To expect to have a good birthday in my 30s?

[CutiePatooties]

It’s my birthday today and I woke up to nothing from DH. When I first woke up he didn’t even say happy birthday for a while. Started to wonder if I got the day wrong (!)

Had a great day at work really - I love my job, so that was a highlight of my birthday tbh. It’s a shame I had to drop to part-time hours really and I’m working with managers to try and gradually increase them as I get better.

Went to my mum’s and because she knew DH wasn’t getting me anything and we have no money to celebrate, she’d left £60 in a card, got me a box of chocolates, wine and some flowers. Got home and opened the birthday cake I bought myself (sad, I know) and going to drink my wine and have a bit of a cry.

DH said I have to spend the £60 she gave me on a food shop this week, because he doesn’t have the money to buy food. I’ve dropped down to part-time hours and now claim UC (due to poor health) but they worked out what I earn based on last month’s wage which was close to full time pay so I’m over £300 short this month and I pay for everything for our DC, give DH £500, pay childcare costs, for all food and toiletries and just don’t have the money to spend on myself. Haven’t had a hair cut for about 9 months - I look like a tramp tbh.

My friend offered to take me and DDs out for dinner but because he’s male, DH obviously said no. So just sat in front of the television drinking wine, wondering how I ended up here.

I spoke to women’s aid today. I told them I felt a bit silly coming to them, but they asked me to tell them what life is like and said just take it from there.

They echoed what people have told me on here - that he is manipulative, is emotionally and financially abusing me and said that I don’t need an S21, I can just leave now based on the financial abuse and be housed as due to the financial abuse I can’t leave on my own to get another privately rented place. They told me the children would be better in a home where they’re not exposed to this abuse.

He came home while I was talking to them, so I had to end the chat but she gave me an ID number so I can go back to the chat tomorrow.

I’m now worried what the council will think - I’ve emailed them about the S21 and LL evicting us to sell the property so I can hardly throw in a completely different reason now. It will look really off. I've scuppered a chance to be rid of him, haven’t I?

Your life sounds depressing. Life isn't supposed to be like that. He doesn't deserve you. Really hope next year you have an amazing birthday.

I'm sure you haven't lost your chance to get out of this @CutiePatooties. Call Women's Aid back tomorrow. Hang in therem

All your posts have been so so difficult to read. He sounds truly disgusting. Contrary to the poison he's been spewing, you would be doing the absolute best thing by your girls by leaving this sorry excuse for man. Show them a strong woman that knows her worth, you may not feel that way now, but you will when you get away from him. It will probably be very hard for all the reasons you have mentioned but it will be so amazing to look back and be proud of yourself for getting yourself and your kids out of this situation. Wishing you all the luck in the world ❤️ and keep us updated x

You're not his mum. He is using you for money, does he have addiction issues?
Get rid of this hobosexual because I bet he is bumming in YOUR flat as well.

Cut that anchor off your neck x

Well done OP on making that call! 👏

Call women's aid back. You haven't ruined your chances, you are just panicking.

Being given notice is your ticket away from him. Take it!

You can do this op. He's ground you down so you think you can't. But you can. Take the help from WA.

I can guarantee part of your problem of struggling mentally is an OH problem, he is emotionally and financially abusing you and if you could get away with him I expect financially you would be a lot better off without having to give him money to pay his debts! Is there a chance your landlord would just put you on the tenancy renewal?

Just seen the last update -

No I wouldn't say it's scuppered your chances, I would just be honest, explain what you've said on here, things haven't been good for a while, the section 21 has kicked started you thinking about leaving him and you were told to contact women's aid and whilst speaking to them they told you you could leave before due to how bad things are which you didn't realise was possible.

This is your fresh start! You and the girls will be so much happier without him. My ex was emotionally abusive the same saying I couldn't see certain friends etc. I lost so many friends due to him but since being split I've rebuilt some of those relationships, the friends knew at the time what he was like so they understood. You will rebuild a life for you and the girls and it's not to say there will not be hard moments but you will all be the better for it.

