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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To carry on with cutting off in-laws?

95 replies

lemondriz02 · 12/10/2023 15:16

I just wanted some advice really.

I have cut off my in-laws, it had been about a month now and I honestly feel so much better for it and a lot happier in myself.

Husband is depressed about it all and desperately wants me to make amends with his parents.

The main reason I cut in-laws of was because I had a sick relative rushed to hospital and it was touch and go if my relative would survive and the family were preparing to say our goodbyes.

In the time I was away I was still helping my MIL as her cat had gone missing and I put up notices up on Facebook and got the cat put on the Cats Protection website.

All I did was text MIL saying "hope cat is ok" when the cat returned and I was met with aggressive texts of her telling me my husband was lonely and having a go at me.
Basically not giving a toss about my family member who almost died.

I couldn't believe it.
My emotions got the better of me and I told her how I felt about her and there has been no contact since.

Since I have been married all I have ever done is help my in-laws, because they don't have much family around and my husband suffers from anxiety and depression.

My in laws are not grateful people and it is like they take my help and kindness for granted and it is just expected from me.

They never show appreciation for all the time I have spent helping them or say thank you.

For the last year or so my MIL will just scowl at me when she see's me and is very intrusive and will make passive aggressive comments which really upset me and she is very interfering as well.

MIL used to text me orders as if I am her employee or something.

In laws have never helped me other than take my car in for an MOT and service once (which I paid for) and my husband never lets me forget this when I remind him how nasty his parents are.

A few days ago MIL needed help with her laptop and commented to my husband about me "I wish she was friendly and talked to us".

I am the one who would help them with technical matters and it seemed she wanted me to go round and help her.

I have had no apology for the aggressive and nasty behaviour and I have told my husband it is not my responsibility to be helping them especially with a nasty attitude like that.

My husband is begging me to talk to his parents and for it to be like how it was before, he makes me feel like I am crazy for feeling the way I do.

What annoys me is how he seems to think I owe his parents something.
The have never helped me, they help my husband.

I am happy to continue not having any contact with them but my husband is making me feel guilty and he says "he genuinely does not understand why I have cut off his parents".

He claims he has told his mother of her treatment towards me and she has changed.

Am I being unreasonable to continue not talking to them?

OP posts:
newYear10 · 14/10/2023 12:37

I wouldn't stick around. You will never ever do right in his eyes. Ever. Why would you let anyone treat you this way. They are not your parents, they actually are no one to you so you have no obligation to ever tolerate this treatment. Cut them off, and probably your dh too.

forrestgreen · 14/10/2023 13:03

Basically you've made your dh's life harder.
He's getting earache off his mum because of your poor behaviour
And to top it off
He's having to actually to all the jobs that you used to do.

So either he swallows his anxiety and comes to your family or you tell him his mother's behaviour gives you severe anxiety so sorry you'll be unable to go round 'have a lovely time!'

Don't engage with his whining, 'oh no' 'that's a shame' etc on repeat.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2023 13:43

@lemondriz02

I often wonder if I would be better separating as this has been going on for years.
I either lump it or leave?

This NC is a new decision you've made. I might be tempted to stick around for a bit and see how it works for you. It may be that once DH, and hopefully MiL, realize you are serious they'll leave you alone about it or it may be that they continue to harp on it. Maybe set yourself a time limit and see how it goes.

I still think the key is refusing to discuss it with him. Remember JADE, never Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain your decision. If he brings it up or asks you to do something for his parents say "I've made my position clear and there will be no further discussion. Drop the subject" and if you have to, walk away. Sounds to me as if DH is used to 'deferring' to a strong female figure, hopefully that figure will become YOU once you really assert your position and stick to it.

RadoxRita · 14/10/2023 16:57

She’s a (covert) narcissist and your husband is an enabler of her behaviour (a ‘flying monkey’) It’s probably not a wonder that he suffers from anx and low mood. You may benefit from listening to podcasts on the topic. He’s one…https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qEH23q1r-4Q

How to handle flying monkeys

SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM: https://doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p/taking-yourself-back-healing-from-narcissistic-antagonistic-relationshipsLISTEN TO MY N...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qEH23q1r-4Q

Original poster
lemondriz02 · 14/10/2023 19:42

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2023 13:43

@lemondriz02

I often wonder if I would be better separating as this has been going on for years.
I either lump it or leave?

