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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister's a cow and mum's sad- what do I do?!

82 replies

WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 11/10/2023 07:39

The basic gist is that my mum's really mentally struggling, is chatting to some support on the phone and waiting for a proper referral for depression.

My DS1 is the unreasonable one. She doesn't seem to care in the slightest, won't ask my mum how she is or have any sort of nice chat you'd expect a daughter to have with her mum in this position.

I'm going to give a little family round up to explain the situation. My mum and dad split up when I was 2, DS2 was 6, DS1 was 8. He's never made much effort, my mum used to try push him to see us but I basically don't feel like I have a dad and don't have a bond with him. DS2 likes to think that she does, DS1 actually does despite him acting being her step dad, but from a very young age.

DS2 wants everything to be happy, fine and normal so just pretends that it is. My mum reminded the both of us that she split from my dad because he got violent with her, but she literally doesn't want to acknowledge that.

My mum's councilling and mental state means she's remembering all of the abusive stuff my dad did to her (I don't know the details but although she's sensitive I believe her). She's decided she's done and will never see my dad again. We've all accepted it, however I'm the one one who doesn't care at all because it doesn't effect my relationship with him.

The problem is DS1 is renovating her house and my dad basically lives with her to do it and will for a long time. We all have kids, DS1 has the most and my mum used to go round and see them loads. DM has an isolated life, tonnes of acquaintances, but she pushes friends away (I think my dad screwed her up good) and only really has us. DS1 claims to be too busy and isn't making any effort at all for my mum to see them now that she's avoiding my dad.

The bigger problem as I said at the start is she just will not be kind and supportive with my mum's depression. I asked her to ask my mum how she was when she was seeing her briefly last week and her response was that she's helped her so much in the past with paperwork and ordering things online for her- which I feel is irrelevant to the issue!!

We used to all pretend that things are ok like DS2 does but in the past couple of years I've got sick of DS1 and call her out because she's often removed and unfriendly (I basically began when she wasn't happy for me being pregnant- enough is enough). The other day I sent her the following message

"I am struggling to grasp what's going on/what you're thinking. Why are you not making any effort to see if mum is ok- that emotional support that doesn't require actions just chatting to her? You haven't acknowledged anything about it that I've seen? Or if you are could you tell us so we're aware of what support she's having?".

There was no reply and there won't be. My mum says she feels my dad is chosen over her, DS1 doesn't care about her, it makes her sad and she misses the kids.

What do I do? Is there anything I CAN do? I would cut contact with DS1 if it wasn't for my DC missing out on seeing cousins and my mum and DS2 would be so gutted with a broken up family.

OP posts:
IkeaMeatballGravy · 11/10/2023 10:42

Why is your Mum bitching about your sister to you? It's totally unfair of her to do that. Good on your DS2 for shutting the conversation down.

Would you want to make an effort with someone who bitches about you?

Original poster
WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 11/10/2023 10:52

@IkeaMeatballGravy is it not human nature to speak to somebody close to you and say things like "I'm so upset I saw x today and she didn't talk to me" or "I'm really struggling I wonder why x never asks if I'm ok".

If that wasn't normal would half of this forum even exist and how would people give support to each other- a problem shared is a problem halved

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 11/10/2023 10:59

People who are mentally unwell or dealing with a resurgence of buried trauma, don't always behave impeccably.
I know someone who has complex ptsd and who maintained a relationship with their abuser because they had buried what really happened. When they were out of that house and memories came back, they stopped thinking that what had happened to them was normal and cut contact. Do it's possible OP's mum is all of a sudden trying to process events from years ago.
Maybe the sister finds it too hard to think about and is therefore distancing herself and pretending everything is okay. Speaking to her mum reminds her that it isn't. Or sister might just not give a crap, so long as she is doing okay. Or there might be something else going on with her that she hasn't disclosed. No one here can say for sure that sister is definitely right, that OP was the golden child or that she's shit stirring (that's particularly harsh imo). She's just someone whose mum is hurting and whose sister doesn't seem bothered by that. I think most people would be a bit 'wtf?' with their sibling. Especially if the sibling has been off with them in other situations too.

