I give £500 to pay towards rent and bills and I’ve always just paid for everything for the kids even from when I was pregnant, so it’s just stuck really. He hasn’t bought one bottle, one piece of nursery furniture, one item of clothing or present for them - I’ve just always covered everything for them on my own.
Then with childcare he told me before I went back from maternity leave that it’s better if I don’t work and we claim full UC and that if I decide to go to work, he’s telling me now that he won’t pay for childcare as it’s an expense created by me choosing to go back to work. So I’ve just had to cover it.
He used to pay for food and toiletries then told me he’s got himself into debt and is now paying back £500 a month on loans and credit cards so I have to cover food etc as well.
He keeps mentioning that he needs another £250 a month from me, as he’s living in his overdraft. I told him I don’t have that, but he said that’s my PIP so I should give him that. I have held firm with this and said I don’t have the money, but he told me I must be wasting money and started saying I should give him my money each month and he will pay for everything as he will budget better. I asked him if he’s being serious - someone paying £500 back a month on debt and who lives in their overdraft is better with money?
Told him I won’t budge on that, I’m not giving him all my money as he won’t think to buy things the DC need. For example, I bought DD2 baby clothes this month and he told me off, saying she doesn’t need clothes. She’s 17 months old so I’m buying the 18month- 2years clothes as her other bits are too small. DD1s school dresses for last year are too small but he told me just put tights with them and not buy new ones? I can’t have them walking around in small/tight-fitting clothing, which they will do if he’s in charge of everything!
I have BPD, but possible autism and ADHD. No medication has worked so far, work became more difficult to manage when pregnant, so got signed off, went on maternity leave, came back 4 days a week and cried at work most days. Work very kindly offered 2 days a week and said I can go to 3 days next year if I feel better. I’m sure I will be able to manage better once I get the right treatment and if I find out if there are any other things going on with me.
I do want to leave but he says I’d be selfish and not thinking of how it will affect our DDs. That I’d be taking them away from their dad. I’m on the tenancy until November, don’t have a deposit for another place, wouldn’t be able to get a big enough place for us on my wage alone and most landlords don’t accept UC. DH asked how I would cope on my own and how I would even get to work when I’m too anxious to drive. He drives me to work and DD1 to school so told me even with that alone, I’d be screwed. Other things like he’d get the kids as I have BPD, or he’ll tell them I decided to break up the family. I do feel stuck here and I’m trying to think of a way out, but might have to come up with a long term plan. It won’t be a case of being able to just throw him out or anything, as we’re both on the tenancy and if he did leave, I still wouldn’t be able to get to work or get DD1 to school. He would then withhold £500 to cover rent and bills and I’d be screwed that way as well.
I just stupidly thought today might be a bit different. He might get a card or cheap flowers, or a box of chocolates. That I might wake up and be greeted with a ‘happy birthday’ or be told I’m loved. Just something that was different to the norm so would make today feel special. He’s after a bit of cake that I bought myself and as petty as this sounds, I think he can go and kiss my arse.