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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daily Moans and The Six

177 replies

Dadfromthesea · 12/10/2023 13:06

Because I am a certifiable lunatic, I drive six girls to school every morning. Imagine the Spice Girls off their tits on coke, participating in The Great British Shriek Off. Then add a sixth Spice Girl (Shouty Spice) because my ears aren’t quite bleeding enough, and that’s my car.

Two of them are my own, and the other four are from four other families. This has been going on since the start of term (although by the end of some journeys it feels like it’s been going on since the start of time).

It’s a 25 minute journey. Rolling fields, cow-strewn pastures and an incessant mega-decibel babble of absolute nonsense.

I do this purely out of love (and cos the school bus costs more than Christmas in a Center Parcs treehouse).

But the issue on the table is not my battered eardrums. It’s how they all come to join my Big Noise School Time Fun Wagon.

One of the other four lives about 4 mins drive away. Another lives a further couple of minutes away. The other two live about 3 mins drive away in the other direction (in different houses about 30 secs apart). None of them live in the direction of school.

Picking them all up would turn a 25 minute journey into a 45 minute one. This would mean everyone in my house getting up 20 mins earlier, and I don’t fancy fighting that battle every morning when my two are at their most unspeakably terrifying.

There would also be some potential additional faffing if the people I’d pick up aren’t kerbside when I arrive and I have to go from passive aggressively looking at their house whilst tapping my steering wheel to actually getting out of the car, knocking, and pretending that I’m not boiling with volcanic fury about them not being ready.

And I’d have to do three point turns with people watching me. Which makes my head hot.

So the deal is that people assemble at my house. Roll call is at 8am.

There is some disquiet amongst the mums about the fact that despite me in theory giving everyone a lift, I have asked them to come to mine as opposed to me picking them all up.

When we set the arrangement up on the WhatsApp group one mum seemed surprised (I’ve never been good at reading signals, but I could deduce this because she said ‘Oh, i’m surprised’). Subsequent messages set my Tone-o-Meter tingling. I could sense eyes being rolled.

But we’ve been like this for a month now. One mum occasionally drives her DD over whilst still in her pyjamas, and there has been some very pointed yawning, but other than that nobody’s cried or died.

I feel though that they are conveying the message that they should not be driving round to my house. Because after all, what’s the point of someone giving your kid a lift if you have to drive them the first bit yourself? Your morning has already joined the gigantic pile of historic mornings marked ‘spoiled by children’.

But on the other hand, I am doing everyone a favour so should I do even more of a favour (or the complete favour, depending on how you look at it)?

The other mums take it in turns to do after school pick-up, and my girls are returned directly to me, flung out at my front door. This is obviously unequal but a) It’s much less of a detour for them because we are within 30 seconds of the road to and from school, b) It’s not first thing in the morning so there’s less rushing around and c) I do every morning and they do one or two afternoons a week each.

We said that we’d review how things were going at half term. If they say that the situation needs to change, who’s being unreasonable? Me or them?

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 12/10/2023 13:13

Either
A) you all share equally (with you doing 1/3 as you have 2 children).
B) you continue doing 1/2 the journeys with the central collection point.
C) you all drive tour own kids

AnotherNameNow · 12/10/2023 13:16

If it doesn't work for anyone they can leave the group and make their own way in?

Shortpoet · 12/10/2023 13:23

So you do five journeys every week and each other family does just one most weeks and then every 4th week does 2 journeys?

Sounds unfair for you. Are they covering your petrol?

Shortpoet · 12/10/2023 13:25

Anyone moaning about a 4 min journey (ok 8 there and back) when you are doing 50 can get stuffed. As PP said, they are welcome to make their own alternative arrangements.

What happens if you are on holiday or ill?

Dadfromthesea · 12/10/2023 13:26

AnotherNameNow · 12/10/2023 13:16

If it doesn't work for anyone they can leave the group and make their own way in?

Of course. It’s not a hostage situation (apart from for me when I’m driving). But I wouldn’t want to break up a happy gang, and make stuff trickier and more expensive for everyone.

Would much rather arrive at a reasonable arrangement. So if, at half term, they say ‘I can’t be doing with this “bringing them all to yours” lark’, I can say ‘Ah! But Mumsnet says I’m being reasonable! So how do you like that???’. Or, if it turns out that I’m the unreasonable one, I can back down like the weak willed spineless ne’er do well that my dad always said I was.

OP posts:
ForestDad · 12/10/2023 13:31

Sounds like a good arrangement tbh. Sounds like you get to do your bit on your terms and everyone else benefits.

Do all 5 families have access to a 7 seater car they use for the school run?

Your bit about reading signals made me chuckle. Wouldn't worry too much about people yawning in their PJs, maybe they just had a late night. If anything I'd say it shows they are comfortable around you all but then some (normally female) subtle slights go right over my head so who knows.

Dadfromthesea · 12/10/2023 13:38

ForestDad · 12/10/2023 13:31

Sounds like a good arrangement tbh. Sounds like you get to do your bit on your terms and everyone else benefits.

Do all 5 families have access to a 7 seater car they use for the school run?

