To expect to have a good birthday in my 30s?

[CutiePatooties]

It’s my birthday today and I woke up to nothing from DH. When I first woke up he didn’t even say happy birthday for a while. Started to wonder if I got the day wrong (!)

Had a great day at work really - I love my job, so that was a highlight of my birthday tbh. It’s a shame I had to drop to part-time hours really and I’m working with managers to try and gradually increase them as I get better.

Went to my mum’s and because she knew DH wasn’t getting me anything and we have no money to celebrate, she’d left £60 in a card, got me a box of chocolates, wine and some flowers. Got home and opened the birthday cake I bought myself (sad, I know) and going to drink my wine and have a bit of a cry.

DH said I have to spend the £60 she gave me on a food shop this week, because he doesn’t have the money to buy food. I’ve dropped down to part-time hours and now claim UC (due to poor health) but they worked out what I earn based on last month’s wage which was close to full time pay so I’m over £300 short this month and I pay for everything for our DC, give DH £500, pay childcare costs, for all food and toiletries and just don’t have the money to spend on myself. Haven’t had a hair cut for about 9 months - I look like a tramp tbh.

My friend offered to take me and DDs out for dinner but because he’s male, DH obviously said no. So just sat in front of the television drinking wine, wondering how I ended up here.

Your birthday is the least of your concerns, you need to sort shit out and leave this ‘man’ asap.

Please leave. You deserve so much better.

Happy birthday ❤

He is controlling you. Find a way to leave. And of course children need new clothes of theirs are too small

Someone suggested moving in with mum, but my parents don’t have the room. They’ve got a 3 bed house and 2 of my brothers are still at home. No room for me and my DDs, plus my brother is an alcoholic who was always violent growing up (even when we were children) so couldn’t put the children in that environment anyway.

I’ll try and save a bit of money each month from this month (when things will be better). Will have to try and save for a deposit and work my way up to full time hours again so I can get us somewhere to live, away from him. I am scared of him blaming me and badmouthing me to the girls when they’re older though. Being told I will not cope on my own makes me scared too.

I’ve had enough of fighting everything. Had to fight to go back to work, having to fight to keep my friend, having to fight for nice things or to be shown I’m special on my birthday, having to fight to get the basics for my kids, having to fight to keep my PIP money and having to fight to be in control of my own money. I opened the wine and he made a comment that I’m ‘on the booze then,’ and I’ve just realised I haven’t had a drink in 3 years, as we used to drink a bottle of wine every Friday night but he then stopped drinking with me and then he started commenting on me drinking alone and how weird that was, to the point where I didn’t enjoy it any more and now I don’t have a drink. I’ve ended up putting my glass in the fridge and haven’t even had the wine in the end. This birthday is the worst!

Kick him out.
Seriously, pack his bags, if he won’t leave, phone the police. Please don’t allow your kids to be exposed to this any more.

I'm a guy and I tend to keep out of these sort of discussions because I'm never sure if my perspective is welcome but fuck that... this guy is disgusting. Your second update was really hard to read.

He's abusive, coercive and controlling. He's not even making a half arsed defence of himself to convince you to stay. He's convincing you to stay by highlighting all of the reasons you'll fail on your own - which you won't. Absolute worst kind of scumbag behaviour.

I know you said you'd try to get the finances together slowly to make the break but please speak to Women's Aid in the meantime. They may be able to connect you to financial or housing support that you don't even know about. Especially for someone in your position. You don't need to take action until you're comfortable but you really should have some support while you go through this. And someone to advocate for you!

You said your sick of fighting so I hope you find a way out. It'll still be a fight but it'll be a fight for a good future for you and your kids and that's a much better use of what resilience you still have. Right now you're putting all of your energy into a fight that has no hope of a positive outcome. No wonder you feel the way you do.

Also, he won't let you go to dinner with your friend. Out of interest, what would be the consequence if you did? Can he make you feel worse than you already do? Is there a worry of aggression or violence? If not, I'd consider taking his offer of a little fun for you and the kids. Might not be worth the hassle but don't let him take away all of your choices.

Hope things get better for you soon.

I agree with this you need professional advice. Happy birthday op I hope this is the year you for yourself from him x

Sad I'm sorry you deserve better

OP I'm so sorry but with your update it sounds like your DH is controlling and you need to leave. Speak to your council as to housing options as you would be priority need of you dont make yourself intentionally homeless due to the children. Hes making himself seem needed so you dont leave and rinsing you for money - no doubt also to try and make you dependent as trying to get you not to work didnt work.

@FelicityFlops are you actually quite as obtuse as you seem?
WHY are you posting such a smug, jolly response after the OP has described her abusive marriage?!
Jesus...

Happy birthday from another birthday buddy I was 60 on 13/10 🎂 🍷 🍫 🌷

Why do you give your h £500 a month?

Why don't you leave him? He sounds abusive and you are miserable.

OP part of his manipulating and coercive control is making you feel you aren’t capable of doing it yourself and that the kids will blame you.

