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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to invite MIL

93 replies

Molllsx · 11/10/2023 21:08

Due with DC2 early next year , I have a small family and small group of friends

for DS I didn’t have a baby shower just a gathering and there was 8 total - mil didn’t come as she had a bug , my mum had sorted it all so had invited her

Now a lots happened since then , things are quite distant from MIL from me. She’s active in my sons life, I won’t ever let my opinion affect their relationship. But she plays favourites amongst grandkids, it’d be wrong whoever it is but I take it personal as my DS is just generally not really fussed over. She makes minimal to no effort reallt I said active part in DS’ life but that’s because my DH really wants her to be and puts all the effort in

she asks DH for money a bit ,but doesn’t take into consideration what he’s got going on in life and why he may not want to touch his savings

there’s so much I could go into but it’s personal so I’ll leave it there

my mum asked about doing a little gathering to celebrate DC2. I said yes just small and it’ll be at her house just as I want to celebrate again but just with my nearest and dearest , it’ll be like an afternoon tea vibe

She mentioned inviting MIL, I asked could we not as I’d like to just celebrate with my side, it’s a few hours and again really small gathering

she has went off , flipped and said I’m awful and should

Maybe I am being blunt but I just kind of don’t want to invite someone who I wouldn’t want there?

OP posts:
TheHouseonHauntedHill · 11/10/2023 22:01

How odd and does your own sm understand and know what mil is like?

I don't understand why you need to invite mil? Can't mil do something if she really wants to?

phoenixrosehere · 11/10/2023 22:02

YANBU to not want her invited.

However, considering her indifference, she may not show up anyway if she was.

I guess the only reason for her to be invited is so you don’t look bad for not doing so.

If she does show up and just sits there like she rather be somewhere else, you’ve shown your mum why you didn’t want to invite her in the first place and may stop your mum for saying anything about it in the future. Some people need to see for themselves why certain people aren’t invited to events or are given some distance.

Lotta0 · 11/10/2023 22:03

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TheHouseonHauntedHill · 11/10/2023 22:05

@phoenixrosehere and in the process ruined the entire event for mum?

Op will be anxious snd worried and private not able to enjoy herself so she just sacrifices herself and her enjoyment of a event for her baby because she's held at her mils mercy??

Ragwort · 11/10/2023 22:05

Strictly speaking as your mother is hosting it's up to her who she invites .. maybe you should have organised your own party?

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 11/10/2023 22:07

Or just dont go yourself op? If your own mum can't have your back

Fionaville · 11/10/2023 22:09

Just invite her. It's one day. It's just a baby shower, not the birth! Why make things awkward for your DH? My mil is a bit one sided (bothers with the sils kids more) But I get it. I wouldn't exclude her from anything for her sake, the DCs sake and most of all DH sake.

saraclara · 11/10/2023 22:10

Ragwort · 11/10/2023 22:05

Strictly speaking as your mother is hosting it's up to her who she invites .. maybe you should have organised your own party?

Yep. Your mum suggested the get together, and it's at her house. She's the host.

She clearly recognises that your MIL has equal status to her where this new member of both their families is concerned, which is decent of her. That kind of empathy and generosity is to be appreciated.

phoenixrosehere · 11/10/2023 22:13

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 11/10/2023 22:05

@phoenixrosehere and in the process ruined the entire event for mum?

Op will be anxious snd worried and private not able to enjoy herself so she just sacrifices herself and her enjoyment of a event for her baby because she's held at her mils mercy??

Where did I say she automatically should invite her MIL?

I only said that the only reason I see to invite her MIL is to not be made out to be the bad guy. If OP is really worried about that, then she can invite her, if OP doesn’t care, she doesn’t have to.

Besides, as another poster said, it’s her mum throwing the gathering for OP so it’s really more about if OP cares enough about what her mother thinks of her not inviting her MIL and will she respect OP’s wishes.

Vinrouge4 · 11/10/2023 22:14

i can’t quite see the difference between a baby shower and a gathering of 8 people. Call it what you like it is the same thing and I think you are being mean not to invite your mil.

threefiftysix · 11/10/2023 22:16

I am so surprised by the responses. I don't think you need to ask her! Whether you invite her or not has no bearing on how close she can be to the baby? If it was Babys birthday or something that would be a different story and I would say you had to suck it up and ask her

billy1966 · 11/10/2023 22:17

Why is your mother flipping?

I'd give the whole idea a miss.

Do something with your friends and give both grandmothers a wide berth.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 11/10/2023 22:18

I agree with Billy.

Let your mum do what she likes and do something with who you want.

user1497787065 · 11/10/2023 22:20

If I am reading your post correctly you have an issue with your MIL favouring another GC over your own? It seems that GP almost always favour the first GC over the others and especially in my experience if that child is their daughter’s child. But that seems exactly what you are doing favouring your own mother over your MIL.

10HailMarys · 11/10/2023 22:21

I mean she won’t make more of an effort if I did invite her to this. Nothing would really get her to make more of an effort but that’s not my concern I’ve made peace with it

I’m sorry but this is a weird, transactional and selfish way to conduct family relationships.

You should invite your child’s grandmother to your celebration because she is the child’s grandmother, not because you hope to get some ‘effort’ from her in return.

Morred · 11/10/2023 22:21

Who else is going? Is it just your female relatives (aunts, sisters, etc? If so, I think it’s just about acceptable not to invite MIL and instead suggest you do something else with “her side” (DH’s aunts, sister, mum, etc). Just say how nice it would be to have two events and see if your MIL takes up the idea. If she doesn’t oh well bad luck it just never quite got off the ground.

If you’ve got friends etc coming to the one your mum is hosting then it’s rude not to invite your MIL. Of course you CAN not invite her, but it’s rude and she’ll be put out.

Original poster
Molllsx · 11/10/2023 22:22

@user1497787065 again its not really comparable? My mum is my mum, my relation

Grandchildren are all her relation, they’re all her family? I get first grandchild excitement, but my mum manages to be fair amongst the 4 she has already soon to be 5. Never seen a glimmer of favouritism anywhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Molllsx · 11/10/2023 22:23

@10HailMarys this isn’t why I don’t want to invite her because of her lack of effort. I’m just explaining to the original comment that she won’t bother with my kids because of a small celebration I invite her to (or not)

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 11/10/2023 22:25

YANBU X

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 11/10/2023 22:28

Does your mother know and understand your mils favouritism and lack of effort?

If so then it's cruel of her not to understand your hurt.

Kay286 · 11/10/2023 22:30

I agree with you and I wouldn’t invite ! All these people saying you’re a horrible person I don’t get.
Im now at an age in life where i can comfortably stop people pleasing and do things for people which don’t return the effort and deserve it.
My mil is awful. I literally now give zero effort - no regrets. It’s your day why should you have someone there you don’t want.

Hankunamatata · 11/10/2023 22:32

Would your husband feel hurt if she wasn't invited. It's one thing to kinda know your parent isn't interested but it can be very upsetting to have it brought into the open so to speak

Lizzieregina · 11/10/2023 22:36

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But in your case I’d probably invite her and hope she doesn’t come! Since you said she doesn’t make much effort, she might not bother.

Ilefttownonsaturday · 11/10/2023 22:36

Fast forward 25+ years and consider how you'd react when you're not invited to your dils baby shower.......

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/10/2023 22:39

YANBU

It's a small family (your side) gathering. If you're not comfortable with her being there, then I wouldn't invite her either. I really don't see the big deal in not inviting her.