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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t want to invite MIL

93 replies

Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:08

Due with DC2 early next year , I have a small family and small group of friends

for DS I didn’t have a baby shower just a gathering and there was 8 total - mil didn’t come as she had a bug , my mum had sorted it all so had invited her

Now a lots happened since then , things are quite distant from MIL from me. She’s active in my sons life, I won’t ever let my opinion affect their relationship. But she plays favourites amongst grandkids, it’d be wrong whoever it is but I take it personal as my DS is just generally not really fussed over. She makes minimal to no effort reallt I said active part in DS’ life but that’s because my DH really wants her to be and puts all the effort in

she asks DH for money a bit ,but doesn’t take into consideration what he’s got going on in life and why he may not want to touch his savings

there’s so much I could go into but it’s personal so I’ll leave it there

my mum asked about doing a little gathering to celebrate DC2. I said yes just small and it’ll be at her house just as I want to celebrate again but just with my nearest and dearest , it’ll be like an afternoon tea vibe

She mentioned inviting MIL, I asked could we not as I’d like to just celebrate with my side, it’s a few hours and again really small gathering

she has went off , flipped and said I’m awful and should

Maybe I am being blunt but I just kind of don’t want to invite someone who I wouldn’t want there?

OP posts:

Mamai90 · 12/10/2023 08:55

It's your husbands baby too and this is his mum who he wants involved in his children's lives.

I feel sorry for mothers of sons, they can't seem to do anything right going by what I read on here. My MIL touched lucky with me it seems as I treat her like I would my own Mum!

Meceme · 12/10/2023 09:04

M4J4 · 12/10/2023 08:55

Your basically telling OP that as a woman she needs to ignore her own needs and be MIL’s doormat.

Show quote history

No Im really not. Im just suggesting a bit of consideration (as suggested by the OPs mum) could ease their future relationship to the benefit of both.

BoohooWoohoo · 12/10/2023 09:23

Do you invite your MIL to events like Christmas, christenings, ds1 parties?
If it's a baby shower then I think it's polite to invite both sides of the family. I understand why you're not fussed by MIL's attendance but considering your husband's efforts in pretending that his side of the family are as interested as yours, is he going to be pissed off that you're not doing the same? You don't want to fall out over not inviting her to an event that she might not travel for anyway.

I think that your mum's reaction is way OTT. I would have raised an eyebrow at excluding MIL and asked you questions but I wouldn't have had such a strong reaction.

If you're not going to invite MIL then don't call the event a baby shower and treat it like a random gathering that families might have.

Naunet · 12/10/2023 11:20

Mamai90 · 12/10/2023 08:55

It's your husbands baby too and this is his mum who he wants involved in his children's lives.

I feel sorry for mothers of sons, they can't seem to do anything right going by what I read on here. My MIL touched lucky with me it seems as I treat her like I would my own Mum!

Dear god, the baby isn’t even born! How much bonding can she do exactly with OPs bump? Is she part her DHs property now?

Mothers of sons just need to raise their boys to value and be responsible for their own relationships with their own families, rather than expecting their DiL to be the one doing all the arranging.

LaurieStrode · 12/10/2023 12:59

Mamai90 · 12/10/2023 08:55

It's your husbands baby too and this is his mum who he wants involved in his children's lives.

I feel sorry for mothers of sons, they can't seem to do anything right going by what I read on here. My MIL touched lucky with me it seems as I treat her like I would my own Mum!

Then MIL can host something. OP can socialize with her friends and family as she sees fit.

Absolutely absurd that people think MIL should be invited.

LaurieStrode · 12/10/2023 13:00

Naunet · 12/10/2023 08:46

I don’t get it. Why does there seem to be an idea that if you’re pregnant you can’t have lunch with your family only? You’re not property, of course you can still socialise with your family only.

This!

People are bonkers.

Backagain23 · 12/10/2023 13:24

I have similar with my MIL.
I used to make an effort to include her but she's blatantly not that bothered about my DC, her GDC, so now I don't bother with her. Her loss, not my problem.
Not sure why just because you are pregnant you suddenly need to #bekind to someone who is so unimportant in your and your DCs lives.

