To expect to have a good birthday in my 30s?

[CutiePatooties]

It’s my birthday today and I woke up to nothing from DH. When I first woke up he didn’t even say happy birthday for a while. Started to wonder if I got the day wrong (!)

Had a great day at work really - I love my job, so that was a highlight of my birthday tbh. It’s a shame I had to drop to part-time hours really and I’m working with managers to try and gradually increase them as I get better.

Went to my mum’s and because she knew DH wasn’t getting me anything and we have no money to celebrate, she’d left £60 in a card, got me a box of chocolates, wine and some flowers. Got home and opened the birthday cake I bought myself (sad, I know) and going to drink my wine and have a bit of a cry.

DH said I have to spend the £60 she gave me on a food shop this week, because he doesn’t have the money to buy food. I’ve dropped down to part-time hours and now claim UC (due to poor health) but they worked out what I earn based on last month’s wage which was close to full time pay so I’m over £300 short this month and I pay for everything for our DC, give DH £500, pay childcare costs, for all food and toiletries and just don’t have the money to spend on myself. Haven’t had a hair cut for about 9 months - I look like a tramp tbh.

My friend offered to take me and DDs out for dinner but because he’s male, DH obviously said no. So just sat in front of the television drinking wine, wondering how I ended up here.

He doesn’t actually add anything to my life. I tried to think about what he adds to DDs lives and he dotes on our baby. Lots of affection, made her meals and fed her today, constantly following her around and engaging with her. He lights up in her presence.
With DD1, he’s been going on at her all day, for being- too loud, hogging the television, not being careful around her sister, talking too much, not finding ‘something to do’ (code for wanting her out from under his feet). He accidentally scratched her hand earlier when he took her Nintendo switch off her and I told him she’s upset so even though it was an accident he should say sorry in order to model that behaviour (felt like I was talking to a boy rather than an adult). He said he won’t say sorry.

He isn’t affectionate with her at all and she was crying about him scratching her hand and he didn’t bat an eyelid. I was giving cuddles, rubbing it better, calming her down and then distracting her by engaging in something else. He’s just sat watching the television. That’s all he does at home, outside of tending to the baby. I don’t know how you can favour one so much over the other, but it certainly looks like he does.

I want to get out, but I am conflicted. He’s made me doubt myself, I don’t know if I’d cope on my own or how I’d get us to work and school or if I’d be ruining the children’s lives by leaving their dad. He has a DD from his previous marriage, who has an anxiety disorder, suffered with depression, self harmed etc Dh says this is all because her mum chucked him out to be with a new man. She still suffers now and still having counselling at the age of 18 and doesn’t have friends. She only spends her time at home or out with her mum and step-dad and sees us sometimes, but that’s very rare these days. He said she’s in this state because her whole world got turned upside down at the age of 10 and asked if I’d really put our eldest (she’s 7) through the same thing. Choose my needs over hers?

I don’t want people to think I’m making excuses. I’m confused, I’ve been told these things by him over the years and it stays with you and makes you doubt yourself. The first time I asked him to leave he said ‘okay, but I’ll tell our children the truth when they’re grown. That you tore the family apart.’ That alone, is scaring me. Let alone the ‘you have BPD so I’d get them if I fought for them’, ‘you can’t cope without me,’ and saying they’ll end up like DSD if I end things. I do want to leave, I just feel like I can’t. I’ll speak with Women’s Aid and see if they can help me.

I am starting to look at everything differently. I’m anxious about driving but the occupational therapist told me to drive every day, just doing small journeys to build up confidence. He then scrapped his car and asked to use mine, so I would be at home all day with no car throughout my maternity leave and it’s now got to the point I’m too scared to drive my car, so it’s basically his car now and I’m dependent upon him!

I’m feeling very stupid and feeling trapped. If work didn’t offer two days, I would also be out of a job now as well (which is what he wanted). He hasn’t taken everything yet, but I don’t go out with friends. Not even female friends, as he used to guilt trip me about how he doesn’t go out so when is his break? Then I’d say ‘go out next week’ and he’ll say ‘I’ve got no money, no one to go with, I don’t like drinking any more,’ so he would be saying it’s unfair I get a break and he doesn’t, but would then ask me why he can’t have a break. So I only have one male friend and one female friend (who live close by) and the female friend I’ll see in the day time if she comes over to the house because I can’t get out anywhere as I have no car and wouldn’t drive anyway as too anxious. We live in a rural area (his idea) with no shops or anything around. Too far from friend’s or parents’ house to walk to and I have no money for taxis. I don’t see my male friend at all any more. Female friend has stopped coming round so much, as she probably feels I’m not reciprocating the effort, which I’m not, so I totally get that. I am very lonely.

