To carry on with cutting off in-laws?

[lemondriz02]

I just wanted some advice really.

I have cut off my in-laws, it had been about a month now and I honestly feel so much better for it and a lot happier in myself.

Husband is depressed about it all and desperately wants me to make amends with his parents.

The main reason I cut in-laws of was because I had a sick relative rushed to hospital and it was touch and go if my relative would survive and the family were preparing to say our goodbyes.

In the time I was away I was still helping my MIL as her cat had gone missing and I put up notices up on Facebook and got the cat put on the Cats Protection website.

All I did was text MIL saying "hope cat is ok" when the cat returned and I was met with aggressive texts of her telling me my husband was lonely and having a go at me.
Basically not giving a toss about my family member who almost died.

I couldn't believe it.
My emotions got the better of me and I told her how I felt about her and there has been no contact since.

Since I have been married all I have ever done is help my in-laws, because they don't have much family around and my husband suffers from anxiety and depression.

My in laws are not grateful people and it is like they take my help and kindness for granted and it is just expected from me.

They never show appreciation for all the time I have spent helping them or say thank you.

For the last year or so my MIL will just scowl at me when she see's me and is very intrusive and will make passive aggressive comments which really upset me and she is very interfering as well.

MIL used to text me orders as if I am her employee or something.

In laws have never helped me other than take my car in for an MOT and service once (which I paid for) and my husband never lets me forget this when I remind him how nasty his parents are.

A few days ago MIL needed help with her laptop and commented to my husband about me "I wish she was friendly and talked to us".

I am the one who would help them with technical matters and it seemed she wanted me to go round and help her.

I have had no apology for the aggressive and nasty behaviour and I have told my husband it is not my responsibility to be helping them especially with a nasty attitude like that.

My husband is begging me to talk to his parents and for it to be like how it was before, he makes me feel like I am crazy for feeling the way I do.

What annoys me is how he seems to think I owe his parents something.
The have never helped me, they help my husband.

I am happy to continue not having any contact with them but my husband is making me feel guilty and he says "he genuinely does not understand why I have cut off his parents".

He claims he has told his mother of her treatment towards me and she has changed.

Am I being unreasonable to continue not talking to them?

@cheddercherry yes I agree with you.
She still expects me to go round and help her as if nothing has happened.

I dont think my husband tells them how they treat me is not right as I would of received an apology.
But I also think because they are old they just expect me to continue helping them.

There used to be a lot of pressure/ expectation on me to help them especially during lockdown.

I find it very unfair as they are not my parents and this is what I will continue to say each my my husband asks me to go round/help them.

In life there are boundaries and lines you don't cross and MIL has violated me time and time again.

She will even make nasty comments about my family about how they don't include DH in gatherings/parties when it is because my husband doesn't like to socialise.

My husband did see a therapist but he didn't really find it helped him.

Meant to put my family do invite my DH to gatherings but he declines to go due to his anxiety.

MIL will stick her nose in and make some awful comments about my family and I am expected to stay quiet.

Next time she makes a comment about your DH not being invited to your family gatherings, tell her bluntly that he is always invited but he chooses not to attend.

YANBU.

It's not mandatory to have a relationship with in-laws. I'd cut them off & not look back.

This, too.

What age are you, OP?

Well this is another thing you won’t have to tolerate going forward as you won’t have contact with MIL or be listening to her drivel.

And DH needs to be reminded that he doesn’t interact with your family so he can hardly complain when you don’t interact with his.

Although I would agree with you having no contact with your MIL, I would suggest that you don't get involved with dh wanting to continue his relationship with her. Please do not put your dh in a situation where he has to choose between the two of you.
My sil had a massive fallout with my mil and her husband has had a breakdown as he wanted to still see his mum, but she gave him constant grief whenever he did. I am all for putting in boundaries with people who are nasty, but at the end of the day, nasty or not, this woman is your dh's mum.

To quote the classic Mumsnet, it sounds like you have a husband problem.

The texts didn't come out of nowhere. Your husband clearly expressed these feelings to her. You can't do this and expect neutrality. He should have stepped up and supported you but instead his whinged to his mum.

