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Original poster

Desperately want to move but parents say I’m failing son

127 replies

housemoveproblems · 10/10/2023 18:49

I’m 28 with a long-term partner and we have a 4 year old son who is autistic, non verbal, with quite complex needs.

I have been independent since the age of 18 when I moved out as soon as I could due to how unhappy I was with my family. We have our own business so do not rely on them for anything financially, and they do not do anything childcare wise either.

After giving birth I developed quite severe postpartum depression and OCD. I was told for months by my mum not to tell the doctors because I would have my son taken away. I dealt with a lot of hurtful comments throughout this time about being a failure of a mum, my weight, attention seeking etc. I did end up seeing a psychiatrist, started seeing a CBT therapist and found a medication that worked for me and have therefore actually been able to enjoy life as a mum. The doctors were understanding and knew it wasn’t my fault.

We ended up moving house to a bigger house in a nice area, when I told my mum (as I was living close to her at the time) her and my dad screamed in my face telling me moving would ruin DS’ life and that we were failing his needs as parents.

We still decided to move because post partum has given us so many unhappy memories we just needed a fresh start. It was also only 30 minutes away from my parents.

A year ago, my mum guilted my partner and I into moving back under the guise that she would be more supportive and help with all we need. I just had this guilty feeling and I went with it trying to please her. But it’s been awful ever since.

She’s been so consistently spiteful, and when I want space bombards my phone saying I’m taking my DS away from her. I always end up feeling bad and apologising to her even if I’ve not said anything wrong. Just to keep the peace.

But it has been so toxic and last week both of my parents became threatening, screaming in both mine and my partners faces because we hadn’t seen them in a week.

She threatened to take me to court for custody of my son.

I just want to say we have always done everything right by our little boy, we are in frequent contact with his paediatrician, his Portage worker, his 1:1, went through the EHCP process etc.

He is a happy little boy and we adore him - but I can tell their behaviour is upsetting him as he’s become more clingy and getting more upset.

We have secretly been to view a house today. We currently live in a small 2 bed with extortionate rent and council tax just because it’s a posh area (her area).

We love the house we viewed, it’s a bigger 3 bed with a bigger garden and in our price range, it’s 10 minutes from his school, and 25 minutes from my parents.

I am stuck on what to do. We desperately want to move but I don’t know if I can handle the backlash or what she will do or threaten if we do move. I just feel lost and want to get out of this situation.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 10/10/2023 20:30

Move.

I would send a single message -

'We no longer wish to maintain contact with you, please do not attempt to contact us'.

Only because if you move without a single word, chances are one or both will crate drama and come up with some crazy stories, report you missing etc etc.

By sending a single message making it clear that your ceasing of contact is fully intentional, that reduces their chances of causing drama (they may contact police, police track you down, you say 'well heres the text we sent three weeks ago, cutting off contact... so we're not missing, we just can't stand the controlling fuckers'. - police leave you alone.

They can't get custody of your child just like that, they'd have to jump through some pretty significant hoops even if there were reason to remove your child from your care, which there is not. They have no automatic rights to access, as grandparents.

2jacqi · 10/10/2023 20:35

move house! do not tell them where you are moving to! if you can go NC all the better! They are not going to improve!

Superfrog3 · 10/10/2023 20:35

Your parents sound like nightmares and non of my children's grandparents see them weekly. Some relationships work that way and that's amazing and some don't and that's OK too. Her demands seen unrealistic and her threats are empty - you need to sit down maybe with your partner and think very realistically about what will happen if you move away, I'm going to guess custody would be laughed out of court. If she becomes aggressive or violent especially around your child I would hold a boundary let her know your not going to tolerate that and leave if you can/ block number for an or so ect and if continues contact the police.

Her advice after you had your baby was awful! And the way she has treated you is not acceptable. I hope you find peace and are able to treat yourself better than she has. Post natal depression is unfortunately very common. You have seeked help, your amazing for that ! I wish you and your little family all the happiness 🩶

TheCatterall · 10/10/2023 20:47

Move. Don’t tell them. They sound appalling. Would you accept that behaviour from a parent meant to live you. From a life li g best friend. I hope not.

@housemoveproblems massive squishes.

pleasee please distance yourselves. Long term they will not be a healthy influence on your child and continue to destabilise his environment directly or through the effect they have on you and you partner.

FictionalCharacter · 10/10/2023 20:54

WiddlinDiddlin · 10/10/2023 20:30

Move.

I would send a single message -

'We no longer wish to maintain contact with you, please do not attempt to contact us'.

Only because if you move without a single word, chances are one or both will crate drama and come up with some crazy stories, report you missing etc etc.

By sending a single message making it clear that your ceasing of contact is fully intentional, that reduces their chances of causing drama (they may contact police, police track you down, you say 'well heres the text we sent three weeks ago, cutting off contact... so we're not missing, we just can't stand the controlling fuckers'. - police leave you alone.

