn’t it be obvious to him that you assumed he was parked? I think you just met a knob and I don’t think you really need to apologise at all. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss
When I lost my son, I kept going and looked ok but I was really quite unwell. I only realise how bad when I look back and it was three years ago now.
You're doing right to notice this and know you need more help which is good. Have you looked into CBT? It can be very effective. What support do you have day to day? Have you someone you can talk to?
Here for a pm too- chat away about him if that helps.
I think reaching out to your GP is a good first step, and depending on his age you might have a local SANDS group or other types of groups, and spending time with others going through the same thing can be really cathartic.

This scenario is a very good example of 'you never know what someone is going through' isn't it?

OP I am so very sorry for your huge loss.

The first year or so of grief is a bit of a shit show. Sometimes you'll be unreasonable. Sometimes you'll be a bitch. Forgive yourself for that.

Talk to your DC, it's okay to explain to them that you were really missing your DS and your sadness made you snappy (in an age appropriate way of course I don't know their age). I think it's actually important for them to see you feel your feelings and identify where they're coming from - it will give them permission to also acknowledge theirs.

If this is a one off, I wouldn't stress about it. If it's something you're struggling with day to day and you feel you can't control it then yes seek some extra help.

Your child died only 5 months ago

Your reaction to the man was frightening but understandable.

Please don't beat yourself up, seek more support. Have you tried calling CRUSE? Or Samaritans - you can call them over and over again just to discuss anything.

Talk to your counsellor. You know it's an overreaction but given the circumstances it's normal to have outbursts like this.

Don’t give the man any more thought. I doubt he would have tapped on a large menacing looking man’s car window. Maybe he will think twice in the future about trying to intimidate people.

Lots of counsellors do sessions via zoom, maybe ask for recommendations or speak to a couple to see if you gel with them. Emdr may be an option if you have ptsd.

I'm so sorry about your son.

"Don’t give the man any more thought. I doubt he would have tapped on a large menacing looking man’s car window. Maybe he will think twice in the future about trying to intimidate people. "

I was just about to say the same thing - he's a bully and not worth worrying about.

You're going through just about the worst thing imaginable. Be kind to yourself and get help where you need it.

I would talk to your counsellor about it for your sake, but don’t beat yourself up. Window tapper has learnt a valuable lesson. If he goes around tapping on people’s windows to point out their minor mistakes, he won’t get a positive reaction. I suspect there are quite a few window tappers on mumsnet though!

I hope he has learned a valuable lesson about not going round tapping on people’s car windows. Officious little twat. He wouldn’t have done it to a man.

This isn’t very helpful is it ? OP has lost a child and is grieving - it’s not just a case of not being aware. The practicalities of life have to go on.

Dont post anything on your local group, he will have got the message there’s something else going on and he might think twice before approaching people to “tell them off” so I see this as a silver lining.

Sit your DC down and explain your emotions, tell them it’s not normal to do that but you lost control, you are struggling. It’s completely normal in your situation and maybe your DC is feeling the same but unsure how to process / explain.

I lost a baby during pregnancy and I had thoughts I wasn’t good enough, all very negative emotions towards myself. I think for some it’s part of the grieving process. We want to protect our babies and feel like on some level we failed, which leads to anger.

I am sorry for your loss, it isn’t your fault, you are a great parent.

Dont beat yourself up about this. Your angry at your loss and this is normal, the man was just collectable damage. I lost my Darling Daughter and I went for a sales woman in Millets who practically called me a liar over a sales item, the worst bit was my DH didnt take my side and I was furious with him too. I was in the right but I didnt need to go off like that. What I mean is just be kind to yourself you will get through this very hard time.

He’s a mansplaining bully and if you had also been a mansplaining bully he would have got a lot worse response. I don’t think you should give him another moment’s thought. Look after yourself, see your GP if you think you need to. I’m sorry for your terrible loss.

You have suffered a terrible bereavement and getting hassle on the road is stressful.

If someone had passed me in the car, I’d just have left it, not got out and window tapped. I think you are doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances and therefore don’t think your response is a problem. And he will probably think twice about pulling people up on non-dangerous minutiae in the future.

Don’t be hard on yourself, and I definitely don’t think this one moment means you have to take yourself off the roads! (In the best of times we all do things like this if a situation isn’t clear, and I’ve had people go around me too in a queue - it’s not a massive deal).
Try to let your mind leave that instant behind, you’ll likely never see that guy again. If they’re old enough you can explain to your DS how you feel about it and give them whatever reassurance you can. This episode won’t define your (or DS’) life, and you’re obviously emotionally intelligent and making huge effort at a terrible time to work through your feelings. X

I guess I'm in the minority but maybe he'll think twice before he starts harassing a lone mum and child over a simple and harmless driving error. What the fuck was he trying to accomplish apart from intimidating you?

To me there's something really creepy and aggressive about going up to a car window. Not long ago I was just settling into my car, about to set off, and a lady knocked on my window. I hadn't heard her coming and she scared the shit out of me. If was dark out but she tried to show me some parcel, like maybe something misdelivered? But I just shouted, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY CAR. And I don't regret it.

Oh OP this sounds like a horrible experience for you, but not know that you need to beat yourself up for.

Firstly, I think most of us who drive have made an error like passing a waiting car on the assumption it's parked (my DH once sailed past a whole queue of waiting cars for that very reason). It happens and is not the end of the world.

as for your reaction, when we are experiencing strong feelings such as grief, it's quite normal to snap at completely unrelated things. Often we are repressing feelings and when poked, these feelings all come flying out.

it would definitely be worth talking the experience through with your counsellor. Hopefully they'll be able to help you make more sense of what happened.

But for now, be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm not surprised you're struggling at times. You're doing well to be functioning right now.
Unless you're desperately short of time (I HRTFT), I'd park a bit further away and walk the last few minutes from a quieter area.
In your circumstances I also think you absolutely can ask for help. I picked up a nurse's son for a couple of years due to her shifts and a friend of mine picked DD up for me following major surgery at one point. If you can trust them I'm sure another parent would gladly help. I know I would for you. Be gentle with yourself.

Stupid question from him. Obviously you didn't see him. I've seen people make this easy mistake. He approached you unnecessarily, because you were a woman alone with a child.

No need to apologise on fb or elsewhere.

After what you've been through, it's no surprise that you flipped.

Do you feel any better for it? Have you chatted to your son?

Don't worry about the man OP. You didn't attack him. He just happened to be there when you let what is in the inside out. If you haven't already, you need to let that out to a person who can support you with the feelings. Yes, do tell your GP. When you have a safe space to share those thoughts it will help you prevent them spilling out at other times.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP, and of course your response was not the response of a happy person and would have upset your ds. However, your not realising he was “waiting” was an easy mistake to make in the situation. He was trying to humiliate you because you were an easy target and he was annoyed by your mistake (as anyone would be), but what sort of a response did he expect? What use is a grovelling apology or a thump on the nose? What other sort of response is likely and would he have done the same to another man, rather than a woman with a small child? You should pick your battles and he picked the wrong one. Also, how could he be waiting and not parked if he was able to get out of his car to go over and harass you?