Similarly it seems he doesn't want to go to social occasions but is happy to let you be the scapegoat for his absence.

You can see from their point of view why you seem like the bad guy.

He needs to take ownership for where this has all gone wrong and be honest with them and you.

After that, if you want your marriage to work, draw a line under what has gone before and have contact within very limited confines. You will visit a couple of times a year, sign cards etc but maintain healthy distance.

Well done for going NC, stuck with it. Don’t explain or defend. I tried doing that with my In-laws over the years and everything I tried to do to improve relationships and try and get them to see things from our point of view was just twisted more and made things worse.
do you have children?

This is a really good point that he doesn’t see your family!

You are absolutely right to cut them off if you want to. Nobody should put up with terrible behaviour if they don't want to.
What he does is up to him and I'd make it quite clear that you do not wish to be in touch with rude people who treat you like a servant.
I'm not in touch with my mother and my family treat me like the wicked witch of the south for it. But I do not see why I should put up with abuse from anyone.

I get more support on here than I do from my own husband.

He does not see my inlaws treatment as abusive and now apparently MIL has a box of Thorntons chocolates for me that have been sitting in her kitchen for weeks.

My husband told me "she is so upset and says she has lost a daughter and a friend".

Again I am made out to the bad person.
I have never been abusive or rude to inlaws so I don't know why I am constantly always seen the one who is in the wrong when I stand up for myself.

In laws are racist as well and my sister is married to a Polish man and I have had to listen to comments such as "dirty Poles "I hate foreigners" "all the Poles have bad teeth and need to f of back to Poland", "let's hope your nieces and nephews don't end up with bad teeth when their older".

I have nieces and nephews who are half Polish and I find these comments very offensive - again why would in laws make these comments in my presence if it wasn't intended to offend me?

But husband dosent see this and claims "they are not racist".

To be honest I don't think my husband will ever change and support me and all this is really getting me down, it's not a marriage it is a battleground.
All our arguments are about his parents.

I think it’s time to seriously think if you can live the rest of your life with this man.

It’s likely he shares his parents’ racist views.

I think you'd feel better with your husband out of your life, too.

The books by Susan Forward are quite often recommended on the relationships board. One is Toxic in laws and another is Toxic parents (I think). If dh didn't get on with therapy then perhaps a book might be easier. He should also try a different therapist. I agree with the pp who said his mental health will improve if he goes LC or NC.

As for you, it's a case of death by a thousand paper cuts isn't it? I'm not sure if you're there yet but it sounds as if it's going to boil down to your husband making a decision - you, or them. You might have to make the decision for him.

You've answered all your questions very clearly already here:

You know that you feel better now that you don't see them any more.

You know she has absolutely no respect for your boundaries and will trample them every time.

You know that she doesn't give one single shiny shit about your feelings and how her behaviours affect you.

She's toxic, and people like that NEVER CHANGE. They are completely incapable of self-reflection and thrive on causing upset and drama. It doesn't matter what you say, or what she says, or indeed what your husband says - this dynamic will never improve.

If you love your DH and want to remain married to him, then I think you're absolutely right to put your foot down and remain No Contact. And tell him you don't want to hear any more about it, so he can zip it about her dramatic crying and hostage chocolates. You're not interested. She's had plenty of chances and has shown you time and time again that she's toxic. End of.

Remember also that this scenario is not that uncommon. Well done for sticking up for yourself and putting a stop to her nonsense. So many people put up with shitty behaviour from family (or in-laws) when they really should tell them to piss off and do one.

@Sicario thank you for your kind reply.

I completely agree with what you say, and remaining No Contact permanently is the way forward.

Sometimes I feel as if I am over reacting and being petty as my husband constantly tells me he genuinely does not see what the issue is.

My SIL suffers the same unfortunate treatment from MIL and when I tell my husband that it is not a coincidence that we both say the same thing he tells me "well they don't like her but they like you" (only because I am the only DIL to help them).

MIL has no respect or boundaries and time as she shown time and time again.
I cant see her changing and as a PP said she will never change and going silent is the best way.

@cartagenagina

And DH needs to be reminded that he doesn’t interact with your family so he can hardly complain when you don’t interact with his.