LadyBird1973 · 11/10/2023 11:01

I also don't think mum should be paying it on you OP, but if she's struggling, then people do sometimes talk to the wrong person. My nan did it to my mum and it's not great but I can see how it happens.

MCOut · 11/10/2023 11:05

YABVU Ultimately, your mother made the decision to prioritise her mental health, which is completely understandable. However, she cannot expect DS1 to rearrange her life to accommodate this.

It sounds like DS1 has got a lot on and if she has been particularly supportive before now, it might be that she genuinely does not have the internal resources to provide your Mum with support right now. Whatever the reason, you need to respect her choices.

For you, it might just be talking, but for your sister, these conversations might be a draining guilt trip that might be damaging to her mental health. You don’t know because you’re not a part of them. For all you know she could have been temporarily distancing herself until she feels better able to be supportive but in trying to guilt her with your text you’ve made it even less likely that she’s going to engage with your mum.

Your text was completely out of order, she’s not obliged to divulge any of her conversations or thought processes to you. It is your mum’s responsibility to bear the burden of her own mental health. Similarly, if she wants a better social network, she’s got to go and put in the effort to create one.

BlueEyedPeanut · 11/10/2023 11:08

To be honest, it just sounds like your sister has had enough of your mother's issues. I do not know how old anyone is here, but if you were 2 when your parents split, then I am guessing this was over 20 years ago. But only now has your mother decided to ignore your father, even though it means not seeing her grandchildren, which she is blaming your sister for ("she chose her father over me").

Tell me this, does your mother ever accept responsibility for anything in her life? Or is it always someone else's fault? You are behaving like a flying monkey. If your mother wants a relationship with your sister, then your mother needs to sort it out.

Goldfish41 · 11/10/2023 11:20

I think a lot of these replies are very harsh (and presumptive) OP - if you’ve had very different responses from others who actually know the people involved and the situation I would be inclined to put more store in those than a bunch of strangers on the internet who seem to have decided on a complete backstory for your sister and mother here! The only point I am in agreement with is that you can’t manage this relationship for them, the most you could do is talk to your sister about whether this is because of deep seated issues she has with your mother (you don’t mention her having raised that?) and perhaps get more of an understanding of what’s behind all of this.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 11/10/2023 11:25

@Goldfish41 but if all the other people op and her dm have talked to (about how dreadful ds1 is...) are only hearing one side of the story of course they'll side with the teller of it.
Are you/dm just pissed off ds1 wont do as you're telling her? That for 20 years is it, her having a relationship with dad was OK, but now you and she have decided its not well that's it she needs to stop?

Godzillaisjusthangry · 11/10/2023 11:41

@Goldfish41 given that the op titled her thread ' my sister's a cow' doesn't suggest she's objective on the situation or is considering how her sister might actually feel. Think the OP has been harsh in her judgement of her sister.

Original poster
WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 11/10/2023 11:45

I'd never heard of being a flying monkey until I was diagnosed as one so many times today 😂

Just fyi the text I sent was in response to not saying anything for ages, then gently trying a few times before I sent that message to try and get more to the bottom of things and actually get a response.

I'm very shocked that so many people think it's fine for a daughter to not show their mum they give a toss about them. I'm sure we'd all be devastated if our own kids did this to us.

However I'm taking it on board that I need to step back from trying to change anything. I'll tell mum to stop taking about it so much. I've already tried to say she needs to stop dwelling on it but will draw a clearer line so hopefully she can move past it a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 11/10/2023 11:49

@Godzillaisjusthangry if you have seen all of my posts you'll see some other examples of why I've unfortunately lost faith in my sister. I've tried speaking to her to see if anything's wrong a few times. She says there isn't, so from the evidence I have I stand by the cow comment

OP posts:
Enko · 11/10/2023 11:54

@Goldfish41. In part when we speak with people we know they care about us and due to this are involved.