Sapphire387 · 12/10/2023 16:32

You're pregnant - your baby has not been born and is still inside your body. This gathering should be about you preparing for the birth of your child - therefore you should invite who you want to invite, and feel no pressure to invite people who make you uncomfortable. There is no reason for you to feel obliged to invite MIL.

MyMitMoo · 12/10/2023 16:40

Imagine you are a mil one day. Imagine if you're not invited to your future grandchild's baby shower. How would that make you feel?
Sometimes you just have to make the effott and extend the olive branch, kill with kindness. She also probably gets the vibe you don't like her (which you clearly don't) and that's why she doesn't make much effort as she doesn't want to step on your toes when you obviously don't want her around.

Queucumber · 12/10/2023 16:44

I wouldn’t go out of my way to include grandparents who play favourites.

SahliJ · 12/10/2023 19:42

Queucumber · 12/10/2023 16:44

I wouldn’t go out of my way to include grandparents who play favourites.

Bit of a circle though isn't it.

MiL seems not interested, DiL acts accordingly, MiL is less interested as she feels pushed out, DiL invites her even less….and so it goes on….

Perhaps DiL has hardly ever made her feel welcome, MiL is therefore disinterested….

Chicken and egg!

SahliJ · 12/10/2023 19:49

‘Mothers of sons just need to raise their boys to value and be responsible for their own relationships with their own families, rather than expecting their DiL to be the one doing all the arranging’

Yep, @Naunet - I'm definitely going to take your advice. My sons will be arranging their own baby shower, for their new baby and inviting me, their own mother, the baby’s paternal grandmother but of course will not be inviting their wive’s mother, the baby’s maternal grandmother…..

Fundays12 · 12/10/2023 20:46

My MIL plays favourites with grandkids and mine are not her favourites. However nor do my kids have the pressure and expectations put on them of being the favourite. Unfortunately when kids are favourites it's normally because unrealistic expectations are on them and as they grow they either can't or don't live up to these expectations which is incredibly damaging to them. It either means the child is forced to be someone they are not or clung onto and not allowed to develop into who they are.

However I think you should invite your MIL. If you don't your making it easier for her to say you excluded her. Don't do this let her be involved if she chooses not to take that opportunity it's up to her. Your DH might have been happy to go out of his way to facilitate a relationship with his mother and child but doing so for multiple children is much harder especially as they get older and time constraints such as school, after school activities, playdates etc come into play. I used to try to facilitate one as did DH but now neither of us bothers. If MIL wants us she knows we're go find us and if it convenient for us she can visit us.

Queucumber · 12/10/2023 21:31

Bit of a circle though isn't it

In situations like this where the adult son takes the child to visit his mother, no.
Geographical distance or a difficult relationship with a D/SIL can get in the way of grandparents forming a strong bond with a grandchild. Here, the child is regularly brought to visit their grandmother, without the DIL, and the MIL still isn’t that bothered and favours the other grandchild/ren.

Queucumber · 12/10/2023 21:35

Parents who have an obvious favourite child often go on to favour the offspring of that child over their other grandchildren.

PercyPigInAWig · 12/10/2023 21:45

Well I wouldn’t have a baby shower either but would have no qualms about a gathering of just my side of the family. We do things with in-laws and my family aren’t invited. We don’t mix the families at all unless it can’t be helped (e.g. our wedding). We don’t mix them for Christmas or birthdays, no one minds. If we’re going to the theatre or an event we might ask one side or the other if they would like to come. If I organised something for one of my siblings I would t contact their in-laws.

LaurieStrode · 12/10/2023 22:39

MyMitMoo · 12/10/2023 16:40

The shower (tacky as they are) is not for the unborn infant, it's for a few friends to congratulate and extend best wishes to the mother. There is no law that everyone she's ever met, or everyone who will have some tie to the grandchild, be invited. Traditionally it's for very intimate friends. I would not classify some bitchy MIL into that category.

Just because OP is producing a grandchild doesn't mean she loses agency over her life, how she spends her time, and who with. If her husband wants to invite his mother to see and interact with the child, that's his job. OP is not required to pander to this woman.

StarDolphins · 12/10/2023 22:46

I think it’s mean to leave her out & think you’re being unreasonable.

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