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AIBU?

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Original poster

To carry on with cutting off in-laws?

95 replies

lemondriz02 · 12/10/2023 15:16

I just wanted some advice really.

I have cut off my in-laws, it had been about a month now and I honestly feel so much better for it and a lot happier in myself.

Husband is depressed about it all and desperately wants me to make amends with his parents.

The main reason I cut in-laws of was because I had a sick relative rushed to hospital and it was touch and go if my relative would survive and the family were preparing to say our goodbyes.

In the time I was away I was still helping my MIL as her cat had gone missing and I put up notices up on Facebook and got the cat put on the Cats Protection website.

All I did was text MIL saying "hope cat is ok" when the cat returned and I was met with aggressive texts of her telling me my husband was lonely and having a go at me.
Basically not giving a toss about my family member who almost died.

I couldn't believe it.
My emotions got the better of me and I told her how I felt about her and there has been no contact since.

Since I have been married all I have ever done is help my in-laws, because they don't have much family around and my husband suffers from anxiety and depression.

My in laws are not grateful people and it is like they take my help and kindness for granted and it is just expected from me.

They never show appreciation for all the time I have spent helping them or say thank you.

For the last year or so my MIL will just scowl at me when she see's me and is very intrusive and will make passive aggressive comments which really upset me and she is very interfering as well.

MIL used to text me orders as if I am her employee or something.

In laws have never helped me other than take my car in for an MOT and service once (which I paid for) and my husband never lets me forget this when I remind him how nasty his parents are.

A few days ago MIL needed help with her laptop and commented to my husband about me "I wish she was friendly and talked to us".

I am the one who would help them with technical matters and it seemed she wanted me to go round and help her.

I have had no apology for the aggressive and nasty behaviour and I have told my husband it is not my responsibility to be helping them especially with a nasty attitude like that.

My husband is begging me to talk to his parents and for it to be like how it was before, he makes me feel like I am crazy for feeling the way I do.

What annoys me is how he seems to think I owe his parents something.
The have never helped me, they help my husband.

I am happy to continue not having any contact with them but my husband is making me feel guilty and he says "he genuinely does not understand why I have cut off his parents".

He claims he has told his mother of her treatment towards me and she has changed.

Am I being unreasonable to continue not talking to them?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2023 21:27

@lemondriz02

You do what feels right to you.

Bottom line is that your DH wants an easy life with no stress from his parents. I'm sure he's getting a load of shit from them about you and he's not about to rock the parental boat by defending you. He just wants you to apologize and 'make nice' so his parents will leave him alone. Kinda cowardly, isn't he?

Scoobydoobywho · 12/10/2023 21:34

Your husband wants you to sweep it all under the rug to make his life easier not yours.

Original poster
lemondriz02 · 12/10/2023 22:03

AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2023 21:27

@lemondriz02

You do what feels right to you.

Bottom line is that your DH wants an easy life with no stress from his parents. I'm sure he's getting a load of shit from them about you and he's not about to rock the parental boat by defending you. He just wants you to apologize and 'make nice' so his parents will leave him alone. Kinda cowardly, isn't he?

Yes I agree with you.

I told my husband they are his parents not mine, I dont owe them anything.

Continuing no contact is the way forward.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2023 22:16

@lemondriz02

100% agree. And if he brings it up again I'd say "Just where do you think your first loyalty lies? With your wife or your mummy and daddy?".

CherryMaDeara · 12/10/2023 22:25

Your husband wants you to make up with them so you can be their skivvy. You help them, they help husband, and no one helps you. And husband likes it that way.

Don’t make up with them. Use the free time to do things you enjoy.

Zanina · 12/10/2023 23:05

Next time he asks just kick off. It sounds like you have been calm so he needs to see that you're serious. I have similar issues and I told my husband that if their treatment towards me continues, I will tell each individual to fuck off and I will divorce him. End of the whole fucking problem once and for all. That did the trick

junbean · 12/10/2023 23:12

"My husband is begging me to talk to his parents and for it to be like how it was before"

You were unhappy with the 'before'. He can see his mother's feelings but not yours? He can't understand? I don't believe that. He can understand but he chooses not to. He's choosing his mother over you. IMO he's the problem. It's a toxic family dynamic.

YANBU obviously.

Mydogmybestfriend · 12/10/2023 23:15

Just because you're related or connected with people don't mean you need to keep them around just because
Let's normalise cutting off toxic people out our lives maybe the world would be less depressed

FetchezLaVache · 12/10/2023 23:16

Bet you a tenner your DH's anxiety and depression would evaporate if he followed your lead and cut them out.

Original poster
lemondriz02 · 12/10/2023 23:26

All I ever here is "my parents are so stunned by this", "my mum is really upset and has been crying".

My feelings are never considered or how upset I am, ur is all about how upset and distraught his parents are.

I do feel as if he chooses his mother over me.

I think the best way will be for me to address how I feel directly to my MIL and to establish that no contact will remain in place.
Apparently they keep asking my husband for me to go round, help with laptop issues etc.L and I don't know what my husband tells them.

I think it's time I set some boundaries to my husband and in laws.

OP posts:
ToadOnTheHill · 12/10/2023 23:31

Course hes nagging you because he thinks he can wear you down and knows his parents wont change and he wants an easy life.

Yanbu for cutting them out but if you ont have children with him and you're planning to then I think you need a serious rethink. Nit about making amends but whether he is the right man for you. You can't bring kids into this.

