Desperately want to move but parents say I’m failing son

[housemoveproblems]

I’m 28 with a long-term partner and we have a 4 year old son who is autistic, non verbal, with quite complex needs.

I have been independent since the age of 18 when I moved out as soon as I could due to how unhappy I was with my family. We have our own business so do not rely on them for anything financially, and they do not do anything childcare wise either.

After giving birth I developed quite severe postpartum depression and OCD. I was told for months by my mum not to tell the doctors because I would have my son taken away. I dealt with a lot of hurtful comments throughout this time about being a failure of a mum, my weight, attention seeking etc. I did end up seeing a psychiatrist, started seeing a CBT therapist and found a medication that worked for me and have therefore actually been able to enjoy life as a mum. The doctors were understanding and knew it wasn’t my fault.

We ended up moving house to a bigger house in a nice area, when I told my mum (as I was living close to her at the time) her and my dad screamed in my face telling me moving would ruin DS’ life and that we were failing his needs as parents.

We still decided to move because post partum has given us so many unhappy memories we just needed a fresh start. It was also only 30 minutes away from my parents.

A year ago, my mum guilted my partner and I into moving back under the guise that she would be more supportive and help with all we need. I just had this guilty feeling and I went with it trying to please her. But it’s been awful ever since.

She’s been so consistently spiteful, and when I want space bombards my phone saying I’m taking my DS away from her. I always end up feeling bad and apologising to her even if I’ve not said anything wrong. Just to keep the peace.

But it has been so toxic and last week both of my parents became threatening, screaming in both mine and my partners faces because we hadn’t seen them in a week.

She threatened to take me to court for custody of my son.

I just want to say we have always done everything right by our little boy, we are in frequent contact with his paediatrician, his Portage worker, his 1:1, went through the EHCP process etc.

He is a happy little boy and we adore him - but I can tell their behaviour is upsetting him as he’s become more clingy and getting more upset.

We have secretly been to view a house today. We currently live in a small 2 bed with extortionate rent and council tax just because it’s a posh area (her area).

We love the house we viewed, it’s a bigger 3 bed with a bigger garden and in our price range, it’s 10 minutes from his school, and 25 minutes from my parents.

I am stuck on what to do. We desperately want to move but I don’t know if I can handle the backlash or what she will do or threaten if we do move. I just feel lost and want to get out of this situation.

Go. Please just go and understand that is THE best decision you will make for your family. I was guilt tripped about a very similar situation. A few months after moving away my son (with autism) became SO much calmer

Wow I can't believe how your parents have treated you! Definitely move and no contact!

Your parents sound unhinged. Definitely move and I would also consider nc with them for a while. Best of luck

This is your turning point. Take the house, embrace the move, and let it be the start of a future in which YOU are in the driving seat, not your toxic, bullying parents. I advise you to make a clean break with them - no contact at all. Write one very clear letter explaining that the relationship has broken down and you will not be having further contact with them - they are not to contact you again in any form. They will fight it, but you have to stand your ground. The police will help you if they refuse to leave you alone; they may believe that they own you and your family is just a dependent satellite of theirs, but the law says otherwise and harassment is a criminal offence.

I had to do this when ds1 was three, and the toxic batshittery was starting to affect him. They had to be repeatedly visited by the police and threatened with arrest, but they did eventually leave us alone.

Put your son first and have no further contact with these abusive people. Consider moving much further away or don't tell them where you're going

For your Son's sake, move

Do it. Buy the house, move and don’t look back. Your parents are not good people, I’m sorry. I think it’s time to cut ties with them.

OP's mother is doing this because she has failed to grasp rule #1 of parenting: you exist to serve your children's needs, not the other way around. OP's mother believes OP owes her all sorts: time, access to a grandchild, availability as an emotional punching bag etc.

There is absolutely nothing in what OP has described that suggests her mother is struggling with relationships due to neurodiversity. She's toxic and nasty, that is something completely different. The ND community needs further stereotyping as unfeeling psychos like it needs a hole in the head!