OP, you haven’t scuppered your chances - you grab hold of this life line, close your eyes and swing!

Call Women’s Aid back ASAP, do everything they tell you. Don’t stop to think CAN you do it, or listen to what stuff he says. Go into DO mode. Just DO it. In 3 months, you can sit down and think about it and go back if you want. But you won’t want too! It’ll be hard, but you CAN do it!

Seriously OP. We only get one life. I would not want to spend one day of my life in your shoes. I says that not to be an arse, but instead to fire you up to know you don’t have to spend another day like it either! Better days are ahead!

@CutiePatooties it's good to read you've seen the light and realised that your OH is manipulative and controlling. You need to escape this relationship - do NOT let him bully you into thinking that if you leave it will ruin your kids lives!

I have crappy birthdays too. My DH is thankfully not financially manipulative, but other than spending 10 minutes each day taking the kids up to bed, then school run one day a week, his life hasn't changed at all and he just seems to expect to get to do what he wants.

It was my birthday too last week. He got me a cup of tea in bed which was lovely, except I then realised the only reason he did this was because he wanted to watch the motor racing on his phone which started very early. He then snapped at the kids for being too loud giving me gifts (sweets and chocolate - not a very ME gift, but the kids like them!) and we did nothing all day. No outing, no cake. I ordered a curry in the end as I was bored, and I feel like such a mug for thinking he would have organised something given it was a weekend!

Speak to your mum as although she hasn't got space, she can support you emotionally and help you organise things. Let her know EXACTLY what is going on. I'd also let the council know you want to be housed on your own with the kids and let them know you are in touch with women's aid due to financial manipulation.

Well this is domestic abuse.

Financial abuse. Emotional abuse. Coercive control.

The freedom program would help you.

OP haven't heard from you in a while. Did you take action or make a plan? Hope you are OK??

@toadasoda I couldn’t get through to Women’s Aid again until just now. They gave me a number for a local place to me who can help get me out of here and into social housing with just me and the kids. Just tried that number but they’re closed from 2.30pm onwards, so have to wait until 9.30am tomorrow to phone them. I’ve got a feeling they will be hard to get hold of as well, but I’ll just keep trying.
Women’s Aid said this local contact they’ve provided, will speak to the council on my behalf and help to get us away from him and into another home that’s more secure for us. I need to sort all our things and arrange storage, but lettings have said they’re going to inspect the property tomorrow so can’t get things boxed etc until they’ve been and gone, as needs to look tidy. I’ve had to cancel a uk break I had planned for over new year, as I haven’t managed to pay the remaining £500 and now been told that as I’ve cancelled that, they’re taking the £287 I’ve already paid over the year and I now owe £75 to them that I haven’t got!

Oh the irony at moaning about one birthday, when my whole life has completely gone to s**t!! Think the sting of £287 going down the drain and owing £75 I haven’t got, has tipped me over the edge as I’m just crying on and off. It’s one thing after another!

I couldn’t get hold of the other place, so I phoned the council and a lady told me that I’d have to be fleeing for them to house me in terms of domestic violence. She said I’d have to pack bits up now and they would put me in emergency accommodation- most likely a B&B, which could be anywhere that’s available (so may be far from school/work etc). I told her about him saying he would get the kids as I have BPD and she said she can’t help with regards to that, I’d need to speak to a solicitor. Woman at Women’s Aid said as he’s on the birth certificate, he can take the children and the police wouldn’t be able to get involved. Lots to worry about and lots to try and sort.
The woman from the council suggested to me that I should stay where I am for now and try to go to the prevention appointment alone and tell the housing officer I’m wanting to apply without him. I can’t see him accepting me going down on my own though. How would I persuade him not to come down with me?
This is a bit of a mess!

Keep trying the local domestic service service op. They should be able to best advise. I'd also try and get to the housing appointment alone if you can- explain what's going on to them.

I'm sorry about the holiday, have you double checked their terms and conditions to see if they are correct in their charges?

Keep going. It's the hardest but but it will get better.