GrumpyPanda · 12/10/2023 23:46

Asking for an excuse is a maximalist demand. Some people won't ever apologize and if so, it's a pointless expectation. You could still attempt a middle road by agreeing to a minimal amount of socializing with the in-laws, but a hard no to any pleas for help. Just redirect any such requests to your DH.

Original poster
lemondriz02 · 13/10/2023 00:12

GrumpyPanda · 12/10/2023 23:46

Asking for an excuse is a maximalist demand. Some people won't ever apologize and if so, it's a pointless expectation. You could still attempt a middle road by agreeing to a minimal amount of socializing with the in-laws, but a hard no to any pleas for help. Just redirect any such requests to your DH.

Yeah I understand what your saying, for years I have tried to be the bigger person and ignore the nasty comments.

But I really cant take the verbal abuse anymore, it will always start of MIl saying "I shouldn't say this" but than will make a nasty/rude comment anyway.

My mental health has improved massively since cutting them off.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 13/10/2023 01:13

@lemondriz02

Your husband has is using you as a human shield so you can take all the flak from his parents and he gets to maintain the relationship he has with them. You are causing him discomfort because you have finally had enough and you are protecting yourself.

I hope you manage to keep your boundaries strong and high because he's trying to undermine them just as hard as the in laws, for his own benefit.

There may come a time when you wonder if all this effort is worth it when your husband is actively working against you and your increasingly better mental health. Perhaps take a discreet look at your financial options just in case that day comes and you decide it's healthier financially for you to break contact with him too. 🌹

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2023 01:29

@lemondriz02

I think the best way will be for me to address how I feel directly to my MIL and to establish that no contact will remain in place.

I disagree with this (but of course it's your decision). Nothing you say to MiL will stop her from kicking off and painting you as the villain. In fact, she'll find a way to twist your words to her advantage. Silence is golden and your continuing silence is the best way to emphasize your NC.

Apparently they keep asking my husband for me to go round, help with laptop issues etc.L and I don't know what my husband tells them.

As of now, they are your husband's circus and your husband's monkeys. It doesn't matter what he tells them because you know it's not what he SHOULD tell them, that they have been rude to you and they need to apologize. I'd be willing to bet he's giving them some version of innocent bewilderment and "I don't know why she's upset with you, she won't explain to me" or some similar bullshit. As I mentioned before he has NO intention of being 'piggy in the middle'. It's obvious that he hasn't told them the truth or they wouldn't keep asking for you to help them.

I think at this point you need to not speak of them to your husband and if he brings them up or relays their requests for 'help' just say "No. And you know why. End of discussion".

Another poster said "You could still attempt a middle road by agreeing to a minimal amount of socializing with the in-laws,"

I totally disagree. Why should you subject yourself to nasty comments? So your big baby of a DH doesn't have to be upset? Phffft!

Fionaville · 13/10/2023 01:46

I assuming this is the first time that you've ever made a stand against then? If so, I would give them another chance. Make it clear that you aren't taking anymore of their shit.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 13/10/2023 03:27

Stand your ground! But I’d be reassessing my relationship with a man so enmeshed and tied to his parents.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 13/10/2023 03:33

I think you need to throw this back on your DH. Point out that he needs to consider whether his anxiety is a result of the unrealistic pressure his parents keep putting on him. You used to take some of that off him but at the expense of your own time and MH and it’s unfair for him to continue to expect this of you. He needs to either accept that this is what to expect from his relationship with his parents if he doesn’t set boundaries for himself. (And that includes standing up for you.)

SuperSange · 13/10/2023 05:52

At the minute, it's easier for him to upset you than it is to upset them. I'd honestly be reevaluating the marriage and repelling him so, and telling him why. You need to spell it out as he's clearly not getting it.

bozzabollix · 13/10/2023 06:26

My Father in Law is a right bellend too. He oversteps but I’ve been direct in tackling him each time, and there’s been uncomfortable times where we argue. What finally made a difference is my husband who didn’t have the best childhood, his Dad is a bully, finally confronting him on all he’s done and continued to do. It took real guts to do but was really empowering for my husband. His mental health is far better now.

We still don’t see them that often but when we do it’s far better.

The key lies in your husband being brave enough to have that chat. It’s not easy, but it’s liberating and the only thing that will be effective. The carrot is that you’d all have a far better time together if his parents didn’t try to overstep.

MrsJellybee · 13/10/2023 06:44

I cut my in-laws off eight years ago. Best thing I ever did. They were so utterly stunned by it. It made my DH have to deal with them if he still wanted them in his life. I was done being the buffer/go-between / peacemaker / punchbag/Scapegoat. Do it.

cheddercherry · 13/10/2023 07:53

Sounds like she wants you round just to do her computer. She’s not apologised therefore she feels she’s not in the wrong and hadn’t changed.

Your husband for whatever reason obviously isn’t communicating clearly with them or in your corner, so keep putting yourself first and keep away. You say you feel better already so why put yourself through the upset To keep your husband and his parents happy when none of those people even care about your feelings in all this.

WorldCuppa · 13/10/2023 08:12

I hope your child doesn’t marry someone like you

UnRavellingFast · 13/10/2023 10:53

@WorldCuppa · Today 08:12

I hope your child doesn’t marry someone like you

hi MIL! Or maybe feeble DH?

OP, people don’t change. Stick to your ground. You’re not stopping him from seeing them so he can go ahead. But if ‘D’H keeps up his shit maybe say his turn could be next if he carries on.

Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 10:57

Does your dh have outside help for him mh? Maybe a therapist would help him stand up to his dps. Ms watch his mh improve.. Your ils see you as staff op. Glad you have resigned!

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