My sister's a cow and mum's sad- what do I do?!

[WhatToDoAboutTheNosys]

The basic gist is that my mum's really mentally struggling, is chatting to some support on the phone and waiting for a proper referral for depression.

My DS1 is the unreasonable one. She doesn't seem to care in the slightest, won't ask my mum how she is or have any sort of nice chat you'd expect a daughter to have with her mum in this position.

I'm going to give a little family round up to explain the situation. My mum and dad split up when I was 2, DS2 was 6, DS1 was 8. He's never made much effort, my mum used to try push him to see us but I basically don't feel like I have a dad and don't have a bond with him. DS2 likes to think that she does, DS1 actually does despite him acting being her step dad, but from a very young age.

DS2 wants everything to be happy, fine and normal so just pretends that it is. My mum reminded the both of us that she split from my dad because he got violent with her, but she literally doesn't want to acknowledge that.

My mum's councilling and mental state means she's remembering all of the abusive stuff my dad did to her (I don't know the details but although she's sensitive I believe her). She's decided she's done and will never see my dad again. We've all accepted it, however I'm the one one who doesn't care at all because it doesn't effect my relationship with him.

The problem is DS1 is renovating her house and my dad basically lives with her to do it and will for a long time. We all have kids, DS1 has the most and my mum used to go round and see them loads. DM has an isolated life, tonnes of acquaintances, but she pushes friends away (I think my dad screwed her up good) and only really has us. DS1 claims to be too busy and isn't making any effort at all for my mum to see them now that she's avoiding my dad.

The bigger problem as I said at the start is she just will not be kind and supportive with my mum's depression. I asked her to ask my mum how she was when she was seeing her briefly last week and her response was that she's helped her so much in the past with paperwork and ordering things online for her- which I feel is irrelevant to the issue!!

We used to all pretend that things are ok like DS2 does but in the past couple of years I've got sick of DS1 and call her out because she's often removed and unfriendly (I basically began when she wasn't happy for me being pregnant- enough is enough). The other day I sent her the following message

"I am struggling to grasp what's going on/what you're thinking. Why are you not making any effort to see if mum is ok- that emotional support that doesn't require actions just chatting to her? You haven't acknowledged anything about it that I've seen? Or if you are could you tell us so we're aware of what support she's having?".

There was no reply and there won't be. My mum says she feels my dad is chosen over her, DS1 doesn't care about her, it makes her sad and she misses the kids.

What do I do? Is there anything I CAN do? I would cut contact with DS1 if it wasn't for my DC missing out on seeing cousins and my mum and DS2 would be so gutted with a broken up family.

Gosh aren't you just the pillar of wonder judging your siblings and telling them what they should be doing! Leave her alone.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose my mum has 3 adults she's close to in her life and I should let one of them not give a crap about her? How can a kid not show any care about their struggling mum?!

Just concentrate on your own relationship with your DM, you can't influence how your sister treats her mother. You might have to get more assertive with your mother saying things like 'it's just how it is mum, let's not worry about things we can't change .. now, how about a trip to see that new film at the cinema?'.
My mother has a fractured relationship with one of her DC (my sibling) ... to be honest I can see faults on both sides but just keep out if it and refuse to engage in talking about it.

Hahahaha bet my last quid that you’re the golden wonder child and your eldest sister had a totally different experience of your mother growing up.

Their relationship is different, her experience of her mum and step dad is different from yours. You see your mum as a victim here, bringing you up alone when her abusive dad left.
Your eldest sister will have a much more complicated understanding of the situation- possibly more accurate than yours, possibly less. She loved her step dad, saw things that impacted and perhaps traumatised her, missed him when he left, needs to secure her relationship with him so he doesn’t disappear.

Your mum may have adultified her, or failed to protect her from a toxic situation.

You are very unreasonable to try to control how she feels and behaves.

Your mum may be manipulating you, or your sister may just think she is.

It’s so much more complicated than you describe.

I have sympathy, but, kindly, you can't control your siblings and that text message was out of order.

It's great that you're supportive of your mum but ultimately it is her life - if she needs more support, it's more beneficial for her to seek it out herself, like new groups/hobbies/friends, rather than relying on her grown up kids.

It sounds like your sister has a lot going on already, your mum does need to take responsibility for herself - that's part of getting better, too.

It isn't for you to "let" another adult feel how they feel. You don't get a say. So your sister was old enough to be aware of the issues in your parents marriage and stuffer because your Dad left? Acknowledge that. Your Mum wasn't the only one in the equation to consider. Age of children makes a difference. Your Mum pushed them to have a relationship. This is her Dad. She shouldn't have to choose. Your Mum's MH situation is a separate matter. For all you know your sister might just about keep it together. If your Dad was violent why did she push the relationship? I agree leave your sister alone.

It’s quite possible that your Dsis has had a very difference experience with your mother than you have. It’s true for me…my mum has never been the mum I’ve needed, we’ve never been close and for a lot of my younger years I felt like I was a massive pain to her. My sister on the other hand would say that she’s the perfect mother. I’ve struggled with this quite a lot over the years (especially latter teenage years) but I’ve made my peace with it now.

Focus on your relationship with your mum and how you can help her.

Your mum needs counselling to help her move on from the past.

Your sisters are not responsible for your mum's mental health and it is wrong of you to try to put that responsibility on them. They are allowed to have a relationship with their father if they choose. That is between them and their father and is not indicative of how they feel about their mother. If your mother suggests it is, you should be shutting that idea down immediately not encouraging those destructive thoughts.