I feel worse actually sitting down and reflecting on my life. It is actually really shit, so I was living in a dream world to expect one day to have made anything better anyway!

Thanks for the birthday wishes and for the support I’ve had on here. It means a lot.

My dad absolutely adores my mum. Has always done everything for her. She didn’t want to work, so he worked two jobs so she wouldn’t have to. She wanted 7 kids and he agreed even though he only wanted 3 or 4.
^^
His money is their money and her money is her money.

TBH This sounds like he is trapped in a controlling relationship, just the same as you. You think this is normal, but it’s really not. One partner sacrificing themselves to the other is not a healthy, equal relationship.

We do tend to replicate the patterns we learn in childhood.

@SaturdayGiraffe thank you for answering my question and that actually makes total sense to me.

Your lack of birthday celebration is the least if your problems here. Please seek aid and support and leave this man

@CutiePatooties I Just want to give you a great big hug and sit next to you and tell you in however many ways it takes, that you deserve so much better!! So so much better! I'm really sorry he's made you feel crap on your birthday, there's lots of things he could have done that don't cost a penny! He could have given you a big birthday cuddle first thing and made you a cup of coffee, or lit some candles and ran you a bath to enjoy at the end of the day. Not all nice things cost money and that's why I feel so awful that you're with someone who can't be thoughtful for you!! I'm sending you virtual hugs for your birthday! I hope you enjoy your wine tonight, you deserve it xx

My god you really need to leave this man. He is financially abusive and horribly controlling. You’ll have much better birthdays and a much better life without him.

Im divorced and I have lovely birthdays. This birthday I’m going to have a massive lie in as my primary aged child will be at his Dad’s the night before for contact, and I’ve booked the day off work! Then will go to the gym and use the pool, sauna and steam room as though it’s a spa day 😀 And have a lovely evening with the children.

His eldest is probably anxious because of him and what he’s like - if he treated her anything like your dd1 anyway. Did he dote on dd1 when she was a baby?

You Dd will much more likely be anxious if you stay with this horrible abusive man. Leaving him gives her the best chance to avoid a life of anxiety.

I think you need to speak to Women’s Aid for help. The BPD line and “I’ll take the children” is the type of line abusive men always use.

Happy birthday btw Op.

Happy Birthday OP. I'm sorry you're feeling stuck. But reading through your posts, it's classic abuse tactics from your husband.

He isolates you from the outside world by cutting off your access to the car, doesn't want you to work too much (because then you would be more financially independent and could therefore leave easier), convinces you that if you leave you will tear apart the family - what about what he is doing everyday? Making everyone miserable. Does he take any responsibility at all? Probably not.
That is what abusers do, they wear others down with emotional manipulation and deflect and blame everyone else.

With your children he seems to be playing favourites - doting on the baby (because she is cute and doesn't talk back to him) and ignores or criticises the older one. How do you think that makes your oldest child feel? Neglected and unwanted. That's how he wants her to feel.

As for his excuses about his older daughter from a previous relationship - do you not see that the common denominator here is him? You really think that his behaviour had no effect on his older daughter when she was growing up? The break up may have affected her but it wasn't the only thing.

Yes, family break ups can be difficult, but so is staying in a toxic, unhappy household. There are many children who are thriving post divorce because they are safe and loved and not in the presence of constant tension in the house.

He is saying all this to gaslight you, and make you think it's all your fault.
Please look up the Freedom Programme online.

See a lawyer about divorce, collect papers, finances etc .
Speak to your therapist to plan your exit.

Your dh does not like you at all so expecting him to give you a present was unrealistic. He won't change.

You can change your life for a better one, sharing the kids with him but forging your life away from him.

Also, regarding his story about his oldest daughter struggling and ex leaving him. Can't you see that the narrative he is spinning is basically that every bad happened because his ex had the temerity to leave him? How dare they!

