Don’t want to invite MIL

[Molllsx]

Due with DC2 early next year , I have a small family and small group of friends

for DS I didn’t have a baby shower just a gathering and there was 8 total - mil didn’t come as she had a bug , my mum had sorted it all so had invited her

Now a lots happened since then , things are quite distant from MIL from me. She’s active in my sons life, I won’t ever let my opinion affect their relationship. But she plays favourites amongst grandkids, it’d be wrong whoever it is but I take it personal as my DS is just generally not really fussed over. She makes minimal to no effort reallt I said active part in DS’ life but that’s because my DH really wants her to be and puts all the effort in

she asks DH for money a bit ,but doesn’t take into consideration what he’s got going on in life and why he may not want to touch his savings

there’s so much I could go into but it’s personal so I’ll leave it there

my mum asked about doing a little gathering to celebrate DC2. I said yes just small and it’ll be at her house just as I want to celebrate again but just with my nearest and dearest , it’ll be like an afternoon tea vibe

She mentioned inviting MIL, I asked could we not as I’d like to just celebrate with my side, it’s a few hours and again really small gathering

she has went off , flipped and said I’m awful and should

Maybe I am being blunt but I just kind of don’t want to invite someone who I wouldn’t want there?

@Molllsx your Mum's reaction surprises me somewhat.

Ideally she would be your staunchest ally, is it a generational difference?

Absolutely, have who YOU want, it's so very important that you set your boundaries now.

I agree with this. Absolutely no reason to have her at a gathering when you don't get o and she isn't interested in your family.

Maybe your Mum is worried that if MIL gets wind of the event, she will get the blame not you.

It's your day! You get to have a say. Also, you say you won't interfere in MIL's relationship to your DS, and I respect that but remember he will notice the favoritism at some point. I remember being treated that way as a child and it was heartbreaking and still affects me to this day. Sounds like you're being proactive though, definitely not BU.

Op you say you’ve had your baby christened which must mean you are Christian.

What about the Christian teaching to behave toward others as you’d like be treated yourself? You seem to have christened your child into the Christian faith but don’t wish to demonstrate any of its beliefs or values yourself - the central Christian ideas of reconciliation, love, hospitality, forgiveness…

I’d love to hear the MILs side of this story.

Op you say you’ve had your baby christened which must mean you are Christian

Hmmm not always. I know several people who have absolutely no faith and if asked would say they are atheist/agnostic but still had their child christened for various reasons:

Pressure from more traditional grandparents
Nice social occasion to show off baby
Starting early to get kid into the good associated school
Instagramming opportunity
And so on

I’ve lived in my flat almost 2 years and my mums not stepped foot inside since finishing decorating. I take my daughter to see her I don’t expect her to come to me. My nan barely came into my mums house unless my grandad had annoyed her. I don’t agree with this narrative of they never come to see it’s not their job to do all the visiting and I don’t think it ever should be. My “MIL” hasn’t seen my daughter since Christmas because her dad doesn’t take her to see her. I don’t expect her to come to me

You sound like you want justification from strangers to back your position. If that’s the case don’t invite her.

if you are really looking for feedback…yeah I’m getting the vibes that she just doesn’t measure up in your eyes but from your description I’m not seeing anything other that ‘fails to make an effort’ which could mean anything. So I’d give advice to be open to her on the level that has been established. Part of your children’s lives but super active… which actually isn’t a bad thing all things considered.

Oh, come on. It's not required that MIL be invited to every social event involving OP.

OP is not a walking womb that everyone is entitled to spend time with. Pregnancy-related or bot.

Your mum is really off base. I'd cancel the event with her and just go out for afternoon tea with a few close friends.

Why?? Is OP not allowed any private social life, merely because she's pregnant??

Oh ffs.

I'm a bit baffled by these responses. Sure, when the baby is here it would be nice/polite to involve your MIL in key events (provided she doesn't behave like a dick) but the baby shower is really for you - an opportunity to catch up with those you're closest to before it becomes trickier with a newborn. I'd probably reframe it as a get together with your family and organise it yourself.

You have a bee in your bonnet about her which is your problem tbh. Unfair to take it out on the grandmother's, nothing you've said sparks any concern about DH mum and like my hubbies side he takes the kids to her one she can't drive and is older

You say she is active in your sons life, so I am not sure what the problem is.

Anyway you have a boy. Maybe one day karma will bite when you find his wife cuts you out of the picture.

@Molllsx "for DS I didn’t have a baby shower just a gathering and there was 8 total - mil didn’t come as she had a bug , my mum had sorted it all so had invited her"

A gathering specifically to celebrate the baby. Yeah, that's a baby shower.

I’d invite her for the quiet life. Stick her in the corner next to an elderly aunt. I’m sure there will be so much going on you’ll not notice her.

Don't invite her. You will resent her even more. It is a party for YOU. You should enjoy it. Mil does not need to know. You are entitled to you own joy. You could always go an a separate thing if you (are made to) feel guilty about it or think you owe her. Maybe your mum needs to have explained to her the dynamics?
Good luck.

I suspect that is the intention.

YES! 👏👏👏

Yep!

It's OP's pregnancy, she can decide who she wants to spend time with!

But that exactly is my point.

How does your husband feel about HIS mum and HIS parents as grandparents? About the relationship between HIS children and HIS parents, HIS children’s grandparents.

You are a family, it is not all about you and yours.

Perhaps your mum is considering how she would feel not to be invited to a baby shower by a daughter-in-law because she wasn't as important as the other grandma.
Your relationship with your mum and mother-in-law will always be different but your childs relationship should value each equally (not counting abuse etc)

I don’t get it. Why does there seem to be an idea that if you’re pregnant you can’t have lunch with your family only? You’re not property, of course you can still socialise with your family only.

It’s not a baby shower and seeing as we don’t live in America, I highly doubt her MiL is expecting her to have one.

I think your mother is correct.
To invite your DCs grandmother is appropriate.
Your mother doesn't have any issues with your MIL and doesn't wish to. You need to be respectful, tactful sometimes to people who are not your favourites.
You will need to be able to attend functions and include the mother of your partner and the grandmother of your child in family celebrations for the rest of your life.

Grow up. Get used to being well mannered. The woman will be speaking with others; you will not have to mingle for hours and the older your child becomes it's likely that he will love his grandmother more and more.

Your basically telling OP that as a woman she needs to ignore her own needs and be MIL’s doormat.