They can't get custody of your child just like that, they'd have to jump through some pretty significant hoops even if there were reason to remove your child from your care, which there is not. They have no automatic rights to access, as grandparents.

This is very good advice. You tell them what you’re going to do and keep copies of the message. Police, SS etc will back off when you tell them the backstory.

Daffidale · 10/10/2023 20:56

Move. As far away as you possibly can from these awful toxic people. Go lo/no contact.

I’m so sorry OP that this is how your parents are. Hold on to the better mum you are and better life you will give you little boy.

googledidnthelp · 10/10/2023 21:00

Move and don't tell them where.

Persipan · 10/10/2023 21:02

I can't think why you would want anything to do with such horrible people. There is no need at all to take their opinions and wishes into account when they've done nothing to earn that, and everything to shut it down. Move, and be joyful in your new home.

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/10/2023 21:07

Well, all the face-screaming seems a bit off. Why would you even listen to people who regularly scream at you? In the face? I'd scream in their faces right back "we're moving away because we can't do with the face screaming any more".

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/10/2023 21:07

LongLiveGoblingKing · 10/10/2023 18:56

In your position I would move, not tell them the address, and change your phone number.

This, to be quite honest

StellaElevator · 10/10/2023 21:12

• move
• cut contact from your toxic parents
• continue therapy to address why despite their behaviour you feel guilty about steps 1 & 2
• live peacefully with your partner & son

Seawaver · 10/10/2023 21:13

Move - and the further away the better. Don’t tell them your new address, or even tell them you’re moving at all. Go LC - these people are vile and abusive and are not parents worth having, and now you say your DS is possibly being affected by them. Run.

Depending on the type of business you have can they find you during working hours ie if it’s a public-facing business or is it online? You need to think if they can track you down via your business and what action you will take if they appear.

Pottomous2 · 10/10/2023 21:15

She would never get custody of your son, it’s a total lie.
move.

Seagrassbasket · 10/10/2023 21:16

Move. And go back to your therapist and tell them all about this!!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/10/2023 21:19

Ever fancied living the other side of the country?

Now's a great time to do it - just don't tell them, block them on everything and get on with life away from their malign influence.

rantinglunatic · 10/10/2023 21:25

Jesus don't ever ever talk to your mother again. She is seriously abusive. Move as far away from her and your father as you can. There is absolutely now way she will get custody of your child.

AnnaMagnani · 10/10/2023 21:31

The only thing wrong with your move is that it's 25 minutes away from your parents, not the other side of the world.

Move far far away and don't tell them.

carly2803 · 10/10/2023 21:32

If my mother threatened custody over my son - i would be No contact!!

why on earth do you want to be in contact with them!? move, change your numbers and either go very low contact or none!

bombastix · 10/10/2023 21:33

Move. And do not tell these insufferable bullies where you live for a good while

Jamjaris · 10/10/2023 21:34

Your parents are abusive, toxic and they use emotional guilt to get you to do exactly as they want and when that fails they scream abuses and threaten you. They don’t care about you or your son’s needs and don’t give a fig about your mental health or happiness.
You, your partner and son need to break free from their hold over you all and move away. You don’t owe them anything and you need to unshackle yourself from their mind games, power struggle and threats and you’re the only one with the key to do so. Love is not manipulation, mind games and ripping peoples self esteem down.

Pallisers · 10/10/2023 21:35

I don't think you are moving far enough away tbh. Move, cut contact. they won't get custody of your son. Think how nice it will be not to have to listen to all that screaming drama all the time.

easilydistracted1 · 10/10/2023 21:38

I think your only mistake in what your planning is not moving at least 2-3 hours away. You sound like a lovely motivated and caring Mum. I'm not sure what hold your Mum has on you to keep you close but she sounds nasty and abusive. Exposing your son to this is the only big issue so far

Humbugg · 10/10/2023 21:40

You definitely need to move house and go low contact. Don’t tell them until after it’s all been signed

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/10/2023 21:41

She can't take you to court for time with your son when she's not an established care giver (is my understanding anyway).

You don't exist to serve her needs. You're doing the right thing to get away. Do what works for you and don't apologize. You might want to get some counseling or therapy around setting boundaries and sticking to them. No wonder you are struggling with your mental health when this lady brought you up x

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/10/2023 21:42

For your own MH you need to move. Don't know why your Mother is doing this but it seems very controlling, gaslighting and abusive. Get yourself and your son somewhere you can build a new support network and get the advice and help for him you need. Is it possible your Mum has undiagnosed ND? That wouldn't make her abusive obv but maybe an insight into why she finds relationships so confusing. However you need to get away, it's toxic and threats are totally unacceptable. I'd consider very low if not no contact.