To carry on with cutting off in-laws?

[lemondriz02]

I just wanted some advice really.

I have cut off my in-laws, it had been about a month now and I honestly feel so much better for it and a lot happier in myself.

Husband is depressed about it all and desperately wants me to make amends with his parents.

The main reason I cut in-laws of was because I had a sick relative rushed to hospital and it was touch and go if my relative would survive and the family were preparing to say our goodbyes.

In the time I was away I was still helping my MIL as her cat had gone missing and I put up notices up on Facebook and got the cat put on the Cats Protection website.

All I did was text MIL saying "hope cat is ok" when the cat returned and I was met with aggressive texts of her telling me my husband was lonely and having a go at me.
Basically not giving a toss about my family member who almost died.

I couldn't believe it.
My emotions got the better of me and I told her how I felt about her and there has been no contact since.

Since I have been married all I have ever done is help my in-laws, because they don't have much family around and my husband suffers from anxiety and depression.

My in laws are not grateful people and it is like they take my help and kindness for granted and it is just expected from me.

They never show appreciation for all the time I have spent helping them or say thank you.

For the last year or so my MIL will just scowl at me when she see's me and is very intrusive and will make passive aggressive comments which really upset me and she is very interfering as well.

MIL used to text me orders as if I am her employee or something.

In laws have never helped me other than take my car in for an MOT and service once (which I paid for) and my husband never lets me forget this when I remind him how nasty his parents are.

A few days ago MIL needed help with her laptop and commented to my husband about me "I wish she was friendly and talked to us".

I am the one who would help them with technical matters and it seemed she wanted me to go round and help her.

I have had no apology for the aggressive and nasty behaviour and I have told my husband it is not my responsibility to be helping them especially with a nasty attitude like that.

My husband is begging me to talk to his parents and for it to be like how it was before, he makes me feel like I am crazy for feeling the way I do.

What annoys me is how he seems to think I owe his parents something.
The have never helped me, they help my husband.

I am happy to continue not having any contact with them but my husband is making me feel guilty and he says "he genuinely does not understand why I have cut off his parents".

He claims he has told his mother of her treatment towards me and she has changed.

Am I being unreasonable to continue not talking to them?

YANBU, and the problem is with your husband, who sounds like a mother's boy.

Am I being unreasonable to continue not talking to them?

No, from what you have said OP, I would have as little to do with them as possible. They sound charming.

What does your DH say about your list of all the nasty things they have done to you?

Was her aggressive text basically accusing you of not spending time with your DH while you have been wrapped up with sick relative? If so what a peach! I wouldn't be surprised if your DH has been moaning to his parents about your lack of attentiveness and. possibly, many other things over the years.

Which is it - he doesn't understand why, or he's told his mother and she's changed? Both can't be true.

I suspect neither are true.

YANBU

He sounds pathetic to be honest. He just wants to press the reset button on his household appliance (that’s you by the way) and for his easy life to continue where he opts out of dealing with his toxic parents because you’re doing it all.

Tell him he can do whatever he wants for them at their house, but you have had enough. You need to protect yourself from people like this.

Husband says he really dosent understand why I have to cut them off as it is such a dramatic thing to do.
He really dosent get it.

He claims to have had a chat with his mum when all this happened and told her how it looks from my point of view.

He claims she has taken things on board and has changed.

But yet I have not even received an apology.

I think I am better sticking to my guns and keeping them locked and going no contact.

Of course yanbu. You don't have to put up with their abuse and being their punchbag just to make your husband feel better.

He wants things to be all nice and is prepared to throw you under the bus to get there. Let him deal with them. And if it comes to it and he chooses them over you I don't think you'll have lost much.

I would just ignore them. You have explained to your DH why but if he doesn't get it and wants to be mummy's boy then let him.

Well done for standing up to these hopeless people.

‘learned helplessness’ is how I would look at them

Stay back and don’t help them no more - they will never appreciate you, let alone like you, this is nothing to do with you but about them and how they view you. You could have been anyone.

m I don’t know how you tolerate your husband either tbh he sounds spineless and rather blind

Tell him to shut up about it or you'll cut him off as well.