Good point.

Also why should OP do anything for her rabid in-laws, especially MIL, when her family are bad mouthed by her husband's family? 🌹

Actually @lemondriz02

I wonder whether it wouldn't be healthier for you to consider that your husband is just as bad as his mother, but coming from a different angle.

Of course he sees that she's racist - from her nasty comments she makes it abundantly clear. But it's easier to deny everything she very obviously says and does and uses a sort of "water torture" on you to try and wear you down. If you were to succumb he would get what he wants (his mother's approval) and you as a human shield between her and you. And what would that do to your mental health I wonder?

Is your SIL's husband more supportive of her do you think? Are you able to get support from SIL, who has been through similar with your MIL?

Your husband will never stop chipping away at you because his mother won't change, and that will wear away at you, however determined, rightly, you are to maintain the NC. Is a relationship with him worth it? 🌹

It all seems a bit drama queenie! I would have just told them not to be so rude and carried on helping them. You’ve cut off all connection to your husbands parents and expect him to be ok about it. You seem to be delighted you’ve done it. And over what? Nothing really on the grand scale of things.
All the perfect people on here supporting you will be on here moaning if they were the ones cut off. Blood is thicker than water and I think cutting people off over such a trivial thing is pathetic. Coming on here crowing about it is odd.
Older people can be tricky! Text messages can be miscommunicated and misinterpreted. Your father in law was obviously missing you. Maybe your mother in law has insecurities.
My mother in law was incredibly difficult at times but I stood up to her. I would never have forced my husband into such a crappy position.

The in laws treated OP like she was their skivvy and when OP wasn’t available to be their skivvy the MIL sent aggressive texts to OP when she was with her sick relatives.

The in laws are racist and deliberately make racist comments about OP’s family.

Why on earth are you telling OP to keep helping them?

These people are NOT op’s blood and even if they were they have no right to treat her this way.

Your husband sounds absolutely pathetic and I don’t think I could continue a relationship with someone so weak and who doesn’t have my back in any way, shape or form.

Your DH will be very deeply enmeshed with his mother's behaviours. He's been programmed since early childhood to navigate her controlling personality. So his reactions to her are kind of not his fault. He would need a lot of therapy to unpack it all and might not be open to that.

You already know that everything that comes out of her mouth is manipulative bullshit (e.g. "we don't like SIL but we like you.")

Perhaps one day your DH will see that his mother is a toxic person, but in the meantime you can remain confident that it's not your job to pander to her.

Toxic people ALWAYS kick off when they don't get their own way.

Keep your boundaries strong and healthy, and have a great weekend.

Your absolutely right!

Husband is very much a mummy's boy and I actually think the dynamics of their relationship is quite unhealthy.

Husband will always defend MIL even when she is evidently in the wrong, it is so infuriating.

MIL does all his laundry, cuts his hair, books all his doctors / dentist appointments, anything he wants she will buy him, she basically treats him like a kid.

I do feel my husband is just so gaslighted by her that he doesn't see her for what she really is. She is nice to him, his siblings and FIL but to everyone else she is evil.

I am pretty sure that all his relationships before me have ended because of MIL and her toxic ways.

My SIL is a nice person and I am unsure as why my inlaws dislike her so much, I can only think of it is because she refuses to help them.

Moving forward I am not going to come in between my husband and his parents and I can appreciate my husband is piggy in the middle.

But obviously if he starts asking me to go around and see them or asks me to help them I will just have to remain firm and stick to my guns.

Husband will say "my mum is not a racist" despite us both heating her say racial slurs against Polish, Black and Asian people.

My brother in law (husbands brother) is not as close to his parents and tends to keep out of it.
SIL is civil to with inlaws and has told me she only does it to keep the peace.

It is really disheartening as no matter what MIL does/says my husband will always back her 100%.

I told my husband if it was him or one of his siblings in hospital fighting fort their life and I text MIL what she text me it would be a different story.

But again apparently I appear to overreact and should forget these things because she is old and is my MIL.

I often wonder if I would be better separating as this has been going on for years.
I either lump it or leave?
It is unfortunate as his parents are the only issue we argue about.