This NC is a new decision you've made. I might be tempted to stick around for a bit and see how it works for you. It may be that once DH, and hopefully MiL, realize you are serious they'll leave you alone about it or it may be that they continue to harp on it. Maybe set yourself a time limit and see how it goes.

I still think the key is refusing to discuss it with him. Remember JADE, never Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain your decision. If he brings it up or asks you to do something for his parents say "I've made my position clear and there will be no further discussion. Drop the subject" and if you have to, walk away. Sounds to me as if DH is used to 'deferring' to a strong female figure, hopefully that figure will become YOU once you really assert your position and stick to it.

Thank you, some good practical advice offered here.

We have been together for 10 years and it has always been the same.

Now apparently she has brought me some Thornton chocolates which are in her house and supposed to be for me.

I have told my husband that a box of chocolates isn't going to make things better.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2023 22:09

@lemondriz02

Now apparently she has brought me some Thornton chocolates which are in her house and supposed to be for me.

I have told my husband that a box of chocolates isn't going to make things better.

Next time try a steely-eyed stare, pursed lips, say 'No, I don't any want gifts from her' then turn and walk away.

Sicario · 15/10/2023 10:17

She does his laundry? Makes his doctor/dentist appointments? What is he, a teenager?

Have you ever asked him his views on "adulting"? Of being an actual grown-up who has full autonomy and takes full responsibility for their own lives (and everything that goes along with that)?

Ask him if he found a tick attached to his body would he leave it there or remove it?

I mean, just wow.

I agree that Dr Ramani is excellent. Some of her explainer videos are truly enlightening.

saraclara · 15/10/2023 10:32

MIL does all his laundry, cuts his hair, books all his doctors / dentist appointments,

WTAF?' You've been married for 10 years and he takes his laundry to her rather than it being done in his own home by whichever of you is doing your household laundry? And she makes his doctors appointments? How is he not absolutely ashamed of not yet being an adult?

Original poster
lemondriz02 · 15/10/2023 13:09

Sicario · 15/10/2023 10:17

She does his laundry? Makes his doctor/dentist appointments? What is he, a teenager?

Have you ever asked him his views on "adulting"? Of being an actual grown-up who has full autonomy and takes full responsibility for their own lives (and everything that goes along with that)?

Ask him if he found a tick attached to his body would he leave it there or remove it?

I mean, just wow.

I agree that Dr Ramani is excellent. Some of her explainer videos are truly enlightening.

Yeah twice a week she will do his laundry, and does his packed lunch for work.

I think a lot of the issues arise with the fact that he is so mollycoddled. I think it is so weird and unhealthy.

I will check out the recommendations!

OP posts:
DonnaBanana · 15/10/2023 13:47

If she makes enough of a gesture to demonstrate contrition and genuine effort, I would at least consider being civil, even if you keep the relationship cool. If she is merely keeping boxes of chocolates at her house for you to collect, no that’s not genuine effort. Your husband’s dependence on her is another story entirely and would give me the ick

Original poster
lemondriz02 · 15/10/2023 20:47

DonnaBanana · 15/10/2023 13:47

If she makes enough of a gesture to demonstrate contrition and genuine effort, I would at least consider being civil, even if you keep the relationship cool. If she is merely keeping boxes of chocolates at her house for you to collect, no that’s not genuine effort. Your husband’s dependence on her is another story entirely and would give me the ick

Yeah I think my husband told her to get them over as MIL isn't the kind of person to apologise or buy chocolates for anyone.

I believe they are expecting me to go over, I have told my husband I have nothing to say to his parents.

They have insulted me and hurt my feelings for years and all my husband keeps telling me is "they are so upset by you cutting them off".

I dont know why after all I am the one who has spent hours of my time helping them and have never spoken to them in a disrespectful way and have shown them nothing but respect.

I guess it is what it is Confused

OP posts:
rantinglunatic · 15/10/2023 20:56

HUGE CONGRATULATIONS AND KUDOS on cutting out your in-laws. They sound utterly appalling. Stay strong. Ignore your husband. His motives are entirely selfish. You might have to cut him out too...