Your bit about reading signals made me chuckle. Wouldn't worry too much about people yawning in their PJs, maybe they just had a late night. If anything I'd say it shows they are comfortable around you all but then some (normally female) subtle slights go right over my head so who knows.

Three seven seaters. We have one, and two other families. The others bring home on days when not all the kids need a lift cos of after school activities etc.

OP posts:
Shortpoet · 12/10/2023 13:40

My policy is to ignore all passive aggressive hints and only respond if people use their words.

If they do ask directly, I think a mumsnet: “That won’t work for me” and a breezy “So are you in or out of the rota?” is all you need.

If they push, say you have no intention of adding an extra 100 mins of driving onto the 250 you already do per week for them.
If they decide to opt out, it is not you breaking up the group. You are already doing much more than your fair share.

Don’t apologise, don’t over explain.

chickenpieandchips · 12/10/2023 13:51

How did you get the morning job? Can you do the afternoon. Offer to swap and see how long it takes for them to drop all the pick ups.
Emphasise that you do the majority of the driving in the week, so your rules go, and in the rules of volunteering, rather than moan they could offer!

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 12/10/2023 14:10

Keep firm. I had to do the same when I became the team 'bus' for my daughter's football team.

You are in the right, you know you're in the right. At the half term review spell it out simply for them, you are not willing to wake up, get your children up and you all be ready 30 minutes early to pick up everyone else's children in the morning. Your being included in the lift share is conditional on the current arrangement of everyone meeting at yours continuing.

Fightyouforthatpie · 12/10/2023 14:14

You deserve at least an OBE, probably whatever the next one up is for services to children and comic writing.
I love your style (and content).
So YANBU.

ObsessedWithZach · 12/10/2023 18:47

Why are you making such a big deal of it?
Parents drop their kids and sometimes their friends off all the time at school. I'm not sure it merits such a long post on mumsnet.

I presume by your username that you're one of those dads who need to be congratulated on everything you do. I'm sure some of the the usual fan girls on here will stroke your ego. I say get the fuck on with it. Anyone at the house when you leave gets a lift. End of.

🙄

nutbrownhare15 · 12/10/2023 18:55

If they have a problem with the arrangement then you can simply not give their child a lift in the morning. I wouldn't be happy about the eye rolls tbh as you are doing them a massive favour doing it 5 days per week.

TempName247 · 12/10/2023 18:56

I think if you are going to do it you should be picking them up from their house, if I had to get my child in the car I might as well take them the whole way BUT I would never enter into an arrangement as it would stress me out too much about being on time and if me or my child was ill in the morning it complicates everything, having to ring around everyone and apologise NOPE

nutbrownhare15 · 12/10/2023 18:56

Maybe they could all club together as a 4 and facilitate dropping off the 4 at your house?! It shouldn't be up to you to facilitate that though.

ThursdayNightDinner · 12/10/2023 19:31

I presume by your username that you're one of those dads who need to be congratulated on everything you do. I'm sure some of the the usual fan girls on here will stroke your ego. I say get the fuck on with it. Anyone at the house when you leave gets a lift. End of.

Spot on. 👏

jumpfh · 12/10/2023 19:32

ObsessedWithZach · 12/10/2023 18:47

Why are you making such a big deal of it?
Parents drop their kids and sometimes their friends off all the time at school. I'm not sure it merits such a long post on mumsnet.

I presume by your username that you're one of those dads who need to be congratulated on everything you do. I'm sure some of the the usual fan girls on here will stroke your ego. I say get the fuck on with it. Anyone at the house when you leave gets a lift. End of.

🙄

This

BMW6 · 12/10/2023 19:44

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NoSquirrels · 12/10/2023 19:46

Why are you making such a big deal of it?
Parents drop their kids and sometimes their friends off all the time at school. I'm not sure it merits such a long post on mumsnet.

Bit harsh. I enjoyed the OP’s style!

Obviously it’s not really a dilemma though - no way would I be picking anyone up. Rules of lifts are you’re there on time and ready to go and that’s that.

SocksAndTheCity · 12/10/2023 19:51

Isn't this the bloke who keeps posting his waffly anecdotes in the hope that his 'hilarious' writing style is lauded to the heavens, and he eventually gets picked up as a columnist by one of the magazines that has a lot of exclamation marks on the cover?

jumpfh · 12/10/2023 19:52

SocksAndTheCity · 12/10/2023 19:51

Isn't this the bloke who keeps posting his waffly anecdotes in the hope that his 'hilarious' writing style is lauded to the heavens, and he eventually gets picked up as a columnist by one of the magazines that has a lot of exclamation marks on the cover?

LOL

stayathomer · 12/10/2023 19:54

Op no help but a random question- can I make you promise that if you’re not a rom com author then you’ll go become one? I could read your style all day! (From a rom com author!!)

stayathomer · 12/10/2023 19:55

SocksAndTheCity
I love the style too!!!

BMW6 · 12/10/2023 19:55

This reply has been deleted

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Abitofalark · 12/10/2023 19:56

Is this the man who posted some yarn about neighbours and a screen and who wanted approval for his writing and for being a man on a mums' - oops! I mean parents' - forum?