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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to invite MIL

93 replies

Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:08

Due with DC2 early next year , I have a small family and small group of friends

for DS I didn’t have a baby shower just a gathering and there was 8 total - mil didn’t come as she had a bug , my mum had sorted it all so had invited her

Now a lots happened since then , things are quite distant from MIL from me. She’s active in my sons life, I won’t ever let my opinion affect their relationship. But she plays favourites amongst grandkids, it’d be wrong whoever it is but I take it personal as my DS is just generally not really fussed over. She makes minimal to no effort reallt I said active part in DS’ life but that’s because my DH really wants her to be and puts all the effort in

she asks DH for money a bit ,but doesn’t take into consideration what he’s got going on in life and why he may not want to touch his savings

there’s so much I could go into but it’s personal so I’ll leave it there

my mum asked about doing a little gathering to celebrate DC2. I said yes just small and it’ll be at her house just as I want to celebrate again but just with my nearest and dearest , it’ll be like an afternoon tea vibe

She mentioned inviting MIL, I asked could we not as I’d like to just celebrate with my side, it’s a few hours and again really small gathering

she has went off , flipped and said I’m awful and should

Maybe I am being blunt but I just kind of don’t want to invite someone who I wouldn’t want there?

OP posts:
Tortugaa · 11/10/2023 21:10

Yabu and a bit selfish. I can understand why you don’t, I wouldn’t want to either. It’s not right not to though.

Toottooot · 11/10/2023 21:22

Way to go to make sure she really isn’t interested in your second geet.

Marlena1 · 11/10/2023 21:23

Seems a bit mean not to, especially if your DH likes to involve her. This is your DC's GM.

Original poster
Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:23

@Toottooot hi in all fairness whether she was invited or not, I don’t think that’d make her interested in my 2nd child :) she really wouldn’t be more involved either way

OP posts:
Toottooot · 11/10/2023 21:25

Well dinna invite her then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Macaroni46 · 11/10/2023 21:26

Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:23

@Toottooot hi in all fairness whether she was invited or not, I don’t think that’d make her interested in my 2nd child :) she really wouldn’t be more involved either way

I found your opening post confusing. Is MIL involved in DC1's life or not?
If I've read it correctly, she is involved with your first one so why wouldn't she be with your second?

StarlightLime · 11/10/2023 21:27

Nasty thing to do.

QueenOfHiraeth · 11/10/2023 21:27

If you invite her and she doesn't come or fails to engage with you next child then she is in the wrong but if you don't invite her you give her an excuse.

M4J4 · 11/10/2023 21:28

Tell your mum if she’s going to react like that then you’ll organise your own one. And don’t invite her either.

wildwestpioneer · 11/10/2023 21:29

Who flipped and said you were awful? Your mother?

Original poster
Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:29

Apologies, she is involved but as DH makes all the effort - takes DH down she never asks to come see him , tries to arrange activities etc she can see DS at etc

When I said my comment above I mean she won’t make more of an effort if I did invite her to this. Nothing would really get her to make more of an effort but that’s not my concern I’ve made peace with it

just want opinions as I’m seeing it quite blunt as in I only want people I’m close to there, but my mums opinion has Made me wonder if I essentially have to

OP posts:
Original poster
Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:30

@wildwestpioneer yeah my mum did she said it’s awful of me

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 11/10/2023 21:31

Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:29

Apologies, she is involved but as DH makes all the effort - takes DH down she never asks to come see him , tries to arrange activities etc she can see DS at etc

When I said my comment above I mean she won’t make more of an effort if I did invite her to this. Nothing would really get her to make more of an effort but that’s not my concern I’ve made peace with it

just want opinions as I’m seeing it quite blunt as in I only want people I’m close to there, but my mums opinion has Made me wonder if I essentially have to

Why would she try to arrange activities??

StarlightLime · 11/10/2023 21:32

Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:30

@wildwestpioneer yeah my mum did she said it’s awful of me

She's correct, and has far better manners than you seem to.

SahliJ · 11/10/2023 21:32

This is your child’s grandparent, your husband’s parent.

Would you treat your own the same?

Coldinscotland · 11/10/2023 21:33

If mil isn't your nearest and dearest then don't invite her... Seeing her a just your dc's dgm is fine surely? Dc won't actually be born yet so all good. Dh needs to stop being her atm. Cfery has no age boundary..

Gnomegnomegnome · 11/10/2023 21:34

I’m with your mum. It’s incredibly rude.

Original poster
Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:34

And no I don’t expect her to go above and beyond and plan all these activities

but DH mentions them hoping she’d want to come along and she just seems indifferent so he pretty much constantly asks

It is more the lack of effort on her part, I don’t just think this my family do agree and at DS’ christening extended family did comment on how she barely seen DS or come over to see him. If you can guess she was spending time with her favourite grandchild lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:35

@SahliJ i do see your POV, and I mean this politely, but no as my relationship with my parents is obviously very different and I’m closer to my mum of course

i Don’t mean to sound rude there I did just want to point out it is a bit hard to compare x

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 11/10/2023 21:37

In your position I wouldn't. There's no need to even tell her about it. It's up to your DH if he wants to involve her in things but you don't have to.

BetterWithPockets · 11/10/2023 21:39

Ffsmakeitstop · 11/10/2023 21:37

In your position I wouldn't. There's no need to even tell her about it. It's up to your DH if he wants to involve her in things but you don't have to.

This!
I don’t see why it has to involve your MIL if it’s just a small family (your family!) gathering…

Princesspollyyy · 11/10/2023 21:50

It's incredibly rude and hurtful. Imagine how she would feel when she finds out?

I couldn't do it, even if I didn't like my MIL. No decent person could do it. Sorry.

HabitsDieHard · 11/10/2023 21:56

I think you're right, op, and I don't understand why everyone thinks it's so awful. MIL never even has to know it happened, so her feelings don't come into it

underneaththeash · 11/10/2023 21:57

I wouldn’t have a baby shower in the first place.
but if I did I’d invite her.
Fo you think she’d annoy you less if she stopped asking for money, especially if you’ve nine to spare?

BeaRightThere · 11/10/2023 22:00

It's extremely rude. This is your husband's mother and your children's grandmother. Put aside your personal animosity and invite her. It's honestly horrible not to.