MIL needs to apologise, and DP needs to respect your wishes.

My advice would be to speak with your DH and say that you feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders since you've stopped interacting and dealing with his side of the family. Your mental health has never been better.

Is he suggesting that you would resume contact with his family which would have a knock on effect to your mental health?

You married him and not his mum, dad or any of his other relatives. He is quite happy to stay in touch with his relatives so leave him away with that but you don't have to go and visit if you don't want to.

Yanbu.

Why can't your dh help his mother? Surely he can sort out her tech. He can use google can't he? Or find a tech shop to do it for her.

Tell him to sort out his own family. You are not their go-to girl.

Dh may have been bought up walking on egg shells, this may have led to his depression and anxiety. He's used to keeping the peace with his parents and wants you on board so h doesn't have to deal with them so much.
I would be encouraging him to speak with his gp about the anxiety etc and take it from there. I certainly wouldn't be in contact with the inlaws for any reason.
It's interesting how pp are quick to slag a man off who has anxiety as being weak, a mummy's boy etc but would fall over themselves for a woman with the same conditions.
We don't know dh's side of things so hardly fair to have a go about him. Op is the stronger of the two and I think she's made a good call going no contact with ils.

Yanbu

You have clearly tried over and over and been treated like shit. It would make your h's life easier if you allowed MIL to abuse you again but you would be mad to go back and allow that. You are a human being and not a robot whose purpose is to obey orders. Your h clearly needs reminding that the way it used to be isn't good enough and he should have stood up for you earlier. It's one thing for him to be at their beck and call but you're not a pet dog.

This 100%

YANBU at all. If his mother has changed then she will contact you to apologise and ensure things will be different going forward. Tell your husband that as soon as that happens, you'll accept her apology and move on. We all know it won't happen. Enjoy your peaceful MIL free life.

I think you've been unlucky with your inlaws OP, that's for sure. I would just worry about where this leaves your marriage. I am not a fan of completely cutting people out, you will end up being blamed for the fall out and they will be martyrs.

Honestly I think a compromise would be saying you are NC for a period of time, like New Year and then you'll reconsider things. Maybe they will realise how much you did for them without thanks and try to form a new relationship with you, where everyone is polite for DHs sake but no demands or expectations.

Nope. Tell him your mental health has drastically improved since you cut them off and you have no interest in reconciling. In fact you highly recommend it!

Don't let him guilt trip you either with his mental health. He can seek help at his GP. You can't help him by taking on abuse from his parents. People here always recommend the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

If she's changed why hasn't she reached out and apologised to you then?

In my experience , they do not change. I'm no contact with my MIL for similar reasons she never once apologised.

My in laws are also hideous and I've tried no end of ways to engage with them. the last 4 years we haven't heard hide nor hair from them and it's been blissful, thankfully DH is the driver of no contact so I have just taken his lead.

My DH doesn't want to see them but if he did I would tell him he was welcome to see them anywhere he likes but they are not to come to my home. I absolutely refuse to be disrespected in my own house

Tell your H to read up on F.O.G. ( fear, obligation, Guilt)

Tell him if she has changed you look forward to hearing her apology in person.

Stay strong and don't let him browbeat you or emotionally blackmail you.
As a prior poster said, he just wants his and his family's household appliance back.

My husband is very close to his parents and see's his parents as these perfect people, they are maybe to him but I have never experienced that treatment.

I don't even know what my husband relays back to them as he never wants to discuss the issues I have.

Even the other day he asked if I would go round with him to see his parents, I couldn't believe it.

He dosent seem to understand how his parents behaviour affects me or how unacceptable it is to treat people that way.

The fact that his mother hasnt even attempted to apologise speaks volumes.

The final mail in the coffin for me was when my relative was severely ill and she still proceeded to send me aggressive texts to me days after helping her is what really gets me.

I dont know anyone who would do that, but as I tell my husband his mother has no boundaries and no awareness on her behaviour and seems to think people will just accept it.

I will continue to not engage with them as I feel a lot better for it.