I'm guessing he told you all about what a horrible woman she was when you met him? The reality is probably more that she had enough of his shitty behaviour and finally broke free. But that doesn't fit with his view of himself, so he had to twist it to make her look bad and make himself the victim.

Be warned, this is what he will likely do when you get the courage to leave him - blame you for everything and try to make your life difficult. He is making you afraid to be without him because he has convinced you that you won't cope, or you will feel guilty. Because it's convenient for him to keep you where you are.

It means that he gets to still think of himself as a good person even though he is doing horrible things. He doesn't seem to care that he is making you unhappy, you are just supposed to put up with it and stay regardless.

Those are not the actions of a good father or husband.

I quite often engage in these birthday lack of effort threads, but I am not going to here, other than to say it not sad to buy your own birthday cake!

But this thread is really nothing to do with your birthday, you have an all year round problem. Like others, it really is one of the saddest threads I have read in a while.

Have a search for pdf of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

That is a frightening story you’ve told about your own parents. That is absolutely not normal. Your dad seems like he is massive doormat and is trapped in a controlling and abusive relationship.

If he pays the rent, stop handing money to him. Put it in an account for moving out. Let him get further into debt while you sort yourself out. Tell your mum what you’re planning and see if she can help out perhaps. This birthday and his behaviour would be the nail in the coffin for me.

Your husband is nothing like your dad but YOU are. The power imbalance is the same but reverse.
man equal
relationship is not one person giving and one person taking.

Is your friend single? If so, he sounds like a massive upgrade compared to DH and seems very fond of you so I would put out the feelers there.

Agree that the lack of birthday acknowledgment is the least of your problems here. Your partner sounds like a complete selfish loser. You’ll be far better off without him.

@Farmageddon when I met him, he told me his ex cheated on him and threw him out. Within two months she moved this new man into her house with her 10 year old daughter. As that was true, I thought she was no kind of mother, as I wouldn’t move in a new man 2 months after my 10 year old’s dad had left. So when he said she was horrid to him, he did everything for her, she would get drunk and hit him and their child hated her, I just believed him. I know that’s silly now, but I already had a bad opinion of her and I was with him so trusted what he told me. DSD even called him once to come and get her as her mum was threatening to kill herself if she didn’t do as her DP said. (Although he could have been lying - we were new into the relationship so I hadn’t met her yet).

What I know now, is DSD spends all her time with her mum and sees us less and less, so that certainly doesn’t line up with his story.

OP you weren't silly. You trusted him, and wanted to believe him. It's natural to want to put our trust in people we love.

His ex may well have issues, but that doesn't take away from his behaviour with you and your children now.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, it must come as a bit of a shock to realise things are not as they seemed. Please take some time to think about what kind of future you want for you and your children, and ask for help in real life if you need it.

I really feel for you OP. I hope that you're able to leave him and that your life starts improving, you sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve to be with such a thoughtfulness and unkind person.

Leave then don't get better love been their

Well… we’ve been given notice to leave the property on January 31st and I’m in a state!

It has made things easier in terms of leaving him, as I think this is the point where I’ll no longer be tied into a lease with him, but no landlord will accept me on my own with a part-time wage, UC top-up and I really don’t want to private rent again as this could just happen to us again and I can’t go through this any more. We lived here a year, they put the rent up, then another year later we’re being told they’re selling the house.

I’ve got so much stuff here and the kids have lots here as well. I’m panicking about what will happen to us and our things. I really can’t handle this and pretty sure it might break me. I already hated my life but at least we had a roof over our heads and the kids had a nice home with nice things. Now I don’t know what we’ll end up with (probably nothing). Just can’t cope with the idea that I’ve let my girls down. This does feel like too much for me to handle. I don’t know where to start and I only have 3 months to get things sorted.

Have yoj contacted the council, as soon as yoj have the corectly issued form (sorry don’t remember the name) from the landlord/lady you will be a priority.

I’ve phoned the council this morning and they’ve made a prevention appointment for the 6th November. I have to send all our ID, proof of wages, bank statements, the section21 and anything that proves my diagnoses and medications etc before the appointment. I’ve been told Homechoice will phone me at some point.

Good! Home choice called me the same day, and they had lots of advice. Fingers crossed for you