If op is saying to friends. Something like "I dont get why my sister is being so mean to my mum all mum wants is a to see her grandchildren" the response is likely to be more in style of "oh that sounds so hard you would think your sister would want to Foster a good relationship" "you can only do so much" "don't beat yourself up over it"

If you care about someone you are less likely to say "wow you were out of order" more likely to say " while I get why you did that do you think that will work?" And op will take from that "my friend understands me and is on my side aka I am right" where as friend may have a different view but their focus is on supporting their friend whom they care about.

@WhatToDoAboutTheNosys your sister was much older when your parents parted and she will have her own experiences and trauma from this. What you describe as a mother who made fun of hard things a sister 4 years older than you may habe felt a responsibility for. As then older sister she may have felt forced to be distant with her father as mother wouldn't approve (doesn't matter if mother did or not we are looking at how this may have felt for a 6 year old) and sister may now have come to a part where she have decided she wants to pull away from your mother's issues and focus on her own.

That she takes on more meetings than she has to at work has nothing to do with this. She may enjoy her work. She may be working towards a promotion, want to be considered for some further education paid for by work. I take on extra meetings at work because I want to understand our processes and it supports my work

Your experiences as a child will have been very different to your sisters as you are 2 different people. You need to respect your sister makes different choices to you. If you love her then let her know the door is open and you are there. Just stop deciding how she should behave and whom she should see. Allow her to make her choices just like your mum made hers.

I get its hard. My brother cut contact with our sister for 18 years. To begin with he was adamant the rest of us had to do so too or "we were taking her side" I told him I care about tou both and I am here but you do not get to chose whom is in my life. I will respect you are not wanting contact and I wont mention our sister around you or invite you both to mine at the same thing. But in return you respect it is my choice if I keep her in my life.

He coped and oddly 8 years ago when our mother died they made up and these days are actually closer than he and I are.

We need to allow each person autonomy to make their adult choices. You are putting conditions on your sisters choices.

Goldfish41 · 11/10/2023 12:33

Enko · 11/10/2023 11:54

@Goldfish41. In part when we speak with people we know they care about us and due to this are involved.

If op is saying to friends. Something like "I dont get why my sister is being so mean to my mum all mum wants is a to see her grandchildren" the response is likely to be more in style of "oh that sounds so hard you would think your sister would want to Foster a good relationship" "you can only do so much" "don't beat yourself up over it"

If you care about someone you are less likely to say "wow you were out of order" more likely to say " while I get why you did that do you think that will work?" And op will take from that "my friend understands me and is on my side aka I am right" where as friend may have a different view but their focus is on supporting their friend whom they care about.

@WhatToDoAboutTheNosys your sister was much older when your parents parted and she will have her own experiences and trauma from this. What you describe as a mother who made fun of hard things a sister 4 years older than you may habe felt a responsibility for. As then older sister she may have felt forced to be distant with her father as mother wouldn't approve (doesn't matter if mother did or not we are looking at how this may have felt for a 6 year old) and sister may now have come to a part where she have decided she wants to pull away from your mother's issues and focus on her own.

That she takes on more meetings than she has to at work has nothing to do with this. She may enjoy her work. She may be working towards a promotion, want to be considered for some further education paid for by work. I take on extra meetings at work because I want to understand our processes and it supports my work

Your experiences as a child will have been very different to your sisters as you are 2 different people. You need to respect your sister makes different choices to you. If you love her then let her know the door is open and you are there. Just stop deciding how she should behave and whom she should see. Allow her to make her choices just like your mum made hers.

I get its hard. My brother cut contact with our sister for 18 years. To begin with he was adamant the rest of us had to do so too or "we were taking her side" I told him I care about tou both and I am here but you do not get to chose whom is in my life. I will respect you are not wanting contact and I wont mention our sister around you or invite you both to mine at the same thing. But in return you respect it is my choice if I keep her in my life.

He coped and oddly 8 years ago when our mother died they made up and these days are actually closer than he and I are.

We need to allow each person autonomy to make their adult choices. You are putting conditions on your sisters choices.

Maybe, maybe not, we don’t know who she has spoken to and whether they are her friends or people in the family who might have broader perspectives on things. All I’m saying is that some posters on here have clearly decided exactly who these people are and what the dynamic is on very little information.