Your kids might well blame you for staying with him when they grow up. It is beyond miserable to grow up in a house of domestic abuse - I know that from experience and I wish to this day my mum had left.

Please call Womens aid. You don’t have to leave tomorrow, but there is help for you and you can do this.

@sadgapyearmum happy birthday for yesterday! 🎂 I hope you had a great day! 🥳

@divinededacende I know he would go on about it and cause a massive argument. I know that he doesn’t care about arguing in front of our children, as when he tries to start an argument with them around I take myself off upstairs and he’ll still follow me to try and argue some more and I tell him I refuse to argue in front of the kids. Then DD1 hears what DH moans about and he puts things in a way where it makes me look bad so she will then say ‘ahhh poor daddy. Mummy stop being mean to daddy!’

I could imagine he’d say something like ‘can’t believe you’ve gone out with him. I’m your husband, you’ve not considered my feelings at all. What you’ve done to me is totally wrong. He’s a man and he’s asking to take you out for dinner, he obviously fancies you. Why wasn’t I invited? I’m your husband!’ Or if he knew we were going and we were heading off, he’d say (in front of DDs) ‘You’re all leaving me on my own then? You’re all going out for a nice dinner without me so I’ll just starve then shall I?’ Things to that effect, so then DD1 ends up telling me I’m being horrible to him, and/or it results in an argument I just don’t want to have in front of the children but he will honestly follow me around the house to have the argument. I just don’t need it and neither do the kids.

Oh also - the very fact that you pay for all the kids stuff and give your scumbag H £500 - just shows, you ARE doing it all already.

It will be so much easier without him in the way.

You need to tell your kids the truth. A child size version of it but nevertheless they need to realise that daddy is not the victim. Just a simple ‘daddy gets upset sometimes, and it’s not mummy’s fault, mummy just wanted to see a friend.’

Your dds will pick similar partners in life and be abused if you stay as this is their blueprint for what a partner should treat them like.

How old are your children OP? I know it's tough to think you are taking them away from their dad, but he sounds like an abusive arsehole - in reality you are saving them from growing up thinking this is normal. They are seeing how he abuses you every day, and have even started to copy his behaviour. It is so important for you to find a way to break free of him.

Please think of this as the last shitty birthday you will have, and hopefully by next year you will have a more peaceful life without his cloud of doom hanging over you.
Nothing you have said about him tell me that he cares about you, only that he wants to bring you down and keep you dependent on him. He is not a nice person, and his words and actions show that he doesn't care about your wellbeing.

I know you can't stay with your parents, but is there any way they could help you with a deposit for a new place to stay? Maybe by giving you a loan which doesn't have to be paid back for a while. Also, if you love work and are able you could increase your hours, it is your lifeline for independence.

This.

I’m on the tenancy until November - Why what's happening then?

If your 'd'h thinks your friend must fancy you because he buys you somethinf for your birthday then by that logic your 'DH' doesn't.

You've not given any positives to this relationship or good reasons to stay with him. Free yourself and your children.

Then with childcare he told me before I went back from maternity leave that it’s better if I don’t work and we claim full UC and that if I decide to go to work, he’s telling me now that he won’t pay for childcare as it’s an expense created by me choosing to go back to work. So I’ve just had to cover it.

Wow! What a shit excuse for a partner and dad.

Sounds like you and your children would be better off without him

This is going to be dumb question time then…

My dad absolutely adores my mum. Has always done everything for her. She didn’t want to work, so he worked two jobs so she wouldn’t have to. She wanted 7 kids and he agreed even though he only wanted 3 or 4. He’s never missed a birthday, anniversary or Christmas and will randomly gift her flowers, chocolates or wine as a token of appreciation. She asks for anything, he will get it for her. She picked the house we all live in, even though he paid the deposit and has paid the mortgage off on his own. He drives her around everywhere, has no money to himself and she has all her own money to do as she wishes with it, since she decided to become a dinner lady so has her own money. His money is their money and her money is her money.

Yet I’ve ended up with a DH who is NOTHING like my dad!!

sorry, I forgot the question… To PPs saying my DDs will end up with someone like DH, how have I ended up with the opposite of my dad if our parents’ relationship is the blueprint for us when growing up?

I'll bet he has no debt, he's just wanting you to pay fir everything as a means of control.

Your work sounds amazing. Could you seek advice and help from them?

You are in an abusive relationship. And he's abusing your daughters if he isn't willing to adequately clothe them.

Hide the £60 from your mum. Don't tell him when you get extra money.

Is your friend in a position to help you leave your H?

I think a better question OP is why do you think this is all you deserve?

Surely if your parents have a very good relationship you can recognise that yours isn't.

The reason I mentioned his behaviour rubbing off on your daughters is because you have said yourself you are worried about how this will affect them, you also go on to mention that they witness your arguments. You know that isn't healthy for them. Stop making excuses.

Jeez. What does your husband actually add to your life ?!?

Happy Birthday op.

I really hope next years is better and that you're free of your awful, abusive husband.

I hope you give yourself the present of freedom from him for next year - he’s not a good man