RedRobyn2021 · 15/10/2023 20:57

Why would you want to be with someone whose mother regularly does their laundry?

Who lets his family treat you very poorly and doesn't come to any of your family events?

I find it difficult to believe you've only just now grown a backbone and have spent a decade putting up with this. Very odd.

gamerchick · 15/10/2023 20:59

Good grief lass. Tell your husband that if he brings it up to you again, he can pack his bags and piss off back to his mother's and to STFU already.

No way I could cope with such a immature bloke.

Original poster
lemondriz02 · 16/10/2023 01:35

@rantinglunatic thank you!

@RedRobyn2021 For years my instincts would tell me that my in laws behaviour was unacceptable.

Whenever I addressed this to my husband he would tell me "They see/ treat you like a daughter, they think the world of you".

But I never felt it. It was it was only when I had a death in the family and another relative severely ill that I saw from the aggressive texts and lack of empathy how nasty these people actually are.

MIL expects me to run around after her when she is ill or has a problem but God forbid when someone in my family is ill she shows no compassion.

@gamerchick Thank you, I have told my husband that if he carries on trying to force me to speak to his parents ask me to help them then I will be seriously reconsidering our relationship.

I have established boundaries with him and made it clear to him that for my own mental well-being it is better for me not seeing/ communicating with his parents.

I guess time will tell what happens.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 16/10/2023 01:47

@lemondriz02

@gamerchick Thank you, I have told my husband that if he carries on trying to force me to speak to his parents ask me to help them then I will be seriously reconsidering our relationship.

I have established boundaries with him and made it clear to him that for my own mental well-being it is better for me not seeing/ communicating with his parents.

Very glad you've done this. Hopefully it will take some of the pressure off for a while. The ball is in his court now and it will be interesting to see what develops. Perhaps a little peace in your own home- depending on if/how he communicates this with his mother. 🌹

Hibiscrubbed · 16/10/2023 04:57

My husband is begging me to talk to his parents and for it to be like how it was before, he makes me feel like I am crazy for feeling the way I do.

What annoys me is how he seems to think I owe his parents something.

Your in laws are twats, stay NC.

But your problem is your utterly pathetic husband. He is not, nor will he ever be, on your side.

autiebooklover · 16/10/2023 07:46

I think you did the right thing. I would say to your husband " this has happened because of your parents treatment of me. It's done it won't change and we are not discussing it anymore."

Then I would grey rock him and tbh consider telling him to leave if he can not let it go.

LimeCheesecake · 16/10/2023 08:12

You so have a DH problem now you’ve fixed your MIL problem by cutting her out.

I assume the big problem is she does he laundry and haircuts and appointments etc so sees she’s “owed” help back, your DH is benefitting from her Labour, but up to now the “payment” labour back has been done by you, not him. “Family help each other out” - yet he just benefits from that arrangement and the woman in his life do all the work. Your refusal to do any of the work causes him a problem if he’s not willing to give up his free laundry and secretary service- he might be expected to do the work himself or pay someone else to help his mother. Up to now, he just takes and other people give.

added to this, he’s used his mental health reasons to get out of having to do any of the work or relationship effort needed for your family.

keep repeating “you don’t socialise with my family because of your mental health, I am doing the same and not socialising with your parents for my mental health. Stop being a hypocrite.”

Be prepared for him to get angry though if he finds he has to do the help/work for his mum you’ve previously done.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/10/2023 10:08

I can't get past the point where he has said that they see you as a daughter and yet they have treated you so badly both in the past and more recently.

Would they really have treated a daughter in the same way as they have treated you? I seriously don't think that they would have.

Unless his mother gets up and makes the effort to get the chocolates to you under her own steam (and don't mention that to your DH or he'll be the one to make it happen), then they are simply a box of chocolates in her house for anyone.

Also he claims they are upset because you have cut them off??? No no no. He's getting it now in the ear, whereas in the past this would have been your role to fulfil and you are simply establishing a boundary that you will not allow be crossed again. Establishing a simple, straightforward boundary is a good thing. They can't manipulate you to do their bidding anymore. This is a good thing. They can't make demands of you anymore. This is a good thing.

You are doing what is best for your mental health. Keep doing it!

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