You do sound very judgemental.
It sounds like your mother is the major relationship in your life. Are you married? You sound very over involved in your mother's life. You can't fix other people's relationships. Ultimately it is up to them.
Does your mother guilt trip your sister?

I don't think you're right to try and control your siblings relationship with their mother.
Just focus on your own relationship with her.

Like you I would expect a sibling to step up and help out their parent, however having the sibling I do have, I expect nothing, they are useless and are only around when they are after something. Much easier to be there for my mum myself without useless sibling, they will live to regret it!

It's not your relationship to manage.

You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink so leave her to it and stay out of their relationship.

From experience, I promise you'll be happier if you accept things and focus on what you're doing. If you're overwhelmed by your mum, you need to step back.

Presumably you don't remember a time when your parents were together and only have your mother's word for it. Your sister does, and probably remembers good times with him as well as bad.

Just because you think your mother is the innocent victim doesn't mean that's the truth. I'm not condoning violence, but there could have been more to it (she could have been violent too, it happens). You need to respect your sisters.

My older brother's experience of my mother growing up was that she'd give him money to do whatever he wanted, even if that meant taking from me, he was always out with his mates at the weekends and in the evenings while I was the one left at home dealing with her drunkenness, picking her up after she'd fallen, making sure she hadn't left the chip pan on when she fell asleep or a had lit cigarette in her hand. So yeah, as adults our relationship with our mother is incredibly different. He maintains a close relationship with her so he can keep taking whereas I keep my distance.

You have absolutely no idea of what experiences your sister went through probably until she was a young teenager given your age difference and you have absolutely no right to judge her relationship with your mother now.

Your sister has had a completely different experience of your mum and dad.
Please stop judging her and accept that because of that she has different relationships with them.
Oh and message her to apologise for that message.

You have no right to dictate to your sister the relationship she has with HER mother.

In therapy terms, you're acting as a flying monkey and it's toxic.

I would have ignored that message as well. It was controlling and patronising.

Leave your sister alone and concentrate on your own relationship with your mother.

It's not up to you to manage your sisters' relationship with your mother. And no child - even an adult - should have to take on responsibility for a parent's mental health.
I imagine your older siblings have a different view to you on how you were parented. They're older and you don't know what they remember.
If you're happy to support your mother then do so.
But sending bossy messages to your sister will cause a complete rift so back off.

YABVU. Concentrate on your own relationship with your mother. Your siblings’ relationship with her is none of your business.

She should not be using any of her children for emotional support.

YABVU and need to just mind your own business. Look after your mum as you see fit, and keep to your own lane

Im the equivalent of DS1 in your story and I have a whole lot of sympathy with her and feel extremely irritated with you! Keep your beak out of it. In my case, I am exhausted by my mums neediness and constant need for sympathy, understanding and support - its endless and completely draining. Why are you or any of your siblings responsible for your moms happiness and emotional support? She has agency over her own life. Youre being played like a fiddle to intercede and bully/persuade /emotionally blackmail your sister into falling back into line and making your moms emotional wellbeing her no 1 priority again. This is unhealthy and unwise. Your sister and indeed all of you have a right to a relationship with your father - maybe he is the devil incarnate and a bad man, but you should not have to choose sides to demonstrate your loyalty and love to one over the other. You may well get there, but it should be your own choice.

Wow I was posting here more for traffic than thinking it was an AIBU 😅

It's pretty unanimous, I'm glad I asked because I honestly didn't expect this and people I speak to in real life haven't put it like this at all.

You're all right I'm sure we have different views and we definitely have different experiences from our age gap and growing up.

My sister used to be lovely all round but has genuinely changed over the past few years, I genuinely haven't thought she was a good person for a long time. So stopping being involved and only seeing her when the family get together (I don't love locally) will actually be nice for me.

As for my mum, she certainly needs more of a network and no not lean on us so much but that's much easier said than done to get to happen. I will try to stand trong and drop her going on about DS1 though as she's absolutely gutted and talking about it a lot, which I know isn't helping her

I think posters are being incredibly unkind. It is perfectly normal to feel upset if a sibling pretty much abandons a parent, normal people would not just go around and pretend this is absolutely fine, nor should they. Seeing someone they love be hurt is of course hurtful.

At the end of the day, the OP's sister's relationship with her mother is her choice, however she is not exempt nor should she be of the judgment of the rest of her family's for that choice.

I think these answers are harsh. There's a woman here, who has been the victim of domestic abuse, who has repressed the memories (hence pushing the kids to have a relationship with their dad) and whose memories are now coming to the surface. A woman who has put lots of effort into helping her daughter but isn't getting and now feels she isn't important to her child, now the child isn't getting anything practical from her. She might be right, or that just might be her perception. But it is how she feels.
The daughter is currently getting lots of practical (and expensive to pay for) help from the dad, so he's flavour of the month. Coincidence? Again, might be, might not be.

Yes it is complicated when a child loves both parents and misses the dad, who may well have been lovely to her while simultaneously being abusive to the mum. It's a hard thing to reconcile and she's probably struggling with the disconnect between the two positions. But it's not a big thing to ring her mum and say 'how are you?'

It's also hard for the OP to see her mum feel sad. I don't think she deserves snarky comments. Maybe the mum wasn't perfect but if older dd was happy to accept her help in previous times, she should be willing to put a bit of effort on now.

It can be a big thing to ring mum and ask ‘how are you?’
It puts the eldest sister back in the position she was when the parents relationship fell apart, caring for the only parent left.