Sounds perfect. Enjoy 😊

Move and preferably don't tell them.

@Plonkandplonkers you misunderstand what I have written. I didn't make a link between being abusive and being ND. I am part of that community myself along with my whole family so leave it out please.

Ignore her, move and don’t give them the new address. If she wants to take you to court for custody leave her to it, any solicitor she approaches will tell her it’s a no go as she has no rights to your child.

Put yourself and your family first and keep your abusive parents at arm’s length.

You need to move further away! I honestly wouldn’t give your mother your new address and tell school she absolutely cannot pick up your child. She sounds horrific. I can’t believe she would be such a cow saying you shouldn’t seek help for pnd! Bloody awful.

Move, run.
Go a minimum of LC but consider cutting them off. I promise not a single thing you have written would even get a solicitor to take their money to take on their case to get custody. Telling you not to seek help for post partum is actuall bordering on illegal abuse. Denying you health care.

you owe them nothing, no time for your son. He doesn’t need them in his life. You sound like a great mum.

Please let me be another voice urging you to cut contact with your parents.

You don't owe them anything - no matter what they say.

From now on, firmly tell yourself (and BELIEVE it) that you are doing the right thing for your child and you.

Move, and move far away. Send the text a pp advised and then if they keep bothering you, you can report them for harrassment.

Good luck!

@housemoveproblems

Yes absolutely this. You need to do what's best for yourself and your child and stay well away from this toxic people. They still have their hooks in you 10 years after you left home and they'll do the same with your son if allowed.

Do not tell them your plans - just go ahead and do what you and your partner agree is good for your own lives. If it's feasible to move further away than 25 miles (at least in hour?) that might be easier for you.

Also perhaps consider getting some more counselling and be really open to the therapist to help strengthen you to withstand the negativity being forced on you now and in the future.

Cut communication as much as you can and be wary who else you discuss your plans with so they can't give information to your parents.

Both you and your partner should put your parents on Do Not Disturb in your smartphones and block them on your landline if you have one. Block them on social media if you gave it.

Additionally you may get some comfort in talking to a family law solicitor to allay your fears that they can get custody of your child though the risk of them being successful if small I think. Warn other organisations (eg school/nursery, etc) not to allow any contact with your son and explain why.

Wishing you strength for a happier future OP. 🌹

Your parents are horrible.

Move and don’t tell them where you have gone.

Of course you should move.

You have been conditioned to kowtow to their demands but I can’t understand why your DH will stand by and allow them to scream in his face. My DH would tell them to go fuck themselves and never allow our child to see them again. He needs to step up and advocate for his family where you can’t.

In your position I would move, not tell them the address, and change your phone number.

This 100%.

They are abusive towards you. Put your son, your partner and yourself first and get away from them.

If anyone screamed in my face in front of my child or threatened to take me to court for custody I would never speak to them again. You have done nothing wrong.

Move as far away as you can and don't tell them your address. Tell your son's school/nursery they are not allowed to collect him.

The main reason I'd be moving is to get away from them.

You know what's best for your son and family more than anyone else.

OK, I apologise if I misunderstood, it sounded to me like you were mentioning possible ND almost as some kind of excuse for OP's mother being deeply unpleasant, but I can see that it was a genuine reference to the difficulties regarding relationships that ND people can experience.

I'm sure we can agree that the ND community could do without being stereotyped as unfeeling weirdos though! (Light-hearted!)

Just a little update - we’ve gone ahead with a different house a little further way (40 minutes way). I did tell my parents because I couldn’t imagine moving and not, as predicted I’ve been told I’m failing my son, am selfish and that from now on they are ‘done with me’ and only wish to see my DC.

We move in 2 weeks.

@housemoveproblems that 2 weeks can’t come fast enough.

I’d really reduce the contact with them if not completely go no contact.

they are toxic for you and won’t be a positive long term influence on your child.

You hopefully have decided your dc will not be within the miles apart that you are when you move...