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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Desperately want to move but parents say I’m failing son

127 replies

housemoveproblems · 10/10/2023 18:49

I’m 28 with a long-term partner and we have a 4 year old son who is autistic, non verbal, with quite complex needs.

I have been independent since the age of 18 when I moved out as soon as I could due to how unhappy I was with my family. We have our own business so do not rely on them for anything financially, and they do not do anything childcare wise either.

After giving birth I developed quite severe postpartum depression and OCD. I was told for months by my mum not to tell the doctors because I would have my son taken away. I dealt with a lot of hurtful comments throughout this time about being a failure of a mum, my weight, attention seeking etc. I did end up seeing a psychiatrist, started seeing a CBT therapist and found a medication that worked for me and have therefore actually been able to enjoy life as a mum. The doctors were understanding and knew it wasn’t my fault.

We ended up moving house to a bigger house in a nice area, when I told my mum (as I was living close to her at the time) her and my dad screamed in my face telling me moving would ruin DS’ life and that we were failing his needs as parents.

We still decided to move because post partum has given us so many unhappy memories we just needed a fresh start. It was also only 30 minutes away from my parents.

A year ago, my mum guilted my partner and I into moving back under the guise that she would be more supportive and help with all we need. I just had this guilty feeling and I went with it trying to please her. But it’s been awful ever since.

She’s been so consistently spiteful, and when I want space bombards my phone saying I’m taking my DS away from her. I always end up feeling bad and apologising to her even if I’ve not said anything wrong. Just to keep the peace.

But it has been so toxic and last week both of my parents became threatening, screaming in both mine and my partners faces because we hadn’t seen them in a week.

She threatened to take me to court for custody of my son.

I just want to say we have always done everything right by our little boy, we are in frequent contact with his paediatrician, his Portage worker, his 1:1, went through the EHCP process etc.

He is a happy little boy and we adore him - but I can tell their behaviour is upsetting him as he’s become more clingy and getting more upset.

We have secretly been to view a house today. We currently live in a small 2 bed with extortionate rent and council tax just because it’s a posh area (her area).

We love the house we viewed, it’s a bigger 3 bed with a bigger garden and in our price range, it’s 10 minutes from his school, and 25 minutes from my parents.

I am stuck on what to do. We desperately want to move but I don’t know if I can handle the backlash or what she will do or threaten if we do move. I just feel lost and want to get out of this situation.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 10/10/2023 18:54

Go for it- your parents have issues

LongLiveGoblingKing · 10/10/2023 18:56

In your position I would move, not tell them the address, and change your phone number.

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 10/10/2023 18:57

Move!!

Andbreatheee · 10/10/2023 18:57

I think it'd be better to be more than 25 minutes away from them! Failing that though, definitely go for it. This is YOUR life, not theirs, do what is right for your family x

Hankunamatata · 10/10/2023 18:57

Move

Tinkerbyebye · 10/10/2023 18:57

You move. You protect yourself and your family by reducing contact at the same time

NowItsSpring · 10/10/2023 18:58

100% move. Ignore the threats, it's all hot air.

Octobermeterreadtime · 10/10/2023 18:59

Move and don't even tell them. Advise dc's school incase they try to find him or collect him. Bonkers people op. I hope you I'd know even given your mh issues they would never gain custody... All scare shit.. Reason enough to go nc.

SnowflakeCity · 10/10/2023 19:00

Don't give her yoir new address and block her. Send her a message explaining your reasons why before you block her if you like.

CuteCillian · 10/10/2023 19:00

The fact you are still considering their feelings after the way they have acted is strange to me.
I would live wherever I wanted and ensure I never needed to rely on my parents help with LO.

way2serious · 10/10/2023 19:00

You need to move!

PermanentTemporary · 10/10/2023 19:02

I'd carry on seeing the therapist. Tbh though I'd look at finding some psychotherapy as well as CBT. And I'd move. I hope you find the strength to do that.

GimmeGin · 10/10/2023 19:03

Please move. Your parents are behaving terribly. This is not how life is supposed to be. They are the grandparents. That’s it. They would never get custody. Try not to feel guilty.

CalistoNoSolo · 10/10/2023 19:03

Wow, she's properly done a number on you. She's as toxic as fuck and you need to get some serious physical distance from.her for your sake, but also and very importantly, for the sake of your partner and your child. I'd check out the Stately Homes thread in relationships. Aibu is not the place for you or this thread.

Bearcub101 · 10/10/2023 19:03

Please for all of your sanity move! Go low contact. Best thing i ever done for my mental health.

nomadmummy · 10/10/2023 19:05

I’m sorry you are going through this. A child with developmental challenges doesn’t benefit from parents who are stressed. I know from my own experience.

Do you know what triggers her/them?

Did you have an emotionally abusive childhood? Sounds like they have abusive/manipulative tendencies. It’s abusive to threaten custody battle with parents and given your explanation they should be ashamed of themselves.

Move and assertive yourself. “I’m his mum, we’re the parents. Nobody’s stopping you from seeing your grandchild. We’re making the best decision.”

PickAChew · 10/10/2023 19:06

I don't think you could move yourself far enough away from them. They sound truly awful.

Yahyahs22 · 10/10/2023 19:09

LongLiveGoblingKing · 10/10/2023 18:56

In your position I would move, not tell them the address, and change your phone number.

Absolutely this. It will not get any better. NC is the best way with 'parents' like this

PimpMyFridge · 10/10/2023 19:10

I wouldn't let such nasty people dictate your choices.
Focus on you your DH and your son, you know what they're saying is motivated by their own mean selfish agenda and is nothing to do with having your son's best interests at heart.

Millybob · 10/10/2023 19:12

Go for it. And don't give your parents your new address. Don't even tell them you're moving and don't leave a forwarding address with new tenants in case they inadvertently pass it on.

Lynz32 · 10/10/2023 19:13

YANBU

I understand it must be difficult to accept that your parents are abusive, and your continued attempts to please them and do what they want despite this are quite sad to read about.

Stay in therapy and work at unpicking the abuse you've suffered, as well as improving your confidence in putting yourself and your family first. And go NC for yours and your family's sake!

UnfortunateTypo · 10/10/2023 19:13

I think I’d be moving a lot, lot further away than 25 mins from them! Maybe 3-4 hours away. You’ve done nothing wrong, they are controlling and manipulative. What does your partner say?

HerMammy · 10/10/2023 19:15

Move!! this is your life, not hers.
Do what so best for your family, I wouldn't even give her the new address, time to cut her off. I'm 18yr a NC with an abusive mother and it's wonderful.

NeedToChangeName · 10/10/2023 19:16

Maybe you could contact social work for advice and support. They might give you the confidence to move

itsmyp4rty · 10/10/2023 19:20

Your mum has threatened to try to take custody of your child! Move away, don't tell her your new address and have nothing more to do with her.

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