I agree that she can’t control this, but I think some of the conclusions people have leapt to - sister obviously deeply damaged by things mother has done, mother never taking responsibility for anything in her life (??), OP a flying monkey - go a little bit far when we don’t know very much about this situation.

Beangrove · 11/10/2023 12:40

OP for whatever reason, your sister has decided she won't/can't support your mother at this particular point in time. Maybe for some deep seated psychological reason rooted in her childhood (which as so many have said will she will have experienced in a totally different way to you), maybe just because she has a lot on her plate at the moment and can't be arsed with it all. Only she knows. The key thing is there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and haranguing her is only likely to make her want to distance herself further. Leave her be, and focus on supporting your mother if you want and feel able to.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 11/10/2023 12:41

I'm very shocked that so many people think it's fine for a daughter to not show their mum they give a toss about them. I'm sure we'd all be devastated if our own kids did this to us.
Has your mum shown to your dsis that she 'gives a toss' about her?
Or is it all about centering your mum and her needs and if you don't you're a cow?

LadyBird1973 · 11/10/2023 12:54

OP, you might be better to post in Relationships

PatchouliOilandRoses · 11/10/2023 13:00

Your mum sounds manipulative with her woe is me routine.
You sound like her flying monkey as others have pointed out.
This is one thread that I would absolutely love to hear from DS1's point of view!!!

MackenCheese · 11/10/2023 13:19

Another person here who wouldn't pick up the phone. I'm well aware that my dad is ill, frail and struggling. But every time I think about him, I think of the physical abuse and verbal abuse. The latter up to quite recently . Sorry , sometimes it's about setting boundaries and allowing oneself to be protected.

Enko · 11/10/2023 13:43

Goldfish41 · 11/10/2023 12:33

Maybe, maybe not, we don’t know who she has spoken to and whether they are her friends or people in the family who might have broader perspectives on things. All I’m saying is that some posters on here have clearly decided exactly who these people are and what the dynamic is on very little information.

I agree that she can’t control this, but I think some of the conclusions people have leapt to - sister obviously deeply damaged by things mother has done, mother never taking responsibility for anything in her life (??), OP a flying monkey - go a little bit far when we don’t know very much about this situation.

Show quote history

I think when we have a post like " my sister is a cow" it is all one-sided towards the mother. What is seen is a sister/daughter who has sided very much to one side. Even after she was told rather bluntly by others she has gone wrong she stands by calling her sister a cow. This gives judgements from people.

Sometimes hearing a blunter perspective can make us sit up and take notice and consider our own involvement in this. OP to me comes across as if she feels she knows the truth "Mum is x dad is y". In life, people are rarely black and white. It may do the op some good to consider this and draw her own involvement back a few notches.

Op can remain within her truth without forcing her sister or mother to be in her truth with her. The truth can be multifaceted.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 11/10/2023 13:55

Also agree with @Enko re the b&w thinking.
Op you come across as 'mum says this happened, x did/didn't do this therefore it's absolutely true'.

sparklefresh · 11/10/2023 13:57

YANBU. Your mum is struggling and you shouldn't be expected to support her alone just because your sister can't be arsed.

Brefugee · 11/10/2023 13:59

WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 11/10/2023 07:45

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose my mum has 3 adults she's close to in her life and I should let one of them not give a crap about her? How can a kid not show any care about their struggling mum?!

much as you want to, it is not up to you to tell other adults how to live their lives.

Concentrate on what you can do for your mum and let the others do the same. Or not. However they feel about it is not up to you

hellohelp · 11/10/2023 14:10

That was really interesting to watch every single poster be unanimous and point out the same things to op

Coughingdodger · 11/10/2023 14:33

hellohelp · 11/10/2023 14:10

That was really interesting to watch every single poster be unanimous and point out the same things to op

Hopefully she’ll get the message and her life will be the more peaceful for it.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 11/10/2023 14:34

sparklefresh · 11/10/2023 13:57

YANBU. Your mum is struggling and you shouldn't be expected to support her alone just because your sister can't be arsed.

What exactly is the op doing that's so hard? She chats on the phone as they don't live close, most of the chat seems to be moaning about ds1 and why she just won't do